How To Keep The “Fire” Alive In Marriage

Many people wonder, “Where did the “fire” go in my my marriage?” “What happened to the spark?”

Remember the wedding day?

On that day, you’re full of love for her.  You’re burning with passion.  The emotions are high and you could never imagine not loving this person with every fiber of your being.  

Fast forward a few years, add a few kids, the stress of a home, work, bills, and “life” and that energy seems to fade a bit.  

You don’t talk like you used to.  You rarely, if ever, have sex.  You fight regularly, usually over stupid things.  You’re constantly running the kids from place to place.  

You’re not lovers any more, you’re roommates.

Maybe you feel like that “fire” has gone out?  She tends to piss you off more often than she makes you happy anymore.  Are you sure you even still love her anymore? Does she love you?

How do you get that “fire” back in your marriage?  

How do you keep it lit?

My wife and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary in August.  We have more fire now in our marriage than we ever have.  We’re still hot for each other like a couple teenagers.  

But it wasn’t always that way.

My marriage has been through every up and down, good day and bad that you can imagine.  We’ve dealt with the damage of my intense porn addiction, my adultery, mental illness, and eating disorders.  We went through a year-long separation, the beginnings of divorce proceedings, and custody issues.  We’ve faced being on food stamps, getting through college, and working multiple jobs.  All this with two kids.  

Yet, we’re still together, stronger and more passionate than ever.

HOW?

When we said, “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part” we meant it!

We had an extremely tough conversation at one point and decided we were going to make this work no matter what.  We decided we were going to do the work necessary to keep our marriage strong and the “fire” burning hot.

Here are four ways to keep the fire from going out in your marriage:

  1. Have a purpose and a mission outside of each other.

You need a purpose in life.  If you don’t have one, you’re wandering.  You have to have a reason to get out of bed each morning.  

What are you passionate about? What is your mission in life? 

This is the reason you do what you do. The reason you work so hard. God put you on this earth for a purpose.  He has a plan for you.  

But let me give you a warning.  Your purpose and your mission CANNOT be your wife and family.  

Yes, they should be number one in your life after God.  But they themselves cannot be the mission.  Your purpose is something much greater than yourself or your family.  It’s your reason for existing.

When you have a mission, your wife will follow.  She doesn’t want to “wear the pants.”  She wants you to be a leader and lead the family forward.

Lead your family ON the mission, don’t make them the mission.

  1. Stay in great shape

Many couples “let themselves go” after marriage.  They got their partner, so they don’t feel the need to look good for them.  

The pounds start adding up and the energy starts going down.  Apathy sets in and you just don’t care anymore.  You get lazy.

Then after you let your body get lazy, you start getting lazy in other areas.  You start drinking more, which just perpetuates the problem.  You get lazy in hygiene and grooming.  Before you know it, you hardly recognize yourself anymore.

Maybe you say you’re going to get back in shape.  You might even join a gym.  But once it gets difficult or inconvenient, you throw in the towel and go back to your lazy ways.  

Then you wonder why your wife doesn’t seem attracted to you anymore and never wants to have sex.  Would you want to have sex with you?

A man who has mastery over his body can have mastery over anything.  

It’s not just the obvious health benefits of staying in shape and looking good.  It’s about having discipline to do hard work.  It’s about pushing through when things get hard.  It’s about control over your impulses.  

Workout together with your wife.  You WILL bond together when you’re working on yourselves. If she needs to get in shape too, she’ll follow your lead.  You know damn well telling her she needs to get in shape won’t work.  So be the man and set the example for fitness in your home.  

Being physically fit and working on yourselves together will keep excitement in your marriage.

  1. Never Stop Dating

So many couples stop dating after they get married.  Life becomes stale, boring, and predictable.  

There is little to look forward to.  You end up looking most forward to going to sleep at 9:00 on a Friday night.  

To keep the “fire” alive in your marriage, don’t ever get complacent.  Being married doesn’t mean you get to stop being a gentleman and stop wining and dining her.

Stop being a screwball husband.  She doesn’t think your farts are funny.  She doesn’t like the crude jokes or sarcastic humor.  If you wouldn’t do it in front of her while dating, don’t do it now.  

Be a Ricky Ricardo, not a Homer Simpson.  Be a Gomez Adams, not a Ray Romano.

You still need to romance your wife.  Why do you think there was so much passion and fire on your wedding day?  Because she felt beautiful.  She felt loved and desired.  

If you want a wife that’s very feminine and passionate, you must be a husband that’s very masculine and strong.  

She can’t be the woman she wants to be unless you’re the man you should be.  

Never stop dating.  Go out together, often.  Get dressed up every once in a while.  Do new and exciting things.  Be unpredictable.  Have a little mystery to your life.  

Do these things and the fire will stay alive.

  1. SEX.  Lot’s of sex.

Married sex shoud be better and more satisfying than single sex.  If it isn’t, you’re doing marriage wrong.

Sex is an essential part of the marriage covenant.  It is the highest level of intimacy and culmination of everything else in your marriage.  

Show me a sexless marriage, and I’ll show you a failing marriage. 

“But my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me!”

B.S.  She doesn’t want to have sex the current you.  She doesn’t want to have sex with the purposeless, apathetic, out of shape, slob that you’ve become.  

If you take care of the first three points in this article, you won’t have to worry about the fourth.  

If you’re addicted to porn, don’t be surprised your sex life suffers.  You’ll end up preferring to watch porn over having sex with your wife. 

Sexless marriages don’t cause porn addiction.  Porn Addiction causes sexless marriages.

Break free from porn, and watch your sex life blossom.  

Sex is not just good for marriage, it’s a requirement for marriage.  The Bible commands couples to have regular sex. 

