My Turning Point

When discussing my history with porn and sex addiction and my subsequent recovery, I’m often asked what my turning point was.  

What was the catalyst to change? What made me finally turn my life around?

I cannot say that it was a singular moment that sparked the change in my life from being addicted to seeking recovery.  It certainly wasn’t a Hollywood style “I’ve seen the light” experience or anything like that.  But there was an event that led to the start of God changing my heart.  

Here’s the story. 

For almost ten years, I had two very good friends with whom I was incredibly close.   We were the type of friends people would call a “Bromance”.  They had walk-in privileges at my house and I did at theirs.   I was known as “Uncle Timmy” to their kids.  Our families vacationed together and we were all but inseparable.  These two guys had been my support and my accountability partners through my years of addiction.  They would check up on me and encourage me to keep trying to get better.  One would give me tough love and the other would support and encourage me.  

But throughout my addiction, I lied to them just like I lied to everyone else.  When I would get caught, either by my wife or by them, I would give this heartfelt apology and say I was determined to get better.  I would say all the right things to talk my way out of it.  I talked to them and manipulated our friendship just like I did with my wife.

Until the last time I got caught.

Are you ready for some real honest disclosure here?

A girl I had been texting (sexting would be a better description) screenshot our conversations and sent them to my wife.  My wife then forwarded them on to my two friends.

My wife was obviously devastated.  She thought I had been doing so well with avoiding porn and seeking out other relationships.  It was all a ruse.  

My friends too saw that I had duped them.  At that point, they gave up on me.  They washed their hands of me and cut off all ties with me.  I haven’t spoken to either since.  

On one hand, it hurt.  I lost my best friends when I needed them most.  At that point, I felt like the loneliest person in the world.  But on the other hand, I can’t really blame them.  I had lied to them and manipulated them for years.  

It was this event that woke me up and was the turning point in finally facing my addiction and getting serious help.

Looking back on it, it breaks my heart.  It wasn’t all the damage I caused to my family and all the pain I’d caused my wife that got me to change, it was losing these friends that woke me up.  It was losing my drinking buddies, my golf partners, and my hang out friends that led to change.

That was eye-opening to me.  The damage I did to my marriage should have woken me up.  The guilt and shame should have woken me up.  The years of depression, anxiety, lies, and cover-up should have woken me up.  It didn’t.

But, I thank the Lord every day that this happened.  Because without having consequences for my actions, without losing something tangible, I probably would have continued living the sinful life I was living.  

After this, I started getting serious help and guidance for my addiction.  I realized I couldn’t keep trying to fight this battle alone.  I had hoped this problem would just go away and no one would ever know my secrets.  But it doesn’t work that way.  

I received great help from some mentors, pastors, and counselors.  I began to understand WHY I was addicted.  It wasn’t that I just had a higher sex drive or was a pervert.  It was because I was seeking something through porn.  I wasn’t seeking sex.  I was seeking acceptance, love, purpose, and fulfillment.  I was just looking in all the wrong places.  

I learned that I had a fear of rejection, a fear of not being good enough, and fear of losing control.  I used porn and sex to escape from those negative feelings.  Sex was a drug.  My addiction was self-medication to treat those inner emotional wounds instead of finding healthy ways to cope with and process them.  

Once I dealt with those core issues causing my addiction, I started to find freedom.  I stopped searching for fulfillment through sex and sought it through living for God.  Instead of masking my pain and trying to escape it, I found peace through healing.  I confessed who I truly was and found grace through God and forgiveness from my family.  My wife and I were able to repair our marriage, restore trust, and rebuild our lives.

In our individual battles with addiction, we all need a turning point.  

We need to hit rock bottom.  We need an awakening.  I didn’t provide it.  God did.  He put those two men in my life for that purpose.  They were my “Nathan” from 2 Samuel 12 in the story of David and Bathsheba.  

What was your turning point? 

Was there a specific event that you can refer to as the moment you decided to change?  What led you to seek redemption?  What unique circumstances did God use to finally speak to you?

At some point, we all turn from the path we’re traveling on and go down the road towards redemption and recovery.  That moment should be celebrated; no matter how long it took you to get there.  

