Why A Man Needs A Family

After a man’s faith, his family is the next most important thing in his life.  They are who he loves, why he does what he does, and will give him more happiness than anything else he can possibly do in his life.

A man needs a family.  True masculinity requires a family.  All of the qualities that make up a strong, masculine man, are qualities that are inherent in being a husband, a father, and a leader.  

There are three qualities which are often said to define a good man: Provider, Protector, and Pastor.  Family allows a man to live out these qualities.  

Let’s break down the three things that a family gives a man

1. Someone to provide for (Provider)

Deep in every man’s heart is a desire to provide. This goes all the way back to the hunter/gatherer societies of old.  It is a man’s responsibility to provide for his family.  

He must provide for them financially.  He must provide them a home.  He must provide them with sustenance.  Now, I’m not saying that a woman shouldn’t work and help with things, but at the end of the day, it’s the man’s responsibility to care and provide for his family.  

1 Timothy 5:8

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” 

It is our duty as men to provide for our family’s needs.  But men need to provide for more than financial and physical needs.  We must provide love.  We must provide instruction.  We must provide our families, especially our children, with the tools to grow and prosper.

We must also provide discipline.  It’s the man’s job to set the standard and the values of the household.  It’s his job to provide correction if those standards are not upheld.

Family gives a man the opportunity to be the provider he needs and should be.  It gives him someone to provide for; a flock to nurture and grow. Family gives a man purpose for all the work that he does.  He works diligently. He strives in his vocation, not for his own satisfaction, but because he has people who depend on him.  

2. Someone to fight for (Protector)

In his excellent book on Christian masculinity, Wild At Heart, John Eldredge writes:

“In the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, and adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”

He writes that men need to fight battles.  It’s how men are wired.  They need an adventure to go on, and they need someone to do it all for.

He continues:

          “It’s not just that a man needs a battle to fight, he needs someone to fight for.”

Fighting a battle isn’t enough, men need someone back home that they’re fighting for.  Men have a yearning to be the hero.  To have a “beauty to rescue”.

Men need to be strong to protect their families.  We need to be physically strong.  We need to make sure we are taking care of our bodies so that we can protect our families if the need would arise.

We also need to be mentally and emotionally strong.  We not only need to physically protect our families; we need to protect our families on an emotional level as well.  It’s our responsibility to make sure what our children are consuming is what we want them to be consuming.  We need to protect them from the evil of this world.  We should be the filter through which everything they see, read, or watch is passed through.  

3. Someone to lead (Pastor)

Men are born leaders.  Not all men are leaders of the Churchill or Washington variety, but all men have leadership qualities.  Men are to be the head of their households.  

Ephesians 5:23 

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.”

Every man should be the Pastor of his family.  He should be the leader.  The word Pastor is literally translated from “shepherd”.  We are to lead our “flocks”, our families, as a shepherd leads his flock. 

Your family will follow your lead and your example.  It’s up to you to pastor and lead your family.  It’s not your wife’s job, it’s yours.  Set the example and set the bar for your family.

Do you pray with and for your wife? Do your kids see you praying and studying your Bible? Do you have family devotional time?

Want your kids to follow God when they go out on their own? SHOW them how to be a man of God. Show your sons how to be Godly men. Show your daughters what to look for in a Godly husband.

It’s our job as men to be the leaders, to be in control and to have a plan. We are the kings of the castle, and our families look to us for leadership.

Outside of our faith, family is the most important institution in our lives.  It’s more important that career, or school, or hobbies, or our passions.  At the end of your life, you won’t look back and wish you spent more hours at work or more time at the golf course.  You’ll wish you spent more time with the people that mean the most to you.  You won’t surround yourself at your deathbed with trophies and memorabilia.  You’ll surround yourself with the people you provided for.  With the people you love.  

Your family is not only important in your life, it’s important after your life.  Your family is your legacy.   They are the living embodiment of you long after you’re gone.   They will carry on your name and the values you instilled in them for future generations.  Make sure it’s a legacy worth passing on.  

Family is a foundation of masculinity.  It gives us someone to provide for, protect, and pastor.  It gives us the opportunity to live out our masculinity.  

If we are to truly live our lives as the masculine men we are called to be, we need family.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

The Night It Almost Came Crashing Down

I’m going to share some brutal honesty and openness here.

A few nights ago, everything almost came crashing down.

I got a text from a girl I used to hook up with.   I had long ago deleted numbers from my phone, but I knew who it was.  It wasn’t even anything suggestive.  It was a simple, “Hey, what’s up?”

But if you’ve ever been in the hookup scene, you know what a text at midnight saying, “Hey, what’s up?” means.