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

1 CORINTHIANS 7:5

Husbands and wives are supposed to have regular sex. It is how marriage was designed. Read through the Song of Solomon. Its description of the man and woman’s intimate relationship reads like a kinky romance novel.

Great marriages have great sex.  To keep the fire burning, keep your “loins” burning.. 

Marriages don’t have to become stale over time.  They can grow and mature and become more passionate even after decades together.  

All it takes is putting in the hard work.  Great marriages are kept great by the determination to keep the fire alive no matter how hard things get.  

Love is a decision, not a feeling.

My marriage is proof that marriages can overcome hardship and thrive.  If you follow these simple steps and put in the effort to make your marriage strong, you will keep the “fire” burning. 

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
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  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

When It’s Time To Pull The Plug

It’s time to pull the plug.

Our lives are too constrained by calendars, too controlled by devices, and too hampered by the indoors.  

I recently took two full weeks off of work and headed to the mountains.  There was no cell service, no internet, and no television.  It was just me and my family.  

We were able to spend quality time together, have great conversations, and explore the beauty of God’s nature.  

You need to ask yourself,

Are you living? Or just filling your schedule?

Far too often, I have been guilty of the latter.

I allowed myself to be so consumed by doing that I was never living.  I was running from event to event and meeting to meeting that I wore myself down physically and emotionally.  

I literally had no free time.  I would work all day, work on side projects at night, volunteer every week, and hustle for every dime I could earn.

It burned me out.

In the past, the stress and feeling of being overwhelmed would have pushed me over the edge.  I would have sought out porn and sex as a relief from the pressure.  Instead of dealing with what was causing the problem, I would run to the places of easy, quick relief.  Porn was how I coped with stress.  But it never took away the stress.  In fact, it added to it.  The guilt and the shame would just add additional burdens on my back.

Are you using porn to escape the problems in your life?

I used to.  And far too many men still do.  Instead of dealing with their problems, emotions, and stress, they self-medicate with porn and sex.  But porn is like seawater, it tastes good when you’re dying of thirst, but it’ll actually make you thirstier, all while poisoning you from the inside out.

This is why men must learn to pull the plug.  

No, a good vacation will not cure your porn addiction.  But you do need to find ways to disconnect, recharge, and stay focused.

Pulling the plug will provide countless benefits, but let’s focus on the three main ones that I achieved while I was away.

1. Turn off the devices.

We all spend way too much time on our phones, tablets, computers, and watching TV.  We think we always have to be “connected.”  But by spending so much time connected, we’ve actually become disconnected from life.  

You miss so much of the world going on around you because you’re staring down at your phone.  You miss the beauty of nature when you’re outside.  You miss the sounds of life around you when your ears are filled with noise.  You might even miss that car that stopped in front of you while you’re reading texts.

Man was not meant to spend hours a day staring at a screen.  

Break away from the devices and discover a new freedom.  Every morning, I’ve been going for a run and leaving my phone at home.  I don’t need it.  I can enjoy my time alone without the urge to check my phone everytime it dings.  Any message or phone call can wait a little while until I get back.  The freedom of being unplugged feels amazing.

If you’re struggling with porn, getting off your device is essential.  Smartphones are dangerous.  In my addiction, I would often be scrolling through my phone late at night, an image would trigger me, then before I knew it, I was on a porn site or messaging someone I should not have been messaging.

If you want to defeat porn addiction, you have to defeat device addiction first.

2. Get Outside

Unplugging allowed me to spend time in the great outdoors.  My family and I rented a small log cabin high up in the Appalachian mountains.  We didn’t have a choice whether or not to be on our devices, we had zero service!  

The air was fresh, the weather was gorgeous, and the views were tremendous.  We went on great hikes enjoying the beautiful scenery.  We spent days exploring God’s amazing creation around us.  

The views of the mountains and valleys were breathtaking.  You’ll never find that natural beauty indoors.

When you’re stuck inside, you miss the natural beauty of the world we live in.  This world can be so ugly and depressing.  Getting outside gets you away from all the negativity.

Nature doesn’t care who’s President, if your team is winning, or what is happening on the other side of the world.  Nature just is.  

Getting outside allows you to soak up the vitamin D from the sun.  Sunshine has been shown time and time again to improve mood and reduce stress.  

To truly unplug, you have to unplug yourself from the indoors.  

3. Spend Time With Those You Love

The greatest benefit of pulling the plug is to be able to spend quality, undistracted time with your family.

I was able to create memories with my wife and children that will last a lifetime.  We had conversations we never normally would have had.  We worked together, as a team and as a family to achieve goals.  

My kids are getting older now.  The time has flown by.  I will cherish this time with them forever.

When you come to the end of your life, you won’t care about the money you made or the corporate ladders you climbed.   You’ll care about the time you spent with the people you love.

When you unplug, it forces you to have conversations and build relationships.  You can’t have a deep discussion with the TV on in the background.  Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life took place on a hiking trail, around a campfire, or even on a golf course.

Men need that personal, undivided interaction with their families and especially with other men.  

Time spent with our closest friends and family is never wasted.

Men, myself included, must get better at pulling the plug.  

No, we can’t always run away to the cabin in the mountains when things get busy. (Although I WILL own one someday.)  But we can find ways in our day to day lives to turn off the devices, get outside, and spend time with those we love.

Whether it’s fighting porn addiction, reducing stress, or simply improving the quality of our lives, it’s time to pull the plug.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

Follow The Leader: What Men Need To Be Effective Leaders

Do you want to be a leader?

Most men do.  It’s wired into us.  

Man was born to be a leader.  We are designed to lead our families.  We are expected to lead our churches.  In almost every aspect of life, it is the duty of men to lead.