I’m thankful for my turning point. It has led to God opening many other doors for me, including this blog and coaching.

Without it, I would still be held captive by addiction.  But now I’m free.  And you can find freedom too.  

Feel free to contact me if you’ve reached your turning point.  I’m more than willing to help you through one-on-one coaching or simply through a quick chat or word of advice.  There is information below on how to reach me.

God has a turning point planned for all of us.  But it’s up to us to steer the wheel.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Think Like A Gardener

Have you ever observed a gardener plant a garden?

I don’t mean a vegetable or herb garden.  I mean a landscaped garden.  A peaceful place to walk and enjoy the beautiful wildlife.

When a gardener plants trees, shrubs, and flowers, they have to think years ahead. If they only designed their gardens for what they look like now, the plants would quickly overwhelm each other as they grow.  They would compete for root space and nutrients from the soil and would choke each other out and die.

Gardeners need to have a vision beyond the immediate moment.  They need to imagine what the garden will look like a year, two years, and ten years down the road.  They then plant and organize their garden accordingly so that it will best be able to grow into what they envision. What looks like a sunny area now, might be a relaxing shady space in a few years.

A gardener knows they won’t see the true beauty of the garden until it has time to grow and mature.  

You must plan your life the same way.

You must have a vision beyond today.  

You need to be able to see how your hard work now will pay off in the future.  You must also avoid giving up just because you cannot yet see the fruits of your labors.

So many in modern society have become so addicted to immediate gratification that they give up at the first sign of difficulty.

This is why you:

-Stop exercising after 2 weeks

-Give up when you relapse once

-Quit on a business when you don’t make money immediately

You can’t get past the difficulty of the immediate moment to see the payoff down the road.  All you see is a dry patch of dirt instead of the beautiful plant that will be there in time.  

Things that are truly worth doing take time to see results.

There’s no such thing as overnight success.  Some things may take off overnight, but I guarantee there were months of work leading up to it.

Today, it might seem like you’ll never get there.  You may feel like giving up.  You may feel like you’ve given everything you have to offer and have nothing to show for it.  I understand.  I’ve felt the same way.  But those moments are the moments where you must press on.  

When it comes to breaking free from addiction, it can take YEARS to be completely free.  You need to keep fighting day after day, week after week, and month after month to see real progress.

Setbacks are going to happen.  You will face hardships.  Things will get worse before they get better.  It will seem like you’ll never, ever reach your goal.

If you give up at the first sign of difficulty, you guarantee you will never reach your goals.

But, if you keep pressing on.  If you keep watering the plants, pulling the weeds, and trimming the branches, one day you will look out and see a beautiful garden that you can enjoy.

Think like a gardener.   Think beyond today.  Plan out what you want your life to look like years from now.  Then work backwards and do what you need to do today to ensure you create the life you envisioned.  

Don’t give up when all you see is a patch of dirt.

Don’t give up when it seems like it hasn’t rained in months.

Don’t give up when a storm comes and batters you down.

Keep fighting.  What you’re experiencing now will only make your roots stronger in the end.  

If you can press on through the difficulties of today, you can enjoy the rewards of freedom later.  One day you’ll look back on the hard days and be glad that you pushed through.  You’ll have won the battle, and you’ll be better off having fought through the hardships to get there.

Always think like a gardener.  Look beyond today at what your work will achieve tomorrow. 


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

What Kind of Father Are You?

What kind of father are you?

Are you the kind of father who is present, engaged, teaching, disciplining and loving?

Or are you the type of father who is absent, unstable, weak, and effeminate?

Pope John XXIII wrote, 

“It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.”

There is no greater time in history where the need for good fathers is more readily apparent than now.

According to the United States Department of Justice, fatherless homes account for:

  • 63% of suicides under 18
  • 90% of homeless and runaway youths
  • 85% of behavioral disorders
  • 71% of high school dropouts
  • 70% of juvenile incarceration
  • 75% of youth substance abuse
  • 71% of teenage pregnancies

Those are sobering statistics.  Many of the problems we face as a society can be traced back to the lack of fathers and the lack of good fathers.  

Our world needs good fathers.  We have a duty, as men, to be good fathers. 

