Progress Over Perfection

There’s one phrase that I repeat over and over again to the men that I coach.  

“Two steps forward, one step back, is still moving forward.”

The point is that just because you might be falling short sometimes, doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress.   If you’re fighting, if you’re working hard, if you’re determined, you will continually move forward, even if you aren’t successful 100% of time.

Too often, we strive only for perfection.  While we should strive for excellence, we should be concentrating on the times when we’re successful, instead of beating ourselves up when we fail.  

I see this all the time when working with men battling porn addiction.  They try to quit porn and go for a set amount of time with no relapses, which isn’t a bad thing, but the problem comes when the “streak” ends.  Many men feel like they’ve failed when they have a setback.   But they haven’t failed.  They’ve only taken one step back.

Let’s say a man goes two weeks without watching porn, then slips up and watches porn and masturbates.  He may think he failed.  But he didn’t!  He was successful 13 days in a row and fell short one day.  That’s 13 wins and one loss.  

To use a baseball term, that’s a batting average of .928!  You wouldn’t call a guy who got on base 13 times out of 14 a failure.

Stop trying to go for the hitting streak.  Instead head to the plate looking to improve your batting average.

We need to shift our mindset from despairing over failures to celebrating victories.  Imperfect progress is better than being flawless while standing still.  Build momentum by achieving those small victories day after day.  You don’t have to take a giant leap forward every day.  Just focus on doing the little things right consistently.  Then after a time, you can look back and see how far you’ve come.  Sure, the path may not be perfectly straight, but you’re in a better place than you were before.

Progress is not a straight line.  There are detours.  There are bumps in the road.  The important thing is to keep pressing forward.  Keep fighting and don’t let those hindrances hold you back.

Here’s something you can do to help you begin to focus on the wins instead of the losses.

At the end of each day, in your journal, write down three wins that you achieved that day.  They don’t have to be something major, just three things that you succeeded in.  Sometimes just getting through the day in one piece is a win!  Writing down these wins will help you shift your mindset from perfection to progress.  You’ll start focusing on how you are winning and moving forward instead of how you might have fallen short.  It will help you build momentum.  And when you do slip up, you can look back at those lists and see how many more times you were successful versus how many times had a setback.   You will see your batting average rise over time.

My challenge to you is to focus on progress not perfection.  Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean you’re failing.  Your stone may have some rough edges, but that doesn’t mean the stone is worthless.  You don’t have to scrap it and start over.  You can knock off the rough edges and build it into something great.

Focus on Progress over Perfection.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
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  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Is Adultery Forgivable?

Marriage and long term relationships always have their ups and downs.  Any one who has been in one for any length of time can tell you there will be actions you have to forgive the other partner for and you’re going to have to be willing to accept imperfections about them.

But is there anything that your spouse could do that would be unforgivable?

I’ve written at length about how damaging porn addiction is to a relationship.  I’ve also written that it does not mean the marriage is over. Many marriages have survived and even thrived after recovery from porn addiction.

But what if someone goes one step further and commits adultery?

Is adultery forgivable?

If your spouse commits adultery, and by adultery I mean actually having sexual intercourse with someone outside of the marriage, can that marriage survive?

Adultery is much more common than you think.  In a totally unscientific, i.e. Twitter, poll, I received these results.

This means a little over one in every five people have committed some form of adultery against their spouse.

For many people, adultery is a line in the sand.  If that line is crossed, divorce is the only option.  

In the Bible, Jesus does make an allowance for divorce if one partner commits sexual immorality, which would include adultery.  He also adds the caveat that if someone divorces their spouse for any reason other than sexual immorality, they themselves are committing adultery.  (Matthew 5:32)

But does this mean if someone commits adultery you MUST divorce them?

NO.

Adultery is a grave sin.  It is listed as it’s own commandment in the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God.  It’s even still on the law books in some states as a law open to prosecution.

But sin is sin is sin.  There is no sin that is “better” or “worse” in God’s eyes. The punishment for sin is death. (Romans 6:23)  Christ died to forgive us of ALL sin, no matter how horrible, damaging, or debaucherous it may be.  

He forgave the woman caught in adultery in John 8 telling her, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.”

If Christ is willing to forgive the sin of adultery, shouldn’t we?

YES.

If someone commits adultery against you, you should forgive them. (Matthew 6:15)  But that doesn’t mean that you have to stay married to them.

There’s a reason Jesus provided that exception to allow for divorce.  The collateral damage caused by adultery can often be too much for a marriage to overcome.  

Yet, even as bad as adultery can be, it is forgivable.  

Adultery does not have to end in divorce.

It is possible for marriages and relationships to overcome infidelity.  It is an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it can be done.

How do I know?  Because mine did.

Ready for some cold hard truth?

I’m an adulterer.

My porn and sexual addiction escalated far beyond just porn, masturbation and fantasy.  I committed adultery by having sexual relations with other women.  It did almost lead to divorce.  Things were very touch and go for some time.  But we committed to fight through all the pain and heartache.  We have survived.

I dare to say we have even thrived since all my sins were revealed.  We’re more open and honest with each other.  The “fairy tale” is over.  It hasn’t been happily ever after.  It’s been very, very difficult.  Now we can both admit that neither of us are perfect.  And “what God has joined together, let no man separate,” no matter how difficult it may be.