From the beginning of creation, man has been called upon to lead.

The first man, Adam, was called upon to lead his wife, Eve.  He was placed in charge of all the creatures of the Garden of Eden.  It was also his sin that led to the fall of man, not Eve’s.  He was responsible for her and the decisions of his family.  

The world has seen many great men who were excellent leaders.  From military leaders, to patriarchs, to political leaders, we have seen men rise up and accept the responsibility (and the burden) of being the leader.  

So, what makes a great leader?  What are the attributes of a man who can get others to follow him?

To be a great leader, you must be a great man first. 

I believe the perfect definition of a great man was given by Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States, who said in his great “Strenuous Life” speech, “We do not admire the man of timid peace. We admire the man who embodies victorious effort; the man who never wrongs his neighbor, who is prompt to help a friend, but who has those virile qualities necessary to win in the stern strife of actual life.” 

A great man is a man who is in charge of himself. He is in control of his mind, his body, and his spirit.  He is not controlled by his impulses. 

How can a man lead others if he cannot lead himself?

Great leaders must have the qualities of a great man in order to be deserving of the responsibility of leadership.

In order to be a leader, you must be worthy of being followed.

Many men want to be leaders, but they hold none of the attributes required of a leader.  They expect their wives and children to submit to them, but they aren’t worthy of being submitted to.

Yes, wives should submit to their husbands simply because God ordained man to be the head of the family. But that doesn’t mean the man doesn’t have a responsibility to lead properly and according to the pattern designed in Scripture.

A man who aspires to be a leader, must have the qualities that make other people want to follow him.  He must have a plan.  He must be wise in how he deals with his family.  They must respect him and his judgement.  

If you have to demand respect, you aren’t worthy of respect.  

A man must set the standard for his family.  He must also hold himself to the same standard as he expects others to achieve.  He will set the tone for the financial, physical, spiritual, and educational status of his family. He must lead from ahead instead of push from behind.  

Great leaders are men who people want to follow, not men whom they are forced to follow.

In order for others to follow you, you must be going somewhere.

No one can follow you if you aren’t going anywhere.  To be a leader, you must have direction. You need purpose and a clear plan.  No one will want to follow you if you are taking them in circles.  

Men must have a mission and a purpose.  There must be a clear reason to get out of bed each morning.  And the family themselves can’t be the mission.  They need to be a part of the mission.  

If you don’t have a purpose in life, you’re wandering.  

Those whom you have been placed in leadership over should know what your purpose and mission are.  Many people recommend writing a family mission statement outlining exactly what your family is, what they do and do not do, and where they are striving for.

As a leader, you should have goals. Your family needs to be working together to reach them.  It’s your job as the leader to guide them, coach them, encourage them, and correct them in order to achieve those goals.

A true leader is blazing a trail, and others are following in his path.

It is the duty of man to lead.

It is your responsibility as a man, a husband, and a father to lead your family.

It is your obligation to be a leader in your community, especially your church.

If your wife “wears the pants,” you are not being the leader you should be.

If your family goes to church without you, you are failing as the head of household.

If your children are fat, misbehaving, lazy brats, that’s not their fault, it’s yours.

It starts with YOU.

Many of the problems in the world today can be attributed to a lack of strong male leaders.  The country has suffered, the church has suffered, and families have especially suffered.

It’s time that men rise up to be what they were ordained by God to be, LEADERS.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

Am I Unforgivable?

When you struggle with an addiction to porn and sex, you are often your own worst enemy.

You feel shameful for your actions.  You’re filled with regret.  Then your negative feelings eventually drive you back to the porn that caused them in the first place.  

Around and around you go.

It may feel like you’re unforgivable. It may feel like you’re beyond redemption.  You may think that God couldn’t possibly love a broken man like you.

But He does. In fact, He loved you so much, He gave up his life for you.  By doing so, all those sins are forgiven. 

Even though you may have committed terrible sins, even though your life might be a mess, even though you feel worthless, Jesus loves you and has wiped your slate clean.

This Passage from Psalm 103:8-13 is very comforting:

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful,

    slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.

He will not constantly accuse us,

    nor remain angry forever.

He does not punish us for all our sins;

    he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.

For his unfailing love toward those who fear him

    is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.

He has removed our sins as far from us

    as the east is from the west.

The Lord is like a father to his children,

    tender and compassionate to those who fear him.”

How great is it to know that no matter how bad we have screwed up, we don’t receive the punishment we deserve.  Instead, God has removed our sins “as far from us as the east is from the west”

So if you’re feeling down this week, remember this passage.  Remember the sacrifice Christ made for your mistakes, and find hope in his everlasting forgiveness.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

Shhh!!! Don’t Talk About That!

People do a lot of talking these days.

They talk about politics, religion, sports, the weather, what they’re binge-watching.   People are more than happy to gab your ear off about their opinions and how they think things should be.  They’ll tell you all about their lives but never once ask you about yours.  They will drone on and on about topics they can’t control and generally don’t matter.

People like to talk, but it’s often what they DON’T talk about that needs to be talked about most.  

One thing we don’t talk about enough that must be talked about more is Porn.

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you may think all I do is talk about porn.  And you may be right. But that’s only because the rest of the world refuses to touch the subject.

Porn is often seen as taboo; as something you don’t bring up in normal discourse.  But when 79% of 18-30 year olds regularly watch porn, it’s a topic that needs to be discussed.

The question becomes, why aren’t we talking about Porn?

I believe there are two factors for why porn is not discussed more. 

One side doesn’t want to admit porn is a problem.  

The other side doesn’t want to admit they have the problem.  

The pro-porn crowd doesn’t want you to believe that watching porn is bad.  They make billions off the industry, and they want to keep you hooked.  They push the lies that porn is normal, healthy, victimless, educational, and that everyone does it. 