So what IS a good father?  

We need to look no further than to Scripture.

A good father:

  • Instructs his children (Proverbs 22:6)
  • Shows compassion but not weakness (Psalm 103:13)
  • Provides for his family (1 Timothy 5:8)
  • Disciplines but does not provoke (Ephesians 6:4)
  • Shows tough love (Proverbs 13:24)
  • Is a refuge for his children (Proverbs 14:26)
  • Teaches Scripture (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
  • Leaves an inheritance (Proverbs 23:24)
  • Never gives up on his children (Luke 15:11-32)
  • Loves his wife (Ephesians 5:25)
  • Manages his household (1 Timothy 3:4)
  • Prays for his children (1 Chronicles 29:19)

These are the guidelines for us as fathers.  It is up to us to live them out.  

There is no more important role for a man than to be a father.

Everything else a man does dies with him.  His career, his achievements, his hobbies, and personality; none of it lasts.  But a man can leave no greater legacy than well-raised children.

American businessman and inventor, Charles Kettering, wrote, 

“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example, not his advice.”

It’s your duty to show your children how they should live, not just tell them.   They notice when you tell them one thing and do another.  Actions speak louder than words.  If you want your children to grow up to be good people, you have to be a good person yourself.

We can see the damage failed and absent fathers have had on our society.  

So how do we fix it?

Changing the world for the better starts in the home. 

Men need to be present fathers.  They need to be engaged with their children and spend time with their kids.  

Are you giving your children the best version of you?  Or do they see the dad that’s always too tired for them after work?  

Would you rather drink beer and watch sports than play games with them?

Are you wasting time watching porn rather than showing your children how to be a loyal and devoted husband?

Do you think your duty to your family ends with providing a paycheck? Or are you leading and shepherding your family?

Are you showing your sons how to be good strong, masculine men and your daughters what to look for in a man?  Or are you indirectly showing them what a bad husband and father is?

We have no greater responsibility than to be good fathers.  Nothing in our lives should be more important than raising our children.

Men, we must ensure that we are being the best fathers we can be.  No father is perfect.  We’ve all made mistakes.  But we must strive to be the fathers our children need.

We are failing as men if we are failing as fathers.  

Zac Small, aka Hunter Drew, wrote:

“You can be a good man without being a father, but you will never be a good father if you are not good at being a man.”

Are there changes in your life that you need to make to ensure you’re a good man and a good father?

Do you need to lose weight and gain strength to teach your kids how to be healthy?

Do you need to quit watching porn so you can teach them the dangers of addiction?

Do you need to rearrange your schedule so that you have more time for your children?

Do you need to teach them the lessons you’ve learned in life that the schools never will?

You may not have had a great father to learn from.  But just because you didn’t have a good father, doesn’t mean you can’t be a good father.  Now is the time to change the legacy.

Men, let us challenge ourselves to be the best fathers we can be.  Let us challenge ourselves to live out the Biblical principles of fatherhood.  Let us challenge ourselves to instill in our children the values that we hold dear so that they can pass them on to their children.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Failure Is Not An Option

My favorite movie is Apollo 13. I was about 10 when it came out and I was obsessed with NASA and space. 

There’s a scene in the film where Flight Director, Gene Kranz, played by Ed Harris, is talking to his controllers about options for bringing the three astronauts safely home after their spaceship was damaged by an explosion. 

At the end of his inspiring speech he exclaims, “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION”. 

Failure was not going to be accepted or even considered.  No way was he or his team going to allow those three astronauts to die in space.  Success was the only outcome possible. There was no “Plan B”.  There was no “second chance”.  Don’t even consider contingency plans for failure, because it is NOT going to happen.

Often in life, this is the attitude we must embrace.

Failure Is Not An Option.

We have to go all in and stop at nothing until our goals are achieved.

There can be no “Plan B”.  There can be no safety net.  There can be no second chance.

We have to put failure out of our minds.  Don’t even consider it.  

If failure is an option, if there is a “Plan B”, in the back of your mind, there’s an easy way out.  

You cannot take that route.  You must have a singular focus on success.