That quickly, my mind went right back into my addiction.  A million thoughts went through my mind in a matter of a few seconds.  I started trying to rationalize it in my mind.  “Yeah, I’ve been good, what’s one little slip up?” “After all these years, you still got it.  Girls still want you.”  The thoughts raced as to how I could get out of the house, what I could do, where I could go.  My minds eye went back into the bank and brought up all the thoughts and images of times when I had done this before and how fun and exciting it was.  I loved the risk, the adventure, the ego trip. 

I deleted the text and blocked the number within three seconds.

But that fast… in the blink of an eye… I was right back there.

I almost gave it all up. All of my hard work, my determination, my sweat and tears, years of rebuilding trust, thousands in counseling, my credibility, my reputation, my testimony, my marriage, it was almost all gone in a flash.

I could have thrown everything away for just a few minutes of selfish pleasure.

Praise God I had the strength to fight off the temptation and the attack that the enemy threw at me.  Not all that long ago, I wouldn’t have had the strength to resist.  I would have given in. 

It’s amazing how quickly the enemy can destroy us; how quickly all of our hard work can be for nothing.

On the road to recovery and redemption, the enemy will put a target on your back.  He will be creative with ways to try to destroy you. 

1 Peter 5:8

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.”

He wants to bring you down.  He wants you controlled by addiction.  He wants you weak and susceptible. 

When he tempted Jesus in the wilderness in Luke 4, how did Jesus respond?

With Scripture.

We are to do the same:

James 4:7-8

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you.”

When you are tempted, when the devil tries to bring you down, fight back with scripture. Put your mind and your thoughts immediately into the Word.  Come close to God, and God will come close to you. 

God came close to me and gave me the strength to resist the devil. 

He’ll be back…

But I’ll be ready. 


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Is Porn Cheating?

I recently posted a poll on social media asking a question that often comes up when discussing pornography addiction:

Is porn cheating?

Here are the results from Twitter:

The results from Facebook were 68% YES and 32% NO.  Facebook is mostly people I know personally, so I’m not surprised the numbers are skewed one way.

It’s a complicated question.  It involves a lot of emotions and different perspectives.  

So, let’s dive into the arguments for each answer.

First, porn IS cheating.

The argument is that you are looking with sexual lust at another person who is not your spouse.  By engaging in pornography, and probably masturbation, you are fantasizing that you yourself are having sex with that person in the video.  So of course, it’s cheating!

Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “Anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart

The vast majority of the time, porn is consumed in secret, without your spouse knowing about it.  And when they do find out about it, there is hurt, feelings of betrayal, and can lead to many problems in a marriage.  Porn without a doubt is a betrayal of the trust and intimacy of a marriage.

Second, porn IS NOT cheating. 

The argument here is that you are not engaging in an actual physical relationship with another person outside of your marriage.   Porn addiction is a betrayal of trust and certainly not healthy in any way, but does it classify as actual adultery?

Going back to the same passage in Matthew, we notice that Jesus says, “has already committed adultery with her in his heart”.  Emphasis on “in his heart”.   Not actually committing adultery.  The heart is what is being considered here.  Jesus is saying that the man’s heart has already gotten to that point of sin where he is capable of committing adultery, but yet, he hasn’t actually committed adultery.  

A few verses later in Matthew 5, Jesus talks about divorce:

But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery.

Now, the sexes are flipped here, but the point remains the same.  “Unless she has been unfaithful.” He’s referring to the actual act of adultery, not to the sin of lust, as being grounds for divorce.

If lust itself were grounds for divorce, we’d all be divorced.

We’ve all committed lust.  Does that mean we’ve all committed adultery?  Certainly not.  

Third, it depends:

Whether porn is cheating or not can depend on the circumstances.  A man who watches porn regularly and neglects any sort of sexual relationship with his wife may be considered to be cheating. Men for whom porn consumes their life often spend hours and hours a day looking at porn and masturbating. There are men who are unable to have an erection without looking at porn.  They need to first look at porn before having sex with their spouse. Men can also look to porn to live out sexual fantasies that their wife would never engage in. They then have to seek out more intense and “kinkier” fantasies in order to satisfy themselves.  

But there are also many men who have a porn addiction and still have an active and healthy sexual relationship with their spouse.  I was one of these men. My addiction had nothing to do with my spouse. It wasn’t that we were lacking in sex or I was getting something from porn that I wasn’t from her.  It certainly had nothing to do with how attractive she is.  

Many addictions to pornography are not rooted in sex.  It is not the sex that men are seeking through porn. It’s the dopamine dump of an orgasm that they seek.  They become addicted to the dopamine release, not the porn itself. The porn, and in turn the dopamine rush, become the coping mechanism for a much deeper emotional wound.  In this case, porn is just the drug of choice. It could manifest as an alcohol addiction, or a drug addiction, or a gambling addiction. The difference is that porn addiction can be kept secret, even for years.  Major alcoholics or drug addicts can’t hide their addictions. Porn addicts can.  