The sex crazed, decadent culture that we live in wants to sexualize everything.  They want all sexual behavior to be normalized.  They’re trying to sexualize children younger and younger.  Almost every article in every popular magazines has something to do with sex.  Musicians and actors are discussing their sexuality far more than they’re discussing their talent and art.

These people don’t want you to think porn is bad because it destroy’s their hypersexualized agenda.  And sex sells. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have people who don’t talk about porn because they don’t want to admit they struggle with it.

Many communities, especially the church, don’t talk about it enough because they don’t want to admit it’s a problem with them.  They believe they’ll be seen as perverts and broken, weak sinners if they admit they struggle with it.   

These people are ashamed that they struggle with porn and don’t talk about it because they’re scared to admit it.  People will admit to many grave sins long before they’ll admit to being addicted to porn.  It’s too taboo a topic to be discussed.

Both parties are being destroyed by porn and sex addiction but both refuse to talk about it.

Not talking about porn won’t make the problem go away.

There are three major areas where we must begin discussing porn or it will continue to wreak havoc on men.

  1. Parents and Children.

Parents, and especially fathers, must start talking to their kids about porn.  They need to explain the dangers of it, why it’s so addictive, and what they can do to avoid it and quit it if they’re already watching it.  

Father’s aren’t talking to their sons about porn, and their sons are getting addicted at alarming numbers. Maybe it’s because many of the fathers are addicted to porn themselves?

If a father has dealt with it himself, he should be honest and say so.  It’s ok to show vulnerability here.  Say, “Listen son, I’ve been there.  I know what you’re dealing with.  Let me help you.”

It’s not just fathers and sons that need to talk about porn, it’s mothers and daughters too.  Girls are becoming addicted to porn in alarming numbers.  Parent’s need to warn girls of the dangers of watching porn and especially the dangers of sending nudes and sexual images.  Girls today are seeing the dollar signs made on OnlyFans and Instagram and are exposing themselves to the world. 

I’m often asked, “When should I start talking to my kids about porn?”  

I tell people, whatever age you think is appropriate to talk to your kids about porn, start two years before that.

Chances are, your kids have already been exposed.  The conversation cannot begin too soon.  And even if your kids are little, the battle against porn starts long before they even know what sex is.

Talk to your kids about porn.  Like many things, the best time was yesterday, the next best time is today.

  1. The Church

The modern church has done a great disservice to men by not talking more about porn and sex.  

Like many young Christians, all we were taught about sex was “wait until marriage.”  While that’s what should be taught, it can’t end there!  Churches must teach what Biblical sex looks like.   

We must teach that sex is not a bad thing!  God created sex. He meant it to be pleasurable.  Too often, in an effort to encourage abstinence, the church has created the idea that sex is sinful and shameful, when the opposite is true.  

In many churches today, sex is off limits.  It has become the untouchable sin.  Men who struggle with alcoholism have a disease, drug addicts need help, but men who are addicted to porn and sex are just broken perverts.  

The amount of shame surrounding sexual sin in the church has caused immense damage.  Yes, sexual immorality should be condemned, but it is not unforgivable.  

People fear having their sexual sins exposed for fear of being ostracized and shunned.  I believe this is why we hear about so many Christian leaders living double lives.  They would rather admit a million other sins before they admit they struggle with porn and sex.  

If only we’d talk about it, then maybe more men would seek help.  

Christ didn’t condemn the woman caught in adultery in John 8. He forgave her and told her to go and sin no more.  

We must start talking about porn and sex in the church, or it will destroy the church from within.

  1. Society

Some times it seems like the culture we live in only talks about sex.  But in a way, by always talking about it, we never talk about it.  

We’ve become so accustomed to seeing sex everywhere that we are desensitized to it.  In turn, we never actually have conversations about it.  

We must start talking about what a healthy sex life is.  We must start talking about porn and what it’s doing to our society.  We must start talking about the damage this hyper-sexualized culture is causing.  

No longer can we turn a blind eye to porn and just say, “Everyone does it. It must be ok.”

Porn and sexual addiction is destroying marriages, breaking up families, ruining careers, and even in some cases, ending lives. 

Porn is a cancer to society, and unless we start talking about it, it will continue to do damage.

Have the tough conversations.  Bring up the awkward but necessary topic.  Don’t be afraid to discuss porn and sex openly.

Make talking about porn normal.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

How To Use The Power of Visualization To See Your Goals

One of the best tools you can utilize to find success is to visualize your goals.  

Visualization allows you to see in your mind’s eye what you are working toward.  It allows you to see the end of the battle before you get there.  

Take a few minutes today and do this exercise:

I want you to write out two different word pictures.

First, I want you to write out what your life would be like in five years if you continue in your addiction.  Write down what your marriage or relationship would be like if you don’t solve this problem.  Write out where you’d be at emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  What negatives would happen if you continued down the path you’re on?

Second, write the complete opposite.  Write out a word picture of what your life would be like in five years if you defeated your addiction.  What would your marriage be like?  Where you be at spiritually and emotionally?  How much better off would you be financially?  What good things could happen if you decided to take the steps needed to overcome your addiction?

Which one would you rather see come true?

The second one obviously.   We all want to be free from the chains that bind us. We want to live the life we know we can live and the life God has called us to live.

Take these two paragraphs and keep them somewhere you’ll see them often.  Read through them regularly.  When you’re feeling down and think you’ll never overcome this addiction, read through them to remind yourself of what you’re working towards and what the consequences of losing the battle are.  

I was asked to do this exercise several years ago at the outset of my recovery.  I still look at it regularly.  It has kept me focused and diligent in my fight and helped me to recognize what would happen if I were to go back to my old habits.   