I certainly understand there are scenarios involving adultery where divorce is not only permissable, but necessary.  But I believe in today’s “disposable” society, marriages are often thrown away and given up on without any effort to restore them.

It’s time we fought for marriage.  If couple’s spent more time preparing for being married instead of getting married, i.e. the wedding itself, there would be many more happy marriages.

Sexual sin is growing.  The world revolves around sex these days.  My mission is to help men who have fallen into sexual sin and help them restore the damage they have done, even if it is as bad as adultery.  

No man is too broken.

No marriage is too damaged.

Christ can restore every broken heart and heal every wound. 

But we have to be willing to put in the work of forgiveness for that to happen.

Adultery IS forgivable.  

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

The Lost Art of Deep Conversation

When was the last time you had a deep meaningful conversation with someone?

If you can’t remember, that’s a problem.

The majority of the conversations that men have are extremely shallow.  Many rarely ever go beyond the weather or sports.

But men need conversation.  We need to connect with one another on a deeper level.  There is a level of connection and intimacy that men are craving yet aren’t engaging in and it’s having consequences.

Many porn addictions are a result of a desire for intimacy, connection, and acceptance.  When men are addicted to watching porn, they’re not seeking out sexual pleasure, they’re looking to feel something.  They’re looking to fill a hole in their life, to fulfill a legitimate need, but they don’t know how to find it in a legitimate way, so they seek it in the illegitimate quick fix of porn.

Many men aren’t seeking porn, they’re seeking a friend.  

So why aren’t men having meaningful, heartfelt conversations? 

1. Men are afraid to open up.

Men have a tendency to put up walls around themselves.  They are afraid to let anyone see what’s going on inside.  Often they’re fearful of what others will think.  So instead of risking rejection, they don’t open up all.  The consequence is that these thoughts, feelings, and emotions are bottled up inside until they explode out in negative ways like porn, alcohol, angry outbursts, nervous breakdowns, etc.  

Men need opportunities to be vulnerable.  They need to show emotion.  Yes, men should remain steadfast and in control in front of their families.  Families need to see strength.  But men need someone with whom they can be vulnerable and express what is going on in their lives.  

In the interest of putting up a wall of strength, men put up a wall around everything.  You can build an impenetrable castle wall, but you know what happens when someone lays siege to it?  It slowly dies from the inside out.  

We need to learn when to show strength, and when to find opportunities to open up to other men through deep conversation.

2. Men think deep conversations are for women

Far too many men think that deep, heartfelt conversations are for women.  If male conversation strays from anything other than sports, beer, music, cars, and politics, you’re requested to turn in your man card.  

Women are more conversational and emotional, yes, but that doesn’t mean men cannot have meaningful discussions.  You’re not effeminate or less of a man if you talk about the issues you struggle with in your life.  Men need to discuss their weaknesses.  They need to seek help from other men.  

You can and should have open and intimate conversations with your wife.  But nothing can replace the bond that can form when two men grow in friendship.  It’s not “gay” or a “bromance.”  It’s fraternity.  It’s comradery.  It’s brotherhood.

3. Men do not have the proper place for conversation.

One of the biggest reasons men don’t engage in deep conversation is they lack the proper venue to do so.  Many so-called “men’s groups” never actually engage in deep conversation either.  I’ve been a part of many church bible studies for men that dance around the tough conversations.  Most workplaces don’t offer a suitable environment for meaningful discussions either.  In other areas, men are so scared of “offending” anyone that they never bring up anything substantial or potentially controversial.

The result is men have no place to actually have a meaningful discussion even if they wanted to.

If you’re going to thrive as a man, you must find a group of men to bond with.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”

Proverbs 27:17

Men grow by bonding with other men.  They push each other to be better, support one another, and keep everyone accountable.  

Men need a tribe.

You can find your tribe in a close group of like-minded friends who are willing to band together as brothers.  You can find it in fraternities like the Masons.  I’m actively involved in my Masonic lodge and the relationships that I’ve made there are deep and close.  

Believe it or not, you can also find this tribe online.  I’m part of the Fraternity of Excellence, a brotherhood of exceptional men. We gather together online from around the world to be a place where men can be men, have meaningful conversations, and learn from each other.  

I recently went to a meet-up with 25 men from F.O.E. and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life.  We bonded as brothers, we faced challenges together, and we became better men.  We had deep, intense conversations expressing where we are weak so we can learn to become strong. 

Men today are in search of deep conversation.  They need intimate relationships.  They’re crying out for brotherhood.

I challenge you brother, find a tribe where you can engage in meaningful conversations. Connect with other men so that you can share your burdens and learn from each other.

Brotherhood is born in conversation.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Who Wears The Pants? 10 Ways Men Must Lead Their Families

Who “wears the pants” in your family?

If the answer is not unquestionably you, you’re failing as a man. 

Masculinity begets leadership.  Masculinity IS leadership.  Man was born to lead.  This is his purpose, his duty, and where he finds fulfillment.  