Conclusion:

The topic of porn addiction is a divisive and controversial issue.  There are many emotions involving both the person using porn and their spouse. 

The one thing I believe everyone can agree on is that pornography is sin.  It is an act of lust towards someone to whom we are not married, and that is sin.  Porn is sin. It is hurtful. It betrays trust in a marriage. It causes major emotional damage that can take years to resolve.  It is often done in secret and creates lies upon lies. It is a gateway drug that leads to many other sinful sexual behaviors including adultery, homosexual behavior, and other debaucherous sexual desires.  

But does it constitute cheating?

If you define cheating as a betrayal of the trust and intimacy of marriage, yes, it is cheating.

However, if you define cheating as the act of adultery, I do not believe that it is cheating.

The next question becomes is pornography addiction grounds for divorce?

By my Biblical studies and my own personal beliefs and experience, I do not believe that pornography addiction meets the Biblical qualifications for divorce. Pornography is lust, yes, but not adultery.   Lust itself, while sin, is not grounds for divorce. 

If pornography were grounds for divorce, where would the line be drawn?  Do fantasy romance novels count? What about masturbation without the use of pornography?  The lines become even murkier.

Marriages marred by pornography addiction can survive.  In fact, they can be repaired and even flourish. My wife and I are a perfect example of this.  I committed unspeakable sins far beyond pornography, yet by the grace of God, a forgiving heart, and the determination to never give up, we made it through.  In fact, on our tenth wedding anniversary, we renewed our wedding vows, re-establishing our commitment and love for each other.

Porn is sin.  And like any other sin, we are forgiven by the shedding of Jesus’ blood on the cross.  He has erased the stain and made us white as snow.  

Jesus told the woman caught in adultery in John chapter 8:

Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Let us flee from the sexual immorality of pornography, repent of our sins, and “go and sin no more”.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Faith Comes First

A man without faith is a man without purpose, without hope, and without peace.  

We are all searching for God.  Many of us just don’t realize it.  

“The man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God.” – Michael John Cusick, Surfing For God.

We may seek God in pornography or in sex addiction as I did.   Some search in alcohol or drugs. Others in their careers.

We’re all searching for the peace, hope, and purpose that only faith can provide.  We’re just looking in all the wrong places.

Most addictions are self-medication for an underlying wound.  They are how we treat our deep down pain. But in reality, we’re searching for something deeper.  All the sex, porn and beer in the world won’t ever satisfy this thirst.

Trust me, I tried.

That satisfaction, that peace, can only be found through faith.  When I recommitted my life to God, everything became clearer.

I needed faith.  Renewing my faith is what led to all the other changes I made in my life.  If it wasn’t for my faith, I never would’ve stopped looking at porn everyday or cheating on my wife.  I never would’ve stopped eating and drinking like a slob. I never would have found the purpose and fulfillment that I was so desperately seeking.

Men need faith.  In order to thrive as men, we need to believe in something bigger than ourselves.  We need to believe that there’s a bigger purpose to our lives than getting up, going to work, coming home and going to bed.  Rinse and repeat. Believing in something bigger than yourself requires a trust, a conviction that that “something” is real without any physical evidence of it.  Finding your purpose requires faith.

Hebrews 11, the so called “Hall of Fame of Faith” begins with these words:

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.“

Faith is assurance about what we cannot see.  It’s a conviction that even though we may not physically see or touch something, we can believe in it. We may not see God’s purpose for our lives.  We may not like the road He’s taking us down. But we must have faith in His plan. We must put our blind trust in Him.  

Faith is confidence in what we hope for.  It’s a firm belief that what we hope for is real.  

What does Faith provide a man?

  1. Hope

Faith gives us hope.  It gives us hope that there’s a better life.  It gives us hope that we can break free from the bonds that enslave us.  We need hope in our lives. Without it, what’s the point of soldiering on?

There’s an acronym for hope that says, Hold On, Pain Ends.  Hope provides that light at the end of the tunnel. It provides that assurance that if we can just hold on, if we have faith, it will get better.

We receive this hope when we put our faith in Jesus Christ.  In Him we know there’s a future. Revelation tells us there will come a day where there will be no more death or mourning, or crying, or pain.  Having faith provides us that hope.  

  1. Purpose

Faith gives us a purpose in life.  If you trust in God, He will lead you down paths that honor and glorify Him.  Having faith will mean that you no longer live for yourself but for Him. When you realize that this life is not about yourself, you can truly begin living a life with purpose.  This life isn’t the life worth living for. It’s the promise of an eternal life that we live for. We can search all our earthly lives for purpose, for fulfillment, for the “meaning of life”.  We’ll never find it.