This is the attitude we must take on in order to defeat sexual addiction.  There is no option for you to fail.  If you can accept failure, if you are willing to take that second option, you won’t have the strength and determination you need to win the battle.

Your mindset must be to achieve one outcome and one outcome only; Victory.

A few years back, my wife and I separated for almost a year.  This was mainly due to my addiction. It was right when I was starting my final year of college and getting ready to begin my career.  I was facing the trauma of my marriage possibly being over, my addiction was still in full swing, and now I had a six year old and a three year old to care for on my own.  I was taking 21 credit hours a semester.  I worked a full-time job and a part time job, plus on-call hours overnight.  

It was the craziest time of my life.  

But I made it through.     How?

Failure was not an option.

I could not afford to fail.  I had to take care of my kids. I had to make money to support them and I had to try to save my marriage. 

Trust me, it would have been easier to admit defeat and throw in the towel.  But I’d have been left with a broken family, a failed marriage, and no career. 

I adopted the mindset that failure was not an option and I pushed through.

I not only made it through this challenging time in my life, I flourished.  I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude with a 4.0 GPA and was selected Student of the Year.  I was able to repair my marriage and my wife and re-united.

But it took singular focus and determination to win.  I could not consider failure.

If you’re facing a similar battle, if your family life is in jeopardy, if you must break free from addiction, you must embrace the same mindset.

When you’re tempted to take the easy path, when you consider that it is OK to fail, when you are faced with accepting less than victory, you must adapt the same mindset that those incredible scientists and astronauts did.  Your mission is to succeed.  Nothing else will do.

Failure is not an option.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Masturbation and Lust

I’m excited to have a guest post from Hugh Houston, pastor and author of Jesus Is Better Than Porn.

Pornography and masturbation almost always walk hand in hand.  This was a huge problem for me.  I know many people have strong feelings on this subject. It is a controversial subject, even among Christians.  As I see it, our primary sex organ is our brain.  The excitement begins in my head as I think about my involvement with that person.  She is beautiful and I am attracted to her body, thus I become stimulated.  According to my understanding of sexuality, this is the only way to reach an orgasm.  Therefore, how can I approve of masturbation, if Jesus said it is wrong to look at a woman with the intention to lust after her? 

In Matthew 5:28 Jesus said:  “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

I don’t believe it is wrong to look at a woman and notice she is pretty.  But when I look at her with the intention and desire to lust, I have sinned.  The only thing I lack is an opportunity to carry out that which my heart wants to do.

From my understanding and my experience, masturbation is impossible without the element of fantasizing and lust, and lust is a sin.  Thus masturbation is not something God intended nor something He approves of. 

(Let me mention here that “wet dreams” are not something a person intends or plans to do, so I can’t see how these can be considered to be wrong.)

Along this line, C. S. Lewis wrote this in Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis (Vol 3, 758-59):

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: send the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.”

Lewis concludes: “After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of ourselves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

I agree with Lewis.  Masturbation is unnecessary.  It is self-centered. Masturbation brought me temporary pleasure.  But as it is a solitary act, masturbation left me feeling empty in the end.

May we see and understand that the Lord provides for all of our needs.  We can rely on Him to take care of us in every way.  The more we focus on lust, the worse it becomes and the more miserable we will be.  Happy is the person who finds their joy in loving God and serving Him as well as their neighbor.  Matthew 22:36-40

To learn more about freedom from lust read: Jesus Is Better Than Porn


I Just Don’t Feel Like It

Some days, I just don’t think I have it in me.  

Today was one of those days.

My alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. this morning and I was NOT feeling it.  

That bed felt so comfortable. I had been up late with meetings. It’s my weekend off.  Everything lined up to tell me, “Take a break, Tim, you’ve earned it.”  

Everything in me wanted to roll over and go back to sleep.  I had that internal back and forth of knowing I should get up, read my Bible and workout, but really wanting an extra hour of sleep. 

After laying there pondering all this for a few minutes, my strength and determination won out.  

I got up, splashed cold water on my face, made some coffee (black like God intended) and sat down with my Bible and then did a full workout. 

I’ll be honest, there’s many a day that I lose this battle.  I give in to the easy comfort over the hard work more than I care to admit. 