Men, it is your job to lead your family.  It is not your wife’s.  And if you’re not ready to lead a family, you’re not ready to have a family.  

One of the sharpest insults someone can say about a man is that his wife “wears the pants.”  It implies emasculation.  Which it is.  It means he isn’t man enough to be in charge.  

But it also says something about the wife. By having to “wear the pants” it means she’s not “wearing a dress.”  i.e. she’s not being feminine.  Too often, women take on the masculine leadership role not because they are domineering, feminist women, but because they have to.  Someone has to lead and far too often the men can’t or won’t.  Believe me, women don’t want to “wear the pants,” but they’re often forced to.  

If a man is the leader and head of his household as he should be, his wife can take on the feminine, nurturing role she was made for.  This whole equality movement between the sexes we’ve seen over the years is nonsense.  There is a difference between equal value and equal role.  Of course men and women have equal value.  We are both made in the image of God, but we are not equal in role. 

Men, it’s up to YOU to take charge and be the leader of your family.  

But there’s more to leading your family than simply being “in charge.”  

Here are 10 ways that a man should lead his family.

1. Spiritually

I believe leading your family spiritually is the most important role of a husband and father.  If you’re not leading your family spiritually, you’re not leading your family at all.  

You need to set the example for faith in your home.  Want your kids to pray? Pray with them.  Want your kids to read the Bible? Read it yourself.  And the big one… Want your kids to go to church? Go with them.

Much has been said about the feminization of the church in recent years.  Some of this is a result of the culture, but another reason is because there aren’t men there to lead it!  

If your wife goes to church more than you do, you are NOT leading your family.

Instill the spiritual values you hold dear into your children.  Teach them the importance of faith and salvation.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Men, be the pastor of your own household.

2. Physical Fitness

No good man allows their family to become fat.  How can you provide, protect, and lead your family if you’re not physically fit to do so?  How can you lead your family if you drop dead of a heart attack becasue you’re morbidly obese?

Men lead their families to be fit by being physically fit themselves.  Don’t bark at your kids for being couch potatoes when you spend every Sunday on the couch drinking beer and watching football.  

Teach your family the importance of fitness from a young age and they will carry it with them their entire lives.  

Be active with your family as well.  Go on hikes together. Ride bikes together.  You can build memories while also staying in shape.  A fun family hike will be remembered much longer than family movie night.  

Be fit, and they will follow.

3. Communication

To be an effective leader, you need to be an effective communicator.  Talk to your family.  Don’t sweep things under the rug.  If there are issues that need to be addressed, deal with them right away.  

No issue should ever be off limits.  If you don’t establish proper communication, when your kids get older, they won’t come to you with issues in their lives and you’ll have no idea what is going on.

The best way to enable effective communication is through family meetings.  Schedule a time once a week to sit down together and discuss the issues you need to discuss as a family. 

4. Preparedness

There’s an old adage that says, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.”  Men who are effective leaders are prepared for everything.  They are prepared to handle expected and especially, unexpected changes.  

When SHTF whether it’s financially, politically, emotionally, physically, or in any other way, your family will look to you to lead and you better have a plan.  Not only is it important to have a plan, it’s important to share your plan.  Your family should know what to do in case of an emergency.

Leading your family requires being prepared for every situation.

5. Strength

It goes without saying men need to be strong.  But not just physically strong, emotionally and mentally strong as well.  You’ll be no good as leader if you crumble under pressure.

When your family looks to you, they should see strength, fortitude, and perseverance.  They should never see weakness, indecision, or doubt.  It’s not that men can’t have these feelings, we all do, but your family should never see them.  This is why men need brotherhood and fraternity.  It provides them a place to be vulnerable and accountable so that they can show their families strength.

6. Be The Change

If you want your family to change, change yourself first.  My good friend, Zac Small, often says, “Your kids will follow your actions, not your advice.”

We’ve probably all had a boss who expected something of us, but didn’t follow the rules themselves.  How do we all feel about that boss? We couldn’t stand him.  Your family feels the same way about you if you’re a hypocrite.

Don’t ever ask your family to do something you’re not willing to do yourself.  Once they start seeing the results of the positive changes you’re making, you won’t need to tell them to change, they’ll follow your lead.

7. Earn Respect, Not Demand It

If you have to demand respect, you aren’t worthy of respect. 

If you’re leading your family the way you should be, your wife and children will respect you.  If they don’t it’s because you’re not being the man and leader they want and need you to be.  

Yes, your children should obey you simply because you’re their father, but it doesn’t mean they respect you.  

Be a man of honor, integrity, and true to your word, and they will respect you.

8. Finances

Finances are one area where many men struggle, often because they weren’t taught themselves.  Take the time to get a good financial education and get your finances in proper order.

You can’t properly lead your family if you’re broke.  Get out of debt, save for a rainy day and invest for the future.  Then teach everything you’ve learned to your family.  Financial education in schools is horrendous. Make sure they learn the truth about money from you.  

9. Teaching

A good man not only leads, he teaches.  

The best teacher your children ever have shouldn’t be found in a school.  They should be found in the home. 

Instead of doing things for them, teach them how to do it themselves.  The old proverb, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime” rings true here.