King Solomon had every luxury in life.  He had everything any man could ever ask for.   Yet, in Ecclesiastes, he still described it all as “Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.”

We will never find purpose on our own.  Only through faith can we find the true meaning of life.

One of the best devotional books ever written is The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  I strongly recommend it to help find your purpose through faith in Christ.

  1. Peace 

Lastly, faith provides us with peace.  

At the end of the day, all we want is peace in our hearts.  In this world, that’s impossible. If we look for peace in our daily lives, we’ll be looking for a long time.  The world around us is in constant turmoil. And even in our personal lives there’s always something going on. We go from one crisis to another.  

The only way we can find the “peace that passes all understanding” that Paul describes in Phillipians 4 is by a strong relationship with God. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Though the world around us is uncertain, we can have assurance through faith in God.  Because we have that faith, we know that nothing on this earth can hurt us. Nothing can destroy us.  

If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

Faith gives us the peace that God is in control.  Faith gives us the peace that we are forgiven no matter how many awful sins we have committed.  And faith gives us the peace that we so desperately seek through worldly means.

My faith is the foundation of my life.  Without it, nothing else matters. I could have beaten my porn and sex addiction, I could have lost all the weight I did, I could have improved many areas of my life, all of it would have been meaningless without faith.

My faith gives me the hope, the purpose, and the peace that I was searching for for so long. 

If we are to be the men God has called us to be, if we are to be the providers, protectors, and pastors our family needs us to be, if we are to fight back against the world’s distorted view of masculinity, we must have faith.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

When Tragedy Strikes

Nothing in this life is guaranteed. Not even tomorrow is guaranteed to us. Not one of us will get through life without facing some sort of tragedy or hardship. So what are we to do when tragedy strikes?

Recently, there have been tragedies that have affected my church family.  While not directly affecting me, the shock and grief have run through our church and have affected people I deeply care for.  So it got me to thinking about what our response should be when we face trials such as this.  What do we do when we feel like our world is crumbling down around us and nothing makes sense?  What do we say? How do we find hope? How do we hold on to faith when it seems like God is so distant?

This post is a departure from my normal discussions on improving our lives as men, but I feel like I need to put my thoughts to paper. As men we do face these dark days and we need to be prepared for when they come.

My career and one of the passions of my life is funeral directing.  I am a licensed funeral director and embalmer. I deal with death on a daily basis.  I’ve seen death come after a long sickness and at the end of a Godly life, as it did for one of our church members recently.  And I’ve seen death strike in the blink of an eye without warning as it did for another brother in the faith this week. Doing this as a career really makes one take a step back and examine your own life.  Am I ready if my time comes unexpectedly? What if someone I love is taken from me? What will I do when tragedy strikes?

There’s a story of man in the 1800’s who was a successful businessman in Chicago.  When the Great Chicago Fire destroyed the city, he lost everything. He lost his law practice and business.  He had also invested heavily in real estate and all of it was destroyed. A young son died not long thereafter as well.

After a tumultuous couple of years, he decided to take his family on a trip to Europe for some rest and also to help his friend Dwight L. Moody on one of his campaigns in Great Britain.  In November of 1873, he sent his wife and four daughters on ahead as he had some business matters to attend to and would join them shortly. On November 22nd, the ship on which his family was traveling was struck by an English vessel and sank in less than twelve minutes.  His wife was rescued floating on a piece of debris. All four daughters, however, were lost to the waves. When she reached England, she telegraphed back home to her husband, “Saved, alone.”

The man booked passage on the next available ship heading to England.  About four days out the ship’s Captain called him to his cabin and explained to him they were over the place where the accident had occurred and his children were lost.   Looking out over the vast ocean, pondering the loss of his children, Horatio G. Spafford was inspired to write these words:

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.”

The words to that great hymn comfort us still, even after almost 150 years.  It is well with my soul. When life is peaceful and happy, or when life throws trials at us like a wave rolling up and down, whatever we may face, as long as it is well with our souls, we’ll be ok.  

It’s our souls that matter.  Not this earthly body. This mortal life isn’t the life worth living for.  It’s the eternal life of our soul that we live for. We endure sorrow and tragedy in this life, in the hope of a life without it.  Revelation 21 tells that one day, “God will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.”  The promise of that everlasting life is what gets us through the tragedies in this temporary life.

Once we realize that this world is not our home, the tragedies we face, while painful to be sure, don’t defeat us.  While the enemy can take our bodies, he cannot take our souls. Therefore, we put our faith and trust in our great God.  He is the mighty fortress. He is our refuge and strength. When we are attacked, we turn to him for salvation. “The Lord is my light and my salvation” the Psalmist wrote, “Whom shall I fear?”  