If I had kept on the path I was on, my marriage would have ended.  I would have been separated from my children.   My finances would have been in shambles.  I could have lost my career, my livelihood, and friendships.  I would have been miserable, depressed, sad, and still been addicted.  I would have been far away from God and without hope.

But instead, I fought hard for freedom.  My marriage is better than ever.  I’m a present and engaged father. I’m not wasting money on my addiction.  I’m thriving in my career and even growing several side incomes.  I’m physically healthier and stronger.  I’ve built and grown great friendships.  Most importantly, God is a daily part of my life.  He is leading my life, not my addiction.

I encourage you to take a few minutes to complete this exercise.  It puts this whole fight into perspective and allows you to visualize in your mind and on paper what you are battling for.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

What is the Price of Porn?

What is the Price of Porn?

In most cases today, it’s free.  Anyone with an internet connection can log on and find hardcore porn in seconds.  The days of paying for a magazine, renting a movie, or going to an adult theater are long over.  Porn is Free.

Or is it?

Porn has a much higher cost than simply the price to view it.  

Porn addiction, sex addiction, or any other addiction for that matter, will end up costing you much more than money.  

I hear it said all the time, “Watching porn doesn’t hurt anyone, so who cares if I watch it?”  Ask the girl who’s sex trafficked if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Ask the wife and kids of a porn addict if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Ask a man who’s lost everything he loves if it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Porn is not free.  There is a cost.  There is a price every man who falls prey to porn addiction must pay.

Let’s talk about what the true price of porn is.

The Financial Price

Stop and think for a minute.  How much money have you spent on your addiction to porn and sex?  Sure, PornHub may be free, but are you so hooked that you pay for premium or have other subscriptions?  Are you dropping tips on OnlyFans?  Are you on Sugar Daddy sites?  Have you paid for escorts, massage parlors, or strip clubs?  Dinners, hotels, gas, etc. all add up.  

I shudder to think about the amount of money I spent on my addiction.  To be completely honest, I have no idea, and I’m glad I don’t because the amount would be devastating. 

It’s not only the amount you spent on porn, it’s the amount you’ve lost.  What opportunities have you missed out on because you were engulfed in porn? 

I know many men who have lost their jobs because they got caught with porn at work.  Then what?  How are you going to provide for your family without a job?

Porn will destroy your wallet.  Don’t let it.

The Emotional Price

There is also an emotional price for porn.  I say all the time, “Porn addiction isn’t about pleasure. Porn addiction is about pain.” 

You’re using porn to escape from an emotional wound.  You’re not hornier, you don’t have a higher sex drive.  You’re using it as a bandaid to deal with some damage that you’re not able to face or cope with.  Somewhere along the line, usually in our adolescent years, we learned that we could use porn and sex to escape the problems in our lives.  Now we’ve learned to sexualize that pain.  

But porn doesn’t heal the pain.  It only makes it worse.  It promises pleasure, relief, and escape.  And sure, it feels good for a while, but eventually you cycle back to exactly where you were before.  Only now you’re full of shame, regret, and disgust, and the pain is still just as bad as it was before.  

You think porn reduces your stress.  In reality it makes it worse.  It leads to heightened anxiety and depression..  You feel angry that you’re stuck in this cycle.  You feel loneliness because you thought it would provide you the intimacy you’re really looking for, but it was actually just a complete lie.  Porn is a lie.  

The emotional price of porn is high.  It will hurt your heart more than anything else.

The Relationship Price

Porn is a destroyer of relationships. It breaks up marriages, it ends friendships, it isolates men.  

According to Covenant Eyes, a porn blocking software that I highly recommend, Porn use is cited in 56% of divorces.  

My porn addiction nearly ended my marriage, and I know it has ended many others.  It’s a betrayal of trust at best, and at worst, it is cheating on your spouse.  

How is your wife going to feel loved, appreciated, and desired when you’re spending all your nights watching other women online?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Sexless marriages don’t cause porn addiction.  Porn addiction causes sexless marriages.”

But porn doesn’t only destroy marriages, it destroys all types of relationships.  I lost two best friends because they tried to help me with my addiction and I didn’t listen.  I lied to them like I lied to my wife.  Eventually, they gave up on me.  

Porn destroys relationships.  Is that a price you’re willing to pay?

The Time Price

Porn costs time.  Every minute spent on porn is a minute wasted.  What did it get you?  What did that time spent accomplish?  A few seconds of euphoria and pleasure?  Was it worth it? 

Ask any man after they’ve finished watching porn if that time spent was worth it.  Every one will say no.  

Many men spend hours a day watching porn or communicating with women online, or chasing the next hookup or escort.  I’m sure I’ve wasted years of my life on my addiction.  I lost sleep.  I lost time I could have used doing something productive.  I’ve lost time that I will never get back.

The price isn’t just the time spent, it’s the time lost.  I wasted years on my addiction that I could have spent with my family and children.  I lost hours and hours of time I should have spent with them that I spent watching porn or chasing sex.  Their youth is gone and I missed much of it.  You have no idea how much money I would spend to have that time back again.  It breaks my heart to think of the damage I caused by not being a present father and husband.

Porn costs time. A Lot of it.  And you’ll never get it back.  

The Ultimate Price

Porn addiction can get so bad that it ultimately ends up costing you everything.  No, you can’t overdose on porn, but that doesn’t mean it can’t destroy your life.  

Addiction kills.  I recently lost a family member to alcohol addiction.  I can’t begin to tell you how many drug overdoses I have dealt with at my day job as a funeral director.  Addiction, left untreated, will kill you one way or the other.