Pass along the skills you’ve learned, but also pass along the lessons you’ve learned.  Share with them the mistakes you’ve made and how to avoid them.   

Instead of telling your family what to do, teach them what to do.  

10. Responsibility

A good man and a good leader takes responsibility. He doesn’t deflect blame or “pass the buck.”  If you messed up, admit it, accept the consequences, and learn from it.  

So many of the problems in today’s world stem from people’s refusal to accept the consequences for their actions and take responsibility.  The first thing people do when something goes wrong is to find someone else to blame.

That’s not how men work and not how good leaders act.  Take ownership of your actions and your decisions.  No one is responsible for you but you.  As President Truman often said, “The buck stops here.” 

But you are also responsible for the actions of those you are leading.  The behavior of your family is a reflection on your leadership.  If something is not right, it’s your responsibility to make sure it gets corrected.  

True leaders are accountable and responsible for every action that they take every action of those under them.  


There are undoubtedly many more ways in which men need to be leaders of their families.  Truth is, we should never stop trying to find more and better ways to lead.  

You will fail as a leader.  I have failed in many ways and many times.  The important thing is to learn from failure and to never give up.

The only people to never fail are the people who never tried.  

If you want to be the one who “wears the pants” in your family, you must be a strong and effective leader.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

5 Things You MUST Do To Quit Porn

Porn addiction is real.

There’s no denying this. People may argue whether or not it’s moral, but you cannot argue that it has a devastating effect on society, young men in particular.

According to Covenant Eyes, 63% of 18-30 year olds watch porn multiple times a week and 79% view porn at least once a month.

In addition, porn use is cited in 56% of divorces.  It has been shown to increase anxiety, depression, low testosterone, and isolation.  

Porn addiction is also leading to issues of erectile dysfunction among an increasing number of men.  Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction is caused by men viewing porn so much that their brain requires pornographic stimulation to achieve erection and they are unable to perform when they try to have sex with their partner.

I have experienced the damage of porn addiction first hand.  I was addicted to pornography and sex for over 15 years.  What started as teenage curiosity turned into destructive compulsive behavior that led to extreme depression, destroyed relationships, and nearly ended my marriage.  My addiction also escalated from watching porn to viewing webcams, to chatrooms and even into online hookups, sex clubs, and orgies.  It led me to behavior I otherwise would have found abhorrent.

Yet, I broke free from all of it!  How?  I was exposed.  My behavior was uncovered and revealed to my wife, my family, and my friends.  It was hidden for years, but having my behavior brought to light was a wake up call.  I had tried to quit many times before but fell back into my addiction every time.  Yet, this last time was different.  Enough was enough.  I looked myself in the mirror, hated what looked back at me, and decided I finally had to get serious help.

Through a combination of coaching, counseling, great mentors, a whole lot of prayer, and the love and support of my family, I quit porn once and for all.  It wasn’t an easy battle, but I never quit.  

Maybe you’re feeling the same way?  Maybe you’ve been battling this addiction for years, keeping your secrets in the dark, hoping they’ll go away, but never being able to actually quit.  Maybe your wife found out and gave you the ultimatum: quit or else.  Maybe you’re just sick and tired of the cycle of shame and regret that porn addiction causes.

Whatever your reason, you want to quit porn or you wouldn’t be reading this article.

A whole lot of work goes into quitting a compulsive addiction like pornography, much more than can be explained in a single article, but here are five things you MUST do if you want to quit porn.

  1. Have Accountability

You cannot defeat porn addiction alone.  You’ve probably tried for years now and have gotten nowhere.  You must have someone who is battling alongside you, encouraging you, and making sure you’re staying on course.  

In my book and video series, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal, I discuss the importance of having a “Nathan.”  Nathan was the prophet who called King David out for his sin of adultery with Bathsheba.   David needed a friend with the courage to keep him accountable.  He needed a brother to help him realize his errors and seek redemption.

I wouldn’t have made the progress I’ve made in my own recovery from porn addiction if I hadn’t had friends who supported me and kept me accountable.  Having someone who you can go to with complete confidence and knowing they’re going to tell it to you straight is essential if you’re going to quit porn. 

  1. Get off the devices

We all know we spend way too much time on our phones, computers, and in front of the TV.  This is a problem for almost everyone these days.  But electronic devices hold a greater danger for men who struggle with porn.  Many men who are addicted to porn access it exclusively on a smartphone.  You have constant, free access to porn in your pocket anytime, anywhere.

It’s so easy to be mindlessly scrolling social media, see a triggering image, and next thing you know, you’re on a porn site and your hand is creeping down your pants.  You may think you’re strong enough to avoid all the “models” on social media.  Trust me, you’re not.  

If you’re going to defeat porn addiction, you have to defeat device addiction first.  Establish the habit of turning off all your devices for a set amount of time each day.  Turn off notifications too.  You don’t need to be notified of everything.  Turning off devices after a certain time each night before bed is especially helpful.  Many men, myself included, struggled the most at night.  Removing access to your device removes access to porn.

  1. Get Active

Continual porn use leads to isolation, lethargy, and anxiety.  These things also lead to the urge to seek porn for relief causing an endless cycle..  One of the best ways to fight against porn addiction is to stay active.