We fear nothing.  Not even death. Because we know that one day…

“My faith shall be sight.

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.”

So when tragedies strike us, we don’t lose faith, because we know that God is in control.  When we face loss in this life, we don’t lose hope because we have the promise of eternal life with our Lord.  And when it seems like nothing makes sense and our world is crumbling around us, we do not fear, because He is with us, He protects us, and He is preparing a place for us. 

Because He died for our sins, because He is our refuge and strength, because in Him we find everlasting hope, we can confidently say, “It is well with my soul.”


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

PORN FREE Resource List

Since starting this blog, I have had many people message me looking for resources to help battling porn and sex addiction.  So I thought I would list out a few resources and books that I’ve found helpful.

I am also a resource.  I’m a man who’s been through the battle, is still in the battle, and by the Amazing Grace of God I’ve found healing and control.  I am always willing to support, pray, and help brothers be accountable. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me for help.

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I offer one-on-one coaching.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Also, talk to your local pastors.   They usually have resources available and know of local groups and organizations that help men in the battle.

Stay strong brothers.  

ONLINE RESOURCES:

Conquer Series   www.conquerseries.com 

Pure Desire https://puredesire.org

Every Man’s Battle https://newlife.com/emb/

Fight The New Drug https://fightthenewdrug.com

The Porn Effect  http://theporneffect.com

Sexaholics Anonymous https://www.sa.org

Convenant Eyes https://www.covenanteyes.com

XXX Church https://www.xxxchurch.com

Integrity Restored https://integrityrestroed.com

BOOKS:

Surfing For God – Michael John Cusick

Wired For Intimacy – William M. Struthers

Every Man’s Battle – Stephen Arterburn

Clean – Douglas Weiss

Your Brain On Porn – Gary Wilson

Healing The Wounds of Sexual Addiction – Dr. Mark R. Laaser

Worthy of Her Trust – Jason Martinkus

Going Geeper – Eddie Capparucci

There are hundreds of resources beyond what I’ve listed here.  If you’re looking for something specific, let me know.  


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Become a Bookworm

“I cannot live without books” – Thomas Jefferson

I believe the most underrated and under-appreciated way to improve your life is through books.  I have been an avid reader my entire life. Both of my parents were readers and instilled that value in me.

However, far too many men do not read at all.  They say they don’t have time, or they don’t have the attention span, or books are too expensive.   Yet they binge watch Netflix, stayed glued to a sports game for three hours, and spend tons of money on cable or streaming services.   They choose the instant gratification of digital media over the time tested method of learning from books.  

Besides, how many times have you heard someone say, “The book was better” when they adapt a book into a film?   You know why that is? Because a book is so much more personal. You form the characters in your mind’s eye and infuse the story with your own imagination.  

The best way to learn is through books.  If you’re looking for 2020 to be “your year”,  start reading books.  

In 2019, I read or listened to 43 books. Many were historical. (I’m a huge history buff).  Some were self help or financial. Others were religious. Some were rereads and some were just for fun. A few were classics, others are brand new.  One was over 800 pages. Another was only 80. The books I read on men’s issues and pornography were essential to helping me stay pure in my fight with sexual addiction. I also listened to the entire Old Testament on the Bible app during my commute to and from work.

I know my life is better in 2020 because I applied what I learned in the books I read in 2019.  

My brothers, I challenge you to read more books in 2020.  You don’t need to read as many I do. I know I read A LOT, but take the time to maybe just read one book a month. I enjoy using audible as well and listen on my drive to work or while at the gym. The best time I’ve found to read is right before bed.  Instead of scrolling through your phone and consuming all that blue light that will wreck your sleep, read a chapter in a book.  You’ll relax, your mind will be clearer, and you’ll sleep better.  

So here is my list in order that I read them.  If you’d like any recommendations for books on a specific topic, drop me a line.  