If we want to make progress, we have to conquer those days when we just don’t feel like it. 

Brothers, the battle is won or lost in these moments. 

The battle is not won or lost when you question whether or not to open that browser, or text that girl, or spend a few extra minutes in the shower.  At that point, you’ve already lost. 

The battle is won or lost hours or even days before when you decide whether or not to give in to a small, seemingly insignificant temptation.  

The battle is won when you decide to stick to your journaling routine when you’re tired. It’s won when you get that workout in instead of sleeping in.  It’s won when you choose to spend time with God instead of with Netflix.  

Small battles become big ones.  Small lapses in judgement become big ones. Small failures become total relapses.  

So, my brothers, when you’re faced with one of these small battles, find the power to press through. Rely on God for courage and strength.  

Remember the battle is won not in the moments you feel powerful, but in the moments you feel weak.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

That Hurts! How Healing Comes Through Embracing Pain.

What causes the worst pain in your life?

I don’t necessarily mean physical pain as in stubbing your toe or breaking your arm. I mean what causes the most emotional pain?

What are some things in your life that you have a hard time dealing with?  What are some things that you’re unwilling to face because thinking about it or dwelling on it hurts?

Maybe it’s thinking about the abuse you suffered as a child.  Maybe it’s an ever-present fear of failure or rejection.  Maybe it’s shame from a sinful past that you’d rather just hide from.

It’s natural to want to avoid pain.  When you hurt your hand on something, you instinctively pull it away.  If you twist your body the wrong way and a jolt of pain goes up your back, it’s natural to seek relief.

Emotional pain works much the same way.  When something affects us inside we want to pull away or immediately seek relief.

But emotional pain is different.  Pulling away or seeking immediate relief doesn’t always work.  Often that pain stays with us long after the initial injury occurred.  

What we then learn to do is simply to avoid anything that causes emotional pain.  Whenever something happens to trigger that pain in us, we run away to something in order to make us feel better.

What do we run away to?  

If you’re reading this post, there’s a good likelihood it’s porn or sex.  We use porn and sex as a salve for the pain we are unable to cope with.  At some point in our lives, usually early teens, we learned that we could “escape” hurt feelings and emotional pain by indulging in porn, masturbation, and sex.  Eventually, we got hooked.

Our brains rewired themselves to seek out porn the instant we felt any sort of negative emotion.  We became addicted not to the porn, but to the dopamine rush that we used to self-medicate our pain.

This is why defeating addiction is so difficult.  It’s not just breaking bad habits, it’s learning how to properly cope with and process that emotional pain.  

Dealing with that pain is what it takes to overcome porn and sex addiction.  Anything else is only treating the symptoms.  

You can have all the software blockers in the world, you can attempt to avoid triggers, you can read every book on porn addiction there is, none of it will provide lasting healing until you deal with the emotional pain in your life.  

We need to stop running away from pain and turn around and face it.

Dr. Ted Roberts writes in the Conquer Series – The Battle Plan For Purity

Sexual bondage is not about sex. It’s about how you’ve learned to medicate the pain in your life. Once you start facing this, your pain level will actually go up. Because you’ve been medicating that pain for so long, you’ll have to put your big boy pants on, and you’ll have to face the pain.” 

It’s a double-edged sword.  We have to face the pain in order to heal, but addressing it actually causes more pain.   This is why relapse is so common among recovering porn and sex addicts.  

Once you start peeling off those layers of bandaids and expose the wound, it hurts all over again and you want to run right back to your addiction for relief.

This moment is where sexual addiction is defeated.  

We must learn to sit with those emotions and feel them, process them, and manage them in a healthy way.  We need to grieve the pain of any loss we’ve experienced. We need to forgive the wrongs that were done to us.  We need to dispel the painful lies about ourselves we’ve come to believe.  This process is what breaks us free from the bonds that hold us captive to our addiction.  

We often need help to do this.  You cannot defeat addiction alone.  This is where coaching and counseling can help you work through the pain and learn to process it. 

Learning to embrace and process pain in a healthy way is the path to living porn free.

So take a deep breath, find your strength, and face that pain you’ve been avoiding for so long.