Physical activity provides a healthy way to release stress and anxiety.  It fights off depression and anxiety.  It improves mood, releases stress, and leads to an all around healthier lifestyle.

When you find yourself tempted, get up and move!  Don’t keep staring at the screen. If you feel like you need a release of tension, go do something physical.  Run, lift weights, ride a bike, whatever you can do to refocus your mind and body.  You cannot live a sedentary lifestyle and expect to defeat porn addiction.   

So many men use porn as a release from stress.  In order to quit, you need a healthy way to alleviate that tension.  Get outside, take in some sunshine and vitamin D.  During my recovery, I lost 35 pounds.  Everytime I felt an urge, I did push ups, went for a walk, played sports, or engaged in some sort of physical activity.  To defeat porn, you must get active. 

  1. Establish Routine

Building routine is vital to quitting porn.  Routine keeps you consistent, encourages good habits, and helps avoid triggering situations.  Regular routines also help to achieve small victories throughout the day to build momentum in your battle.

In my battle with porn addiction, I had to establish new daily routines.  My old way of life made it too easy for me to succumb to the temptation to watch porn.  So, I build new routines to avoid any situation which could cause me to relapse, while at the same time providing a way to decompress and reduce stress.

Some things you can do as part of your routine are to journal, read books, meditate, and exercise.  Exactly what you do as part of your routine is up to you.  The important part is to stay consistent.  Regularly keeping your routine will avoid the times where temptation could get the best of you.

  1. Work Through Emotions

The most important thing you must do in order to quit porn is to face your emotions.  Porn addiction rarely has anything to do with sex.  But it has everything to do with how you handle pain and emotions.

You use porn to “escape” emotional pain, trauma, anxiety, and depression.  Eventually your brain re-wired itself to seek out porn the instant you’re faced with any negative emotion so that you became addicted not to the porn itself, but to the dopamine rush you used to self-medicate pain in your life.

That’s why quitting is so hard.  It’s not just breaking bad habits, it’s learning how to properly cope with that pain you’ve been using porn to avoid. You must learn to sit with those emotions and feel them, process them, and manage them in a healthy way. You need to grieve any loss, forgive wrongs, and dispel the painful lies about yourself you have come to believe. This process is what breaks you free from the bonds that hold you captive to your addiction.

Coaching and counseling can help you work through these emotions and learn how to process pain in a healthy way.  This is what I’ve helped hundreds of men work through in order to find freedom from porn addiction.

Defeating porn addiction requires revealing the true cause of the addiction.  The cause isn’t a higher sex drive or perversion.  The cause is something deep with you that you use porn to escape from.  To finally quit porn for good, you must work through those emotions.

I offer one-on-one coaching if you feel you need someone to come alongside and support you in your battle. I provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.

Contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter @Timothy Reigle if one- on-one coaching could help in your battle to live porn free.

For more in-depth guidance on defeating porn addiction, start my online video coaching course, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal. This book will show you the methods I used to finally overcome my addiction, find healing, and live a life free from porn addiction. 

Putting these five things in to practice will help you to quit porn.  It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you can do it brother.  I believe in you.  If I can turn my back on porn addiction after 15 years, so can you.

Just remember to always keep fighting, stay strong, and never, ever give up and you can quit porn for good.

Click HERE To get
Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewa
l


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
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  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Is Masturbation Ok?

Hardly a day goes by when I do not receive a message or an email from someone asking something like this, “I have gone X days without watching porn, but I still masturbate regularly.  Is that ok?”

Is masturbation without porn ok?

Unfortunately, there isn’t really a simple yes or no answer to that question.  So let’s break it down a bit.

Watching porn and masturbation are two completely separate acts.  One involves visual stimulation.  The other involves physical stimulation.  However, they’re almost always performed in conjunction with one another. The whole point of watching porn is for sexual pleasure, so there is almost always masturbation to provide the sexual release.  

Very rarely do men watch porn without masturbating as well.   When men say, “I’m addicted to porn”, they’re not simply admitting to sitting in front of a screen watching porn for hours.  They’re addicted to watching porn and masturbating.  I know of very few men who only enjoyed watching porn and not also masturbating to it.

The same cannot be said of the opposite situation, however.  Men very often will masturbate without watching porn, especially in the shower.   It’s not usually that hard for a man to achieve erection and orgasm without visual aids.  Sometimes just touching themselves is enough stimulation to get off.  Most often, however, men will go into their mental bank of sexual images or replay sexual encounters in their minds eye to give them the stimulation they need.  Fantasizing is another activity men use to masturbate to.  Basically, they create their own porn with their thoughts.

Therein lies the problem with masturbation.  It usually still involves some type of sexual imagery and lust, even if it’s only in your mind.  The only difference between masturbating to fantasies and masturbating to porn is that there is no physical image to look at.  Besides that, you’re still lusting sexually after a woman.   

Lust is sin, whether physical or imagined.  

There is no difference between watching explicit porn, and undressing a woman with your eyes who you see walking down the street.  

Secondly, the major issue of porn and sex addiction isn’t porn itself, or even masturbation itself, it’s the result of both:  Orgasm.  