1. Lost Moon – Jim Lovell

2. Deep Survival – Laurence Gonzales

3. First Man – James R. Hanson

4. The Case for Christ – Lee Stroebel

5. Furnishing Eternity – David Giffels

6. Man on the Moon – Andrew Chaikin

7. The Pastor’s Kid – Barnabas Piper

8. Failure Is Not An Option – Gene Krantz

9. Can’t Hurt Me – David Goggins

10. Catch Me If You Can – Frank Abagnale

11. No Easy Day – Matt Bissonette

12. Rich Dad Poor Dad – Robert Kiyosaki

13. Talking With Catholics About The Gospel – Chris Castaldo

14. Walk in the woods – Bill Bryson

16. Total Money Makeover – Dave Ramsey

18. Pandora’s Box – Jörn Leonhard

19. History of France – John Julius Norwich

20. The Preacher and the Presidents – Michael Duffy 

21. Indestructible – John R. Bruning

22. A World Undone – G.J. Meyer

23. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen R. Covey

24. Sons of Freedom – Geoffrey Waro 

25. Destiny of the Republic – Candice Millard

26. Surfing For God – Michael John Cusick

27. 31 Days to Masculinity – Hunter Drew

28. I Will Teach You To Be Rich – Rahit Sethi

30. Crucial Conversations – Joseph Grenny

31. Wild At Heart – John Eldridge

32. Disciplines of a Godly Man – R. Kent Hughes

33. King David – Jonathan Kirsch

34. The Abolition of Man – C.S. Lewis

35. Reclaim Your Manhood – Ryan Felman

36. Devil in the White City – Erik Larson

37. Iron John – Robert Bly

38. Pilgrim’s Progress – John Bunyan

39. At Home – Bill Bryson

40. Walden – Henry David Thoreau

41. A Purpose Driven Life – Rick Warren

42. 1984 – George Orwell

43. Lincoln’s Last Trial – Dan Abrams

44. Draw Away The Drizzle – Ashley Reigle (shameless plug for my wife’s children’s book)


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Screenless Sundays

Taking on the “Into The Wilderness” challenge is going to push you outside of the way the rest of the world operates.  I often reference Romans 12 when it says, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”  We are to think, to act, and to live differently than the world does.

What’s a way that men can live differently from the world?

Institute “Screenless Sundays”.

We all spend WAY too much time on our phones, on computers, and in front of the T.V.  We think we have to always be “connected” or we’ll miss out on something; the dreaded FOMO (fear of missing out).  We can’t go more than an hour without mindlessly scrolling through social media or checking for likes. If you have an iPhone, go to Settings-Screen Time and take a gander and how much time you’re spending daily on your phone.  The results will shock you. It’s not just phones either. Many of us spend eight hours a day staring at a computer screen at work. Then we come home and scroll through our phones while the 55 inch flat screen on the wall is blasting at us in 1080p.  We KNOW we should put our phones down and turn off the screens more often and experience life around us, but we are addicted to them.  

I’m calling on men to take a weekly day off from screens.  Put down the phone for an entire day. It’ll be much harder than you think.  If you must have it on for work or other necessities, keep the ringer on and set it down someplace that you can hear it but won’t be constantly looking at it.  I have “on-call” hours at work myself and can’t completely turn my phone off. I often use the “Do Not Disturb” feature. You can silence all notifications except for calls and texts from certain people you choose.   But if you’re able to, it’s best to just turn the damn thing off. Take the day off from the computer too. Emails can wait. Same with the T.V. Turn it off and read a book. Play a game with your kids. Go for a walk.   If you’re taking the PornFree2020 challenge, it’s an added bonus of a full day away from any temptation to look at porn.

I began taking a Screenless Sunday a few months ago and it’s been amazing.  I look forward to it every week. I have created great experiences with my family by being focused only on them, not on my phone.  It also allows for some much needed peace and quiet. I take time to read my Bible or a good book.  

Why Sundays you may ask?  Because Sundays are a special day that were are already commanded to set aside as different from the other days of the week.  It is a day that has been set aside as special from the beginning of time, literally. On the seventh day, “God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation.”  Taking a day of rest was even spelled out in the Ten Commandments given to Moses.  

The world has increasingly diminished the importance of a Sabbath; a day of rest.  Sundays are no longer held sacred. Sure, we might go to church, but that’s about it.  How many other things do we cram into our weekends when we should be spending time with God and with family?  Many kids sporting events are now held on Sundays. People spend their Sundays almost like a second Saturday doing chores, running errands, and going to all kinds of different events. Or we spend all Sunday “relaxing” watching football and pounding back beers.  

I’m calling on men to fight against the behavior and customs of the world and spend the Sabbath as God intended it to be: a time of rest, refreshment, studying His Word, and spending time with those we love with the screens turned off.

“bUt i’lL MiSs tHe gAmE BrO!”

Grow up.  Deal with it.  Football isn’t God.  Sure, you might not be able to chat with the boys around the watercooler on Monday.  Who cares? You’re improving yourself as a man. You’re doing what a man is supposed to do and taking control of his life and his family.  I’ll be doing a post on what I call the “Goddess of Sports” at another time.

Men, establish Screenless Sundays in your life.  I promise your life will improve because of it. You’ll grow closer to God by honoring His Sabbath and spending more time in His Word, you’ll create awesome experiences with your family by giving them 100% of your attention, and you’ll find your mind less cluttered with the worries of this world.  You’ll be, “transformed into a new person by changing the way you think.