You can do it, brother.  I believe in you.  God is by your side. He can give you the strength, the courage, and determination to breakthrough.  

This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will also provide the greatest reward…

Freedom.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Great Men Need Great Mentors

Look at almost every great man throughout history and you’ll find a common thread among them. 

They had a mentor.

Plato had Socrates, Abraham Lincoln had Henry Clay, even Michael Jordan had Phil Jackson.

We all need a mentor. 

I was fortunate to have several men who came into my life and saw me for me, not for what my last name was, or what I did for a career, but for who I was on the inside and the potential they saw there.  

They were willing to teach me, guide me, correct me, and encourage me.

A good mentor tears you down then builds you back up.  He pushes you to be the best you can be.  He gives you sound advice. He’s not afraid to call you out on your errors.

Your mentor can be a coach.  He could be a boss.  Many mentors are pastors or youth leaders at church.  

We all need someone in our corner.

Your father can and certainly should be a mentor to you.  But I believe it’s important to have an outside voice that can speak to you.  I know in my own life, I often wouldn’t listen to my father, but when my mentor would tell me the same thing, I got the message.  Sometimes we just don’t hear things as well from our fathers. Having a mentor gives us that independent voice and support to guide us on life’s path. If you don’t have a father or had a bad one, a mentor can become your surrogate father. 

It’s critical in life to have someone who you can go to for advice and direction.  When we don’t have all the answers, we should have that person we can rely on to give us an honest opinion. A good mentor will tell you what he thinks whether you like it or not.

In our battle with porn, it’s especially important to find a mentor.  You need someone who knows what you’re going through, who knows the battlefield, and has found a path through the mines.  He’ll warn you of situations to steer clear from, and advise you on what methods work to overcome addiction.  

You won’t defeat porn addiction on your own.  You need a guide, a coach, a mentor.  

As important as it is to have a mentor, it’s just as important to be a mentor.

If someone mentored you and showed you how to be a better man, it’s your duty to pass that message on to those who come behind you.  Use the lessons you’ve learned from your mentor to help other men.

Think you don’t have what it takes to be a mentor?  Yes, you do.  You don’t have to possess incredible insight or be inspiring with words.  You just have to be you and pass on the lessons you’ve learned.

I never thought in a million years I would be a mentor to other men.  I sure as hell never thought I’d be coaching men on how to overcome porn addiction.  But God had different plans for me. There were men who helped me and mentored me through my addiction.  They pushed me to be better, they kept me accountable and cheered me on.  I never would have found freedom without them.  God has now laid it upon my heart to do the same for other men who are fighting the same battle I did.  

In your battle with addiction, or just for life in general, all men need a mentor, and all men need to be a mentor.  

Great men don’t become great by chance.  

They work hard, they never give up, and they all have someone who is there for them to support, instruct, and encourage. 

To be a great man, find a mentor. To make more great men, be a mentor.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Why Am I Stuck?

How many times has this thought come to your mind, “Why do I keep doing this? I want to quit. I keep trying, but I keep messing up.  Why am I stuck?”

This is a thought shared by almost every man who’s ever been addicted.  You’re trying so hard to defeat this enemy, yet you keep falling short.  You have the motivation.  You know you need to fix this.  You have tools at your disposal to help you.  Yet, time after time, you continue to act out through your addiction.

WHY?

We are slaves to sin.  

Paul writes in Romans 7:

“The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” 

We are all born sinners.  Ever since the fall of man, there has been sin in the world.  We don’t have to learn how to sin, we are born with it.  Our natural inclination is to do the wrong thing.  Even though we know in our hearts it is wrong, our sinful nature leads us to do it.

Why are we stuck? Because we are born stuck.  It takes more than just willpower to overcome these obstacles in our lives.  

If you want to be free, you first have to admit you’re in chains.

First, we have to realize that we are powerless over our sin.  We are held captive by our sin.  Only by the grace of Jesus Christ and His death on the cross will we ever be free from this sin that lives within us.  No matter how hard we try, no matter how determined we may be, we will never be good enough.  We will fall on our faces every time.

Second, we have to address the root issue.  You cannot defeat porn addiction from the outside in.  You can only find victory from the inside out.  