You watch porn so you can masturbate.  You masturbate so you can orgasm.  Ejaculating is the purpose of both.   Orgasm is when your brain is flooded with dopamine and serotonin.  This is what gives you the euphoric feeling when you orgasm.  It’s this good feeling that we run to to “escape” the emotions that are driving the addiction.   When you are triggered by whatever emotional wound is causing your addiction, you run to porn, masturbation, and orgasm to feel better.It’s the release of this “drug” at orgasm that we actually get addicted to. 

In this way, masturbation alone is no better than watching porn.  You’re still avoiding the pain in your life, you’re just not using sexual images online to do it.

So, no, Masturbation alone is not ok.  It’s not a healthy alternative to avoid watching porn because it doesn’t solve the core problem driving you to seek sexual release.  

But………………..

Masturbation can be a step in the right direction.  

Let me explain.

I often tell the men I coach that it is almost impossible to quit porn cold turkey.  Relapses are to be expected.  Where masturbation can be used in a good way is to wean yourself off the drug of porn addiction.  

While masturbation is certainly not an effective alternative to watching porn, it is marginally better.  It’s a step forward.  If a man is watching porn and masturbating five times a week and they can reduce that behavior to only masturbating five times a week, that is progress. 

Remember, two steps forward, one step back, is still moving forward.

While I will not encourage you to masturbate as an alternative to porn, it can be used as a way to gradually “detox” yourself from the addiction.  I would much rather see man gradually go from watching porn and masturbating, to only masturbating, than to see a man go with nothing for a week and then completely relapse time and time again.  One is making gradual progress, the other is stuck in a vicious cycle.

Another question that is often asked is, “Is masturbation a sin?”  The Bible does not specifically address masturbation like it does other sexual sin like adultery.   An often mentioned passage is Genesis 38 where Onan is described as “spilling his semen on the ground.” This story, however, is referring to birth control, not masturbation.  Onan was “pulling out.”

Since the vast majority of the time masturbation involves lustful sexual thoughts, I would consider it a sin.  

Bottom Line:

While masturbation can be effectively used to gradually reduce porn consumption, it is not a healthy alternative to porn or a long-term solution.  

If you want to truly live porn free, you also need to live masturbation free.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Join The PORN FREE 2021 Challenge

A new year is a time to reflect and a time to look ahead.  It’s a time when we set goals and try to make needed changes in our lives.

Unfortunately, many times those changes don’t even last until February.

So, this year, I’m not asking you to make a New Year’s resolution.  I’m asking you to take on a New Year’s CHALLENGE.

I don’t want you to simply try to create a new habit.  I’m asking you to push yourself.  I want you to take on a challenge that you think is impossible.  

I challenge you to join me in living completely Porn Free in 2021. 

This will not be easy, even for me.  It will require hard work, determination, and faith.  You will be pushed beyond what you believe you are capable of doing.  It will require strength beyond yourself.  

To you, this challenge may seem beyond your reach.  But with God, anything is possible.  He can provide you with the strength and courage required to do the impossible.  

This new year is a chance to wipe the slate clean, to start fresh, and to begin anew.  It’s an opportunity to change your life forever.

My life has done a total 180° since I overcame my porn addiction.  I not only quit porn, I lost 35 pounds, I started a blog, I began coaching, I restored my broken marriage, and I’ve created multiple income streams.

I could not have achieved any of those things had I not quit porn first.

You know you need to quit.  You know it’s worse than just a bad habit.  You know it’s destroying you from the inside out.  This is your opportunity to change your life!

I want as many men as possible to have the tools necessary to take on this challenge.

Now through New Year’s Day, I’m offering my video coaching course, LIVING PORN FREE: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal for only $21.00!

That’s $56 off the normal price!

I’ve never offered this program for less than this and probably never will.  This is your opportunity to learn the tools and methods I used to finally overcome 15+ years of porn and sex addiction and find healing and redemption  

You’ll learn:

  • How and why you got addicted in the first place
  • Proven methods for avoiding and overcoming triggers
  • Who you need on your team to help you win the battle
  • Biblical lessons on confession, redemption, and forgiveness
  • Tools, Routines, and Techniques to help you quit porn once and for all

And don’t just take it from me, listen to what this brother who found freedom through Living Porn Free has to say:

“When I first took Living Porn Free, I was REALLY struggling. But I followed the steps to get myself on track to finding freedom. Months later, I have beaten this addiction thanks to Timothy’s help and one-on-one coaching. Putting his plan and suggestions into practice helped me finally find freedom.”

Aaron M.

PORN FREE 2021 is more than a challenge. This is a ticket to freedom. 

Don’t waste this special opportunity to finally break free from the bonds of porn addiction.  

Porn has controlled your life for far too long.  The time is now for you to Live Porn Free.

Join me in the PORN FREE 2021 Challenge.

Click here to start LIVING PORN FREE


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Covid, Porn, and Human Sex Trafficking – A Vicious Combination

This week I’m happy to have a guest post from Melanie Trammell-Wenger. Melanie is an advocate raising awareness about human sex trafficking. She is also co-worker of mine at my church where I serve as Worship Director.

Covid never seems to disappoint in the ways it has wreaked havoc on our world this year.