Start this Sunday, you won’t regret it.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

The Silent Cancer

There is something silently running rampant through today’s society.  It is ruining marriages, destroying families, and weakening men. And not enough people are even talking about it let alone fighting against it.   This secret cancer of which I speak is porn.  

Pornography use in the world today is an epidemic.   Gone are the days where guys had to sneak into an adult theater or go behind the curtain at the video rental store.  You don’t have to steal your dad’s Playboy magazine anymore to get a glimpse. Hardcore pornography is accessible instantly, for free, from any device with an internet connection.  

A recent study showed that 68% of Christian men regularly view porn, including 50% of pastors.  The largest age group by consumption are minor males aged 11-17.  This is an epidemic destroying the fabric of American men. And we must fight back.  

I have battled with pornography addiction for almost my entire teenage and adult life.  And it didn’t stop there, it spiraled into a full on sex addiction and led to many sins that I am so ashamed to admit I hate even think about it.   I had tried for years to stop, to gain control, to turn my life around. I sought counseling. I prayed harder. I tried harder. Nothing worked. I couldn’t overcome it.  I was stuck in an endless cycle of addiction.  

Millions of men are fighting the same battle and they are losing.  Porn use is now just seen a “normal” thing that guys do. In fact, some “experts” are even saying it’s HEALTHY for men!  

Brothers, we cannot continue to sit silent while this cancer silently wreaks havoc on men.  I have seen what damage porn can do. It nearly destroyed my marriage. It almost broke up my family.  It leads to emotional, and psychological problems that the medical community is only beginning to understand.  It’s causing erectile dysfunction in teenagers! It’s affect on the brain is similar to that of hardcore drug users and has been shown to be equally as addictive. It is not “harmless”. 

It’s all based on a lie!  The lie is that porn is saying that YOU are having sex with that hot model.  Porn won’t reject you. Porn doesn’t care if you’ve put on a few pounds or are so socially awkward that you can’t even talk to a real woman.  It drives your further into isolation and further from reality. In many men, porn addiction, or any addiction, is covering up a wound that we just can’t deal with. 

The truth is that porn is sin.  It corrupts your mind, literally.   It is a gateway drug to other sinful behavior.  It is pure lust. The Bible tells us to FLEE from sexual immorality.  Not just turn it off. Not just turn a blind eye, but flee from it.  Run away.

Men around the world have found out the hard way that porn is a cancer and destroying their lives. They aren’t all from religious circles either. Movements like NoFap are gaining traction as well and ideas like semen retention.  

It’s time we fight back.  Through shame and guilt, this silent cancer has silently reaped wreckage upon men’s lives.  

Therefore, I’m asking men to join me in a challenge.  Live Porn Free. It won’t be easy. There’s a strong chance of falling short. But when men band together as brothers, when they seek God’s strength and forgiveness, anything is possible.   

I challenge YOU to join me in fighting back against the cancer of porn.  

PORN FREE 2020.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

My Story

The time must come in every man’s life where he looks himself in the mirror and decides to take charge.  For men in generations past, there was always a definitive moment for that to happen. They would go off to war, they would have to take on the responsibility of providing for their family at a young age or they would go through an initiation ritual to signify their passage from boyhood to manhood.  But today, many men are lost. Many of us have never had the need to face ourselves and man up. We can skate on by being weak and without purpose. We don’t have to go to war if we don’t want to. We can stay living at home with mom and dad as long as we want. And we no longer have the fraternal brotherhood of fellow men to push us toward what we’re capable of.  This has left us with many men who are still little boys well into adulthood.

But at some point, every man will have to shed the mask and face themselves.   My prayer is that moment has come for you. There’s a reason you’ve come to this page.  There’s a reason you’ve gotten to the point in your life that you’re willing to take action.  Maybe you feel like you’ve drifted away from God and you need to rededicate your life to him. Maybe you’ve let yourself get out of shape and you feel like you could lose a few pounds and gain some strength while you’re at it.  Maybe you feel like half your life is over and you’ve accomplished nothing. Maybe you’re not the husband you should be and are jerking off to porn instead of being a devoted lover to your wife. Maybe you’d rather throw back beers and watch football than spend time reading a book to your kids.  

I say all of this, because that was me.  My life in a nutshell was a phony Christian, cheating husband, absent father, fat and lazy lame excuse for a man.  

This is my story.

I grew up, almost literally, in the church.  My father was a pastor and I grew up under the spotlight of being a preacher’s kid.  I never had a relationship with Christ for myself. I was only a Christian (If I was even truly saved) because it was how I was raised.   I searched for meaning and purpose in life everywhere but through God. I sought fulfillment in music, sex, drugs, booze, and money. You name it, I tried it.  