If you don’t deal with the inner issues that are causing your addiction, you’re only treating the symptoms.  You may have porn blockers on all your devices.  You might have a great accountability partner.  You can be as motivated and determined as you could possibly be.  You will still fall short.  Those things may work for a while, but if you don’t deal with the root issue, the addiction will eventually rear its ugly head once again.

It’s like an alcoholic pouring all their booze down the drain.  Sure, it gets rid of the temptation, but it doesn’t remove the desire.  

Finding freedom requires digging deep to discover the core emotional triggers that are causing the addiction.  

Eddie Capparucci, in his book, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, writes:

“Cutting off exposure to sexual images and chat are nothing more than a band-aid if we do not get to the root of the addiction. It is an attempt to control the situation by tying his hands and locking him in a box. It does little to change the heart. Worse yet, one day, he will decide to escape from the box, and the results will be ugly.”

Those core emotional triggers are what causes the addiction. Those wounds, that pain, is what we are attempting to self-medicate when we act out through porn and sex.  Those are the issues we haven’t learned to cope with in a healthy manner, and instead, we have learned to cope with them through our addiction.   

This is why porn addiction has nothing to do with sex but has everything to do with being able to process emotional trauma. These deep inner issues are extremely hard to deal with.  That’s why we learned years ago that we could use porn as a salve for that pain.

Until you learn to process negative emotions in a healthy way, you will continue to be stuck. 

Winning this battle requires peeling back the layers and layers of bandaids we have covered up those wounds with and learning how to manage them.  

We have to break those chains that keep us stuck.  

How do we do that? 

We don’t. 

We are slaves to sin, and only Jesus can break those chains.  In fact, He already did.  He set us free.  He gives us the strength to overcome.  Through prayer and meditation, he will help you discover those core emotional triggers that are keeping you stuck in the cycle of addiction

Discipline will never be enough.  Trying harder will never be enough. Jesus is the only one who will ever be enough to break the chains of addiction and set you free.

Do you feel stuck?

Turn to Jesus to break you free.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Winning The Small Battles

There’s an old adage that says, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

The idea is that you can’t build something as great and mighty as ancient Rome quickly.  It takes time, effort, and patience to build something that is strong and lasting.  

Too many men, in their battles with porn and sex addiction, try to build Rome in a day.

They try to go a month without porn when they’ve never even gone a week.  They try to quit “cold turkey” with no plan in place other than “just don’t do it.”

Brothers, this doesn’t work.   

You get too far ahead of yourself.  You can’t win this battle all at once.

Consistently winning the small battles is how you win the larger war.

The key is to build on small victories in your battle. Sure you might have relapsed twice this week.  But you used to look at porn every day.  You may have slipped up, but you’re still winning!  

The shame of porn makes you think you’re losing the battle.  It makes you think, “Well I already screwed this up.  I’ll never stop doing this.” and then you give up. 

But like so much else about porn, it’s a lie.  The truth is you’re finally fighting back.  You’re slowly defeating the enemy one small victory at a time.  

Reframe your thinking to focus on the victories, not the defeats.

Make it two days without porn? That’s a win.

Consistently spend time with God in prayer, meditation, and Bible reading for a week straight? That’s a win.

Recognize a trigger and realize it’s causing an urge to masturbate? That’s a win.

Even if you do relapse and look at porn, if you take the time afterward to retrace your steps and learn what led you down that path, that’s a win.

Sometimes just making it through the day is one piece is a win.

You have to celebrate those small victories and build on them.  Once you get a day, get another.  Once you make it through a week, get another. Then a month.  Use the small victories to build momentum in the greater battle.  

You have been shackled by your addiction for years.  You’re not going to defeat it in a day. 

In your journaling, list out the wins you have accomplished.  Then when the moments come when you’re feeling defeated, you can look at that list of wins and remind yourself you’re still fighting, you’re turning the tide of war. 

You haven’t lost the battle until you’ve surrendered.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Keeping fighting day after day, week after week, month after month.

One day at a time. One battle at a time. One victory at a time. 

You can do this brother.  I believe in you.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You’re on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.