Porn sites saw a HUGE increase in traffic worldwide during the corona virus shutdown. Many like Pornhub offered free subscriptions, premium content and corona themed videos to users who were stuck at home. And while the industry claims that it helps relieve anxiety, depression and loneliness – multiple studies will tell you that it actually preys on and then exacerbates these very things in its consumers to make its money. In addition, pornography is often saturated with violence (especially toward women) which can normalize and rationalize violent behavior. “Assault”, “rape”, and “abuse” are among some of the most popular porn searches, and physical aggression appeared in 88% of 304 porn scenes studied. In fact, pornography is such a problem in our society that that 16 US states have declared it a public health crisis. Basically a bad idea, don’t do it.

But what does this have to do with human trafficking? Well, many things.

First of all, a person on a webcam or in a pornographic video is as likely to be a trafficking victim as a person selling sex in any other environment. That means that there is plenty of pornographic content that our culture consumes that is non-consensual. And with the shutdowns – that number is likely to increase. Pretty much everything about human trafficking is all about supply and demand. As more people turn to porn during the shutdowns, the more likely it will be for traffickers to force their victims into performing it. Additionally, as more violent content becomes popular – the more likely it becomes for victims to suffer through that as well.

And it’s not just traffickers that already have victims that are peddling out non-consensual sexual services, but in fact a new disturbing trend is landlords pressuring cash stripped renters to perform sexual acts to avoid being evicted. Again we see here that vulnerability and opportunity because of chaos are two major factors in the fight to end human trafficking.

Even further, as street based and call in sex buying has slowed down (but not stopped), which sounds like a good thing but could actually force victims into more dangerous situations.

“Polaris’s own analysis of online communities of frequent sex buyers shows similarly that the most prolific buyers are still buying despite the health threat to themselves and others. Some have indicated that they see the lack of other buyers in the marketplace as an opportunity to negotiate for lower prices because people in the sex trade have even less bargaining power than ever. That “negotiating power” also raises concerns that people in trafficking situations will face additional pressure from their pimps/traffickers to engage in risky in-person sexual activity, such as more aggressive sex acts or “dates” with buyers they suspect are violent.”

And the kicker? Trafficked persons have fewer ways to escape than ever before.

“The Trafficking Hotline remains fully operational and is still connecting people in need to support and services around the country. Those services, however – particularly emergency shelter – have become even more difficult to find than they have been in the past. While there have virtually never been enough beds for those who need them in safe environments, now those resources have shrunk further. Few shelters are taking new clients as they try to maintain healthy environments for those already there. Even transportation, to get away from abusers to minimally available shelters, is more difficult because of the shutdown of countless airline routes, bus and train lines. Intake services, case management, and drop-in services have shut down or, as possible, moved online. That means people who live with their abusers and are not yet ready or able to physically escape have no way to communicate with outside help other than electronically – a dangerous proposition if they share a home with their traffickers. That gives people in active trafficking situations virtually no safe place to receive support as they try to come up with a plan.”

But you can help! Groups like Exodus Cry are committed to ending sexual exploitation and porn culture in our world. You can learn more about them by checking out their website here, or sign their petition to hold Pornhub accountable for their involvement in sex trafficking here.

You can fact check all the claims above by reading these articles:
https://www.dressember.org/blog/pornographyandpandemic
https://polarisproject.org/blog/2020/04/sex-trafficking-is-still-happening-and-may-be-more-violent-than-ever/

About the Author: Melanie Trammell-Wenger is an ambassador from ASPIRE – a nonprofit that works to end human trafficking in the Lehigh Valley, and part of the Dressember Network – another organization that seeks to end human trafficking through awareness and fundraising campaigns during the month of December. But during the day she works as a part time Communications Director at Calvary Bible Fellowship Church in Coopersburg PA, and a UX Designer helping social entrepreneurs redesign their websites into strategic cause vehicles. If you’d ever like to talk about human trafficking, faith or website stuff – shoot her a message 🙂 melanietrammellwenger@gmail.com


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

How Your Company Affects Your Character

Have you ever noticed how your mood or motivation changes depending upon who you’re around at that moment?

In one sense, you could feel down and sorry about yourself, and if you come into contact with the right person, they can quickly have you feel like you can take on the whole world.

In another sense, you could feel motivated and confident in yourself and when a particular person comes along, they somehow manage to bring out the worst in you.

The Apostle Paul, in writing to the Corinthians is 1 Corinthians 15:33 writes, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

He was specifically warning the people of the church not to listen to people who were saying that Jesus didn’t actually rise from the dead, but the broader theme has implications for us as men as well.

We must make sure that the company we keep is company worth having.  Do the people around us push us to better ourselves? Or do they try to bring you down?

Many people try to keep their friends down in an effort to feel better about themselves.  They don’t want you to get better because you’ll make them feel inferior.

We must heed Paul’s advice and rid these people from our lives.  Like a bad apple, they will surely poison the whole bunch.

It may seem like subtle “ball-busting”, but these men mean to bring you down.  These are the type of people who will question your manhood for not wanting to go out drinking with them.  They’ll think something is wrong with you because you don’t want to watch porn everyday anymore like they do.