I got married and had children, but I was still a rebellious teenager even into my 30’s.  .  I have battled pornography addiction almost my entire teenage and adult life.  And it didn’t stop there, it spiraled into a full-on sex addiction and led to many sins that I am so ashamed to admit I hate even thinking about it.   I disregarded time with my children to pursue my own selfish desires.  I had a secret life. I’d been caught a bunch of times, but it didn’t matter. I just got better at lying and better at not getting caught.

Even when I was home and present, I certainly wasn’t leading my household.  I ignored my wife and kids. I’d snap on them if they interrupted me or dared to “bother” me.  My wife and I were roommates at best. My kids only saw me for a few minutes a day and when they did I was grumpy or dismissive.  I was pounding back beers like it was going out of style. I ate and ate until I hated myself; because I did. I used every opportunity and resource at my disposal to mask what I truly was, a fraud and a loser.  I spent thousands of dollars to keep up the appearances of being a great Christian, husband, father, and businessman, going into a ton of credit card debt in the process. Everything I did was to cover up who I was and keep anyone from discovering the truth.  I self medicated my pain with sex, alcohol, and money.

I tried for years to stop, to gain control, to turn my life around. I knew what I was doing was self-destructive behavior, but I couldn’t stop.  I wanted freedom. I sought counseling. I prayed harder. I tried harder. Nothing worked.  The hole just got deeper and deeper and deeper.  I was stuck in an endless cycle of addiction.

Then, finally, something changed.  To make a long story short, I was finally exposed.  The lies came out. My true, secret life in the dark was brought to the light.  I was revealed as a fraud. I wasn’t the good husband and father that I looked like I was on Facebook and I wasn’t the devout spiritual Christian that I showed myself to be at church.  

I had to look myself in the mirror and confess who I truly was.   And I hated what I saw. I decided that I finally needed to fight back.   It wasn’t a Hollywood style “I’ve seen the light” moment or anything like that.  I didn’t instantly give up porn or go right to the gym and lose 30 pounds. My marriage didn’t just heal itself and I didn’t all of a sudden become an amazing man of God.  But it was the start of God making a change in my heart. I finally stopped searching for my fulfillment and purpose in this world, and looked to God to lead my life. I found that when I turned away from the things I used to mask my pain and sought God instead, I found the peace I was looking for.  When I opened up about who I truly was on the inside, God opened up pathways for healing. When I confessed my sins to my family, they forgave me.   

Change is not easy.  I kicked and screamed and fought God every step of the way in my journey.  But the moments when I truly committed to change, were when He showed his amazing power.   I used to be afraid of change. I felt safe in the routine. I was uneasy with the unknown. What if I failed? What if people discovered my secrets?  However, when I committed to change and didn’t give up, amazing things happened. When I started to read my Bible every day and spend time in prayer, I found hope, peace, and the purpose I was looking for.  When I stopped looking at porn and sleeping with nameless women, I saw how truly beautiful my wife was and how deeply I loved her. When I turned off the TV and put down the phone, I created memories with my children that will last forever.  When I stopped eating and drinking like a slob and hit the gym, I felt healthier, stronger, and had more energy. When I became a husband, father, and man worthy of being respected, I earned the respect I had previously tried to demand.  

But in order to become the man I wanted and needed to be, I had to go through an initiation.  I had to face my demons. I had to go through a period where I was challenged, and instead of bowing to my selfish desires, I had to conquer the forces trying to take me down.

In the Gospel of Luke, chapter 4, the Holy Spirit led Jesus “into the wilderness” to be tested for 40 days.  Jesus faced the temptations that all men face. He was fully God, but also fully man. He faced physical hardship.  He faced emotional hardship. And he faced spiritual hardship. Each time he stood firm with His foundation in the Scriptures and fought back against the devil who was trying to take Him down.  

I’m calling on men to go “Into The Wilderness”.  In order to transform our lives, we have to face our demons.  We have to challenge ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  My mission is to help men overcome sexual addiction and challenge them to transform their lives by renewing their faith, re-energizing their families, and restoring their masculinity. There will be physical challenges as we need to treat our bodies as a temple and keep them sharp and ready.  There will be emotional challenges and tough questions that you’ll have to answer. You may have to come to terms with some issues that you don’t really want to face. And there will be spiritual challenges.  We have to ensure that we are spending time in God’s Word and in prayer, or all of this is pointless.   

So I ask you, no, I challenge you, to come on this journey with me.  I’m certainly no guru or expert, and I need this challenge just as much as anyone else.  But I’m asking you to fight alongside me, to stand up against the forces of this modern world that are trying to keep men from becoming the true men of God they should be.  

I also offer one-on-one coaching if at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you. I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with sexual addiction shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your fight to be a better man.

Join me, brother, as we journey “Into The Wilderness” to become the providers, protectors, and pastors that God has called Christian men to be. 


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.