Sadly, men have felt so trapped by their addiction, that it cost them the ultimate price, their lives.  Suicides related to porn addiction have been on the rise among men.  Suicide rates among former porn actors, male and female, are staggering.  

Many of the men I coach have expressed suicidal thoughts to me.  They feel so trapped and like they’ll never escape, that sometimes the only option seems to end it all.  Others have lost their marriages, families, and careers to their addiction and don’t see the point in going on.

You may think porn is just a bad habit.  I can assure it’s not.  I can cost you everything.

There is a price you pay for porn.  How much are you willing to spend?

Will you let porn cost you thousands of dollars? Will you wreck your emotional and mental state for it?  Will you waste hours and hours of time watching it? Will you demolish every relationship you have?  Will you let porn destroy everything?

Porn is not free.  Porn is not cheap.  The price is high. The cost could be everything that you hold dear.

It is not worth it.  Don’t pay it.  Break free now before it does cost you everything.  

If you’re fighting this battle and need help, I’m here for you.  I work one on one with men every day to help them break free from the chains of porn addiction.  I will help you dig deep to discover the true cause of the addiction and create a plan to fight back and finally find freedom.  Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

You can do this brother.  You don’t have to pay the price.  You can Live Porn Free.

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

Training Your Toddler To Battle Porn

Today we have a guest post from my friend Michael Foster. Michael is a pastor and Managing Director of It’s Good To Be A Man, a ministry to extend God’s house & father-rule, by helping men to establish their own houses in strength, workmanship & wisdom. He is also the father of seven children.  
Follow him on Twitter @thisisfoster or on Facebook at facebook.com/mscottfoster.

The battle against porn starts while your son is still in diapers…

My oldest boy, Hudson, has developed a habit of requesting his dessert before he finishes his meal. This request always meets with a firm denial from me. And so my sweet little boy decides he will not eat at all.

I am careful to inform him that this decision is okay, but that he will not be eating his dessert either until he clears his plate. Often, he will then attempt to persuade me to reconsider my position with an oh-so-polite, “Please, daddy!”

But his manipulation only results in a much sterner reiteration of my earlier declaration. I do add a few qualifiers this time around. I tell him that I want him to enjoy his dessert. Desserts are gifts from God meant for our enjoyment—but they only come after meals, and not before them.

Sometimes my son listens to reason; sometimes he goes to bed with an empty stomach.

But this post is only kind of about desserts. It’s really about something much weightier than a popsicle. My dinner rules are actually a preemptive strike at the ominous threat of pornography, that shackles and pacifies the majority of our young men.

My son’s desire to have a popsicle before finishing his meal shares many similarities with the man lusting for fornication-on-demand—and it’s important to see what these are:

They both share a good gift from God that’s been perverted. There’s nothing wrong with dessert if it’s enjoyed properly. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with sex—it’s an amazing gift from God. He has designed men to long to behold and enjoy the beauty of a woman. But sex outside of a marriage covenant is a perversion of God’s intention. We are not to enjoy dessert before our meal; in the same way, we are not to enjoy sexual activity outside of a marriage covenant. There is an order to life that extends from the dinner table to the marriage bed.

Lust and dessert before a meal share the same trigger or source—an undisciplined appetite. My son lacks the self-discipline to eat rightly. He must learn to control his desires and not let them enslave him. It’s the same with the consumer of pornography. He lacks the self-discipline to wait until he wins a bride—or, if he’s married, until his bride is able to have sex (sometimes a wife and mother needs a night off from being touched). His appetite controls him. He’s a slave to his strong urges. He’s like a toddler demanding his dessert right now.

Both these disorders dilute and ultimately undermine the pleasure that comes from God’s gifts of grace. Dessert loses its sweetness if it’s taken out of the context of a meal. Likewise, pornography reduces “sex” to merely an impersonal orgasm instead of a rapturous celebration of a covenant.

The battle against pornography begins long before high school. 

It begins with not giving in to demands of pre-dinner popsicles, bedtime protests, and ignored curfews. It starts with the loving discipline of your child while he’s still in diapers. There’s a reason Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” Discipline will help spare your son from being enslaved to all sorts of evil—including gluttony, fornication, and mountains of credit card debt. The permissive parent does not love his children. He allows his progeny to drink the slow poison of immediate gratification simply because he’s too busy, or just wants to be a cool parent. Do not be this parent. Spare your children.

Take to heart the exhortation of Hebrews 12:11, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Click HERE To Schedule A One-On-One Coaching Session With Timothy

Stop Believing These 10 Lies About Porn

Lies and deception are everywhere in today’s world.  

We believe many lies about health, politics, religion, love, and more.  Lies are spread to advance an agenda.  Lies are told to keep the truth from being known.  Lies are spread to justify bad behavior.

I can think of few places where more lies are spread than through porn.  

Porn itself is a lie.  The whole goal is to make you, the viewer, imagine that YOU are having sex with that hot girl.  They want you to put yourself in the male models place.  This is why “point of view” porn has become so popular.   But that girl doesn’t even know who you are, let alone want to have sex with you.  Chances are, she doesn’t even want to have sex with the person she is having sex with in the video. 

It’s all a lie.

Not only does porn itself lie to us.  Lies are spread about it.  Over the past 20 years, there has been a major destigmatization of porn in western culture.  Even if people were watching it, it was taboo to admit it or to talk about it.  Now, you’re often looked at funny if you don’t watch it.

Too many men have fallen for the lies of porn.

They’ve got you hook, line, and sinker and they know it.  You’re in so deep now, you don’t even know how to stop.   If more men are going to break free from porn and help the next generation avoid it altogether, we have to stop believing the lies.

Here are 10 lies about porn:

1. Porn Is Normal

Porn is NOT normal.  It’s not natural to watch other people have sex and pleasure yourself to it.  You’re supposed to be actually having sex yourself.  Porn tricks you into thinking you’re having sex.  But you’re just sitting there alone with your dick in your hand.  The dopamine rush you get from it makes you think you’ve sought after, romanced, seduced, and bedded a woman, when all you’ve actually done is click on a screen.  

Porn rewires your brain so much that you can end up preferring to watch porn versus actually having real sex with a woman!  That is NOT normal.  

2. You Need Porn

No one needs porn. It’s not necessary for you to masturbate.  It’s not needed to “spice up” a relationship. You’ve just gotten hooked on the dopamine so much that you’re addicted to it.  You can actually go through withdrawals from not watching porn.  Your brian will literally rewire itself by creating new neural pathways so that when something triggers you, your mind craves porn instantly and isn’t satisfied until it gets it.  This is why quitting porn is so hard.  

But it’s a lie.  You don’t need it.  You’re just addicted to it.  You can break free from it and will be much happier for it

3. Porn Is Healthy

This is one of the most laughable lies about porn.  There is nothing healthy about porn.  There are no health benefits to watching pixels on a screen.  In fact, it’s incredibly unhealthy.  First, from a mental and emotional standpoint, it leads to increased anxiety, depression, feelings of shame and regret.  

It also causes physical problems.  We’re just starting to learn more about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction.  Men are experiencing problems achieving and maintaining an erection when they go to engage in real sex.  And this isn’t just the old dudes in Viagra commercials of yesteryear.  These are YOUNG men.  Men in their teens and twenties.  Look at the ED advertisements these days. They’re marketed towards younger and younger men; men who should be in the prime of their virility.  Yet, they’ve desensitized themselves so much by watching porn, that their brain doens’t even get excited with the prospect of real sex.  

4. Porn Is Victimless

To think that there are no victims of porn is a joke.  We are finally starting to the see the truth come out about the horrors of the porn industry and it’s ties to sex trafficking.  Even many amateur porn videos are posted without the consent of the people depicted, causing women’s lives and reputations to be destroyed.  

The other victims of porn are the people affected by the man who watches it; his wife and family.  I’ve seen this damage firsthand.  Porn addiction destroys marriages, breaks up families, and has even ended careers.  The pain caused by the lies, the deceit, and the betrayal of trust is unmeasurable.

Lastly, the man himself is victimized by porn.  It can lead to incredible emotional damage as well as the physical effects we’ve already discussed.  Men feel trapped, stuck in an endless cycle that they try so hard to get out of, only to fall back into it’s grasp time and time again.  Porn is not victimless.

5. You Deserve It

You are not entitled to watch porn.  You have not “earned” it because you had a rough week.  It’s not a reward. You may think of it as a “treat” to indulge in.  But like many treats, it is terrible for you in the long run.  

Many men think they deserve porn because their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them as much as they want it.  It’s the old, “not tonight, dear” problem.  This is a topic that could be discussed for hours on its own.  But I’ll summarize it in this.  Would you want to have sex with you?  Are you in shape? Are you leading your family?  Are you taking on the masculine role you’re designed for so your wife can embrace her femininity?  Trust me, if you’re in shape, driven, able to still excite your wife, and are leading her and your family the way you should be, you won’t have to worry about a sexless marriage.  

6. Everyone Watches Porn

Porn has become so commonplace among men today everyone just assumes that everyone does it.  And it IS rampant among men.  Studies vary, but show anywhere from 65-85% of men watch porn regularly. Some might say the other percentage are lying.  

While it may seem like everyone does it, that’s no reason to justify it.  In fact, more and more men are realizing the dangers of porn and fighting back to break free.  The #nofap movement has gained huge traction the last couple of years.  You’re even hearing celebrities like Terry Crews, Russell Brand, and even Joe Rogan talk about the dangers of porn.  Men are realizing the damage it has done to their lives, their marriages, their physical and mental health, and they are deciding enough is enough.  

7. Porn Helps You Relax

Many men say they need porn to relax or to go to sleep.  It’s true, many hormones are released upon orgasm which make you feel tired, but porn is not a natural way to get them.  It’s not the porn that’s relaxing you, it’s the flood of those hormones and endorphins.  You get so hooked on them that you feel like you need it to go to sleep.  You’ve tricked your brain into thinking it has to have it to sleep well.   It’s a lie.  There are many ways to naturally activate those endorphins in your brain and many more ways to relax and decompress before bedtime.  

8. Porn Isn’t Really Cheating

This is a conversation I have discussed at length here.  The argument is that porn is not really cheating because you’re not actually having sex with someone else.  While true, it certainly is a betrayal of trust, deceitful behavior, and breaks the bonds of marriage.  It can certainly have the same damaging effect on a marriage than a physical affair can.  I do not, however, feel that porn is equal to the physical act of adultery, but it can be equally as devastating.  If you have to hide it from your wife, if she would be hurt if she found out you do it, if you’re lying to cover your tracks, it’s cheating. 

9. You Need Porn To “Get It Up”

Many men feel like they need porn to get an erection.  We’ve already talked about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction and the damage it can cause.  The problem is that our brain reacts to the dopamine released when we watch porn.  That’s the euphoric feeling you get from it.  Eventually, like any other drug, your brain needs more of it to get the same “high”.  But unlike other drugs, you don’t just take more of it, you need different porn.  Men generally don’t just watch the same video over and over again. They’re always looking for something new, something exciting.  This is how porn addiction can escalate into darker, kinkier, and fetish porn and even escalate into other compulsive sexual behavior.  I’ve written about how porn is a gateway drug. You don’t need it porn to get it up, you’ve just desensitized yourself so much that your brain constantly requires new and exciting images to get the same stimulation.

10. Porn Is How You Learn About Sex

To me, this is one of the most dangerous lies about porn.  Men think that they will learn about sex through porn.  They believe by watching what the men do in porn videos, they’ll learn what women really want and they’ll become a great lover.  “The women in porn seem to LOVE it, of course my partner will.”  

First of all, porn actors are exactly that, Actors.  They’re putting on a show.  Second, this lie has led many young men to believe that what they see in porn is what women want.  They see what actors do and think that all women are begging to be used in that way.  This has led many men to pressure their wives and partners into sex acts that are degrading and humliating.    

We must do a better job of teaching our young men about sex.  If the only thing we teach them about sex is “dont have it,” we’re failing them.  

It’s time we dispelled these lies about porn.  Too many men are falling victim to the lies and become ensnared by porn addiction.  Men, especially young men, must hear the truth about porn.  They must know the facts about the dangers involved and the consequences that can be a result.  

Let’s stop the lies.  

What Are You REALLY Addicted To?

We use the term “Addiction” a lot these days.  In fact, we probably over-use the term.  

In many ways, we’ve degraded the seriousness of addiction by using it to describe things that aren’t really an addiction.  “I’m addicted to chocolate.” I’m addicted to this TV show.”  There’s even the classic, yet cringy, song “Addicted To Love” by Robert Palmer.

This can make real addiction, people who are physically, chemically, or emotionally dependent on a substance or behavior, seem like it’s not all that bad.  It can lessen the seriousness of true addiction.  

True addiction is devastating.  Addiction will destroy everything you love.  Not CAN.   Given time, it WILL.  

Addiction destroys marriages, families, relationships, careers, and far too often, takes someone’s life.

My ministry is helping men who battle Porn and Sex Addiction. I battled through the darkness for over 15 years before finding freedom.  My mission is to help other men fighting the same battle break free from it’s chains.

When I start coaching a man who’s struggling with porn addiction, I always try to the find the answer to this question:

What are you REALLY addicted to?

That may seem obvious.  He’s addicted to porn.  Well, here’s some hard truth for you.

You are not addicted to porn.  You’re addicted to escaping your problems.

You are not chemically addicted to porn.   There is nothing in porn itself that you become dependent on.  Unlike alcohol or drugs, there is nothing that you can ingest to give you a dependency.

Instead, you are addicted to using porn to escape negative emotions in life that you are unable or unwilling to deal with.  

What you actually become chemically addicted to is dopamine.  At orgasm you experience a flood of hormones, primarily dopamine but also a cocktail of other neurotransmitters and endorphins.  That’s the “rush” you’re seeking when you watch porn.  It makes you feel euphoric.  It makes all the problems go away for a time.  It feels good. 

When you feel overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, anxious, or whatever emotion it may be, you can run to porn to escape it.

Porn addiction isn’t dependency.  It’s escapism. Instead of dealing with whatever is the underlying issue in your life, you use porn to cover it up. 

Using porn to deal with pain is like slapping a band-aid over a bullethole. It only covers up the problem and does nothing to heal the wound.

This is why so many men try and try but can never quit watching porn.  They’re not treating the “bullet hole.”  

Porn is not just a bad habit.  It’s not a behavior that you can just train yourself out of.  It stems from years of using the dopamine rush as self-medication to treat the problems in your life instead of dealing with them.

So, you might ask, “If I’m not addicted to porn, but to escapism, how do I break free?”

  1. Dig deep into your heart to discover what it is that you are trying to escape from.

You’re using porn to treat something.  You’re not just hornier than everyone else or have a higher sex drive.  It’s not just because your wife doesn’t want sex as much as you do. 

As I often say, “Porn Addiction is not about sex.  Porn addiction is about PAIN.”

Maybe there was trauma in your life: abuse, divorce, abandonment, rejection, etc.  Maybe you never felt loved.  Maybe you never feel like you’re good enough.  Maybe you’re so scared of rejection that you can’t face anything where there’s a chance you might be turned down.

It can be difficult to discover what that pain, what that wound, is.  That’s why having a coach, pastor, or counselor is so important in fighting addiction.  You might need professional help to do the tough self-reflection in order to find it.

Often, men hide from their weaknesses for so long and use so many “band-aids” to cover them up, it takes a lot of deep work to open up.

I work with many men who don’t think they have any trauma in their life, but after a few weeks of coaching, we discover there certainly is, and they’re using porn to escape it.

Finding the “wound’ you’re using porn to escape from is the first step towards true healing.

  1. Face whatever is you’re escaping from and learn how to process it in a healthy way.

This is honestly the hardest part of addiction recovery.  Figuring out what you’re running away from is one thing, actually learning how to deal with it is another whole battle in itself.

Facing the pain in your life is a double edged sword.  On one side, facing that pain is the only way to find true healing.  But on the other side, facing that pain is what you’ve been so scared to do all this time.  

You’ve used porn to cope for so long, that once you start facing the pain, your first instinct is to run back to the porn to make yourself feel better.  This is why relapse is almost inevitable during recovery.  It takes time to build up the strength and courage to face our inner demons.  Sometimes you’re going to go to battle and lose.  But with time, and a never give up attitude, you’ll eventually win that battle more often than not.  That is where progress is made.

Once you have the courage to face the pain, then the true healing can take place.  You can learn how to process that wound, the “bullet hole” in a healthy way.   You might need to grieve.  You might have to grieve a tangible loss like the death of a loved one.  Or maybe you need to grieve an intangible loss such as the loss of your childhood or innocence due to some type of abuse or neglect.  

You might need to learn to love yourself; to understand that you are worthy of love.  Maybe you need to understand that you