I’ve been in this situation and I’m sure you have too.  You set goals for yourself, strive to improve areas of your life, but once you connect with certain people, it all goes out the window.

If we are to thrive as men and throw off the hindrances that hold us down, we must seek out men who will enrich our lives and push us to be the best versions of ourselves.

These types of men won’t let you make excuses, they’ll call you out when you try to believe your own BS.  They will keep you accountable and make sure you’re walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  They will support you and encourage you to continually be improving.

These men are true brothers.

Find men who will build your character, not corrupt your character.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

We must surround ourselves with men who will sharpen us, not dull us.  Our company should build us up, not bring us down to their level.

Where can you find men like this?

You must look for places where men are still men.  Hopefully, your church has strong, male leadership and hasn’t become feminized like so many modern churches have become.  For me, there’s great men in my church that push me, pray for me, and support me.  We keep each other accountable and make sure we’re accountable to God as well.

Another place to find men of good character is in a fraternity. I have found lifelong brothers in my Masonic Lodge.  We come together to “take good men and make them better.”  

I recently joined a fraternity of exceptional men called the Fraternity of Excellence.  It is a brotherhood of men who learn together, provide accountability, tough love, and don’t let a man fall behind.  We push each other to better fathers, husbands, and men.  We push one another to get fit and strong, both physically and emotionally.  We provide a place for men to build and practice the virtues that make us men.  If you aren’t yet a member, I highly recommend you join.  

If we surround ourselves with negative, manipulative, and mediocre men, we ourselves will become average.  We will sink to the lowest common denominator.

But, if you associate with men of good character, upright morals, and Biblical values, you will be forced to rise to occasion and become the man you’re capable of becoming and the type of man God wants you to be.

So I challenge you, brothers, to examine the company you keep.  Are they corrupting your character? Or are they building your character?

Small Victories in a Larger War

The anti-porn movement won two major victories in the last few days.

First, last Thursday, Mastercard and Visa announced they will stop allowing their cards to be used on Pornhub due to the website hosting videos of child abuse and rape.  Discover quickly followed suit.

www.nytimes.com/visa-mastercard-block-pornhub

This could potentially cause some financial problems for Pornhub as it basically prevents anyone from purchasing their premium and webcam services. How else is someone going to buy something online if they can’t use a debit/credit card?

While this is great news, unfortunately the vast majority of content on Pornhub is offered for free and paid for through advertisements, much like YouTube and the main social media platforms.  

So this won’t stop most people from being able to access porn on Pornhub.  BUT, it is a chink in the armor.  Pornhub was once considered untouchable, a behemoth that no one could take down.  This move by the major credit card companies at least shows a line has been drawn in the sand for illegal content.

The second win came on Monday when Pornhub removed all “unverified” videos on it’s platform.  

news.yahoo.com/pornhub-removes-unverified-videos

This action deleted all videos not uploaded by a verified user, which means that anyone can no longer simply upload a video.  This will help them ensure that video content does not include illegal activity or child abuse.

This is certainly good news as it removed a lot of horrific content, however, it doesn’t change much moving forward.  To be verified, all one has to do is upload a picture of them holding a piece of paper with their handle on it to prove it’s them.  There is still no age verification or content review process.  It can stop some videos from being uploaded, but if someone still wants to add illegal content, all they have to do is “verify” themselves first.

Again, this is just a small win in a larger war, but it at least shows that society is not willing to accept blatant depictions of rape and abuse.  

Make no mistake, this IS a war we are in.  We are at war for the purity of men.  We are at war against the objectification of women.  We are at war to uphold Biblical values in our society.  

Yet this battle goes far beyond just trying to take down the major producers and distributors of pornography.  Just because something becomes harder to acquire, doesn’t mean that men won’t continue to search for it.

Look at the smoking industry.  They’ve been under attack for 50 years now.  There are more warning labels and education than ever against smoking, but millions and millions are still addicted.

Even if Pornhub was shut down tomorrow, there would still be millions of men addicted to porn.  Ending websites won’t solve the problem.

Why? 

Porn addiction is a heart problem, not a habit problem. 

Porn addiction is a problem that can only be solved by addressing the issues in each individual’s life, not by banning or outlawing the vice.  

Men found a way to access porn long before the internet existed and will continue to find ways to indulge in sexual imagery regardless of difficulty or legality.

We must continue to fight for purity in our lives.  I will continue my mission of helping men break free from porn addiction and find the healing and redemption that I’ve found. 

Men must learn WHY they’re addicted and treat the inner wounds causing them to act out instead of simply treating symptoms by only trying to remove access to porn.

Removing access to porn will not cure an addiction.

Addiction is defeated by healing the wounds that we use porn to self medicate.  Addiction is defeated when we fight back with determination to make changes in our lives.  And addiction is defeated when we allow Jesus Christ to forgive us of our sin and make us pure in His sight.

THAT is how we win this larger war.

If you need help fighting this battle, you can reach out to me for help.  I have multiple resources to help you win the battle with porn addiction.

If you think one-on-one coaching can help you, email me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter.

We will win this war one man at a time fighting one battle at a time.

Keep fighting brothers.

Never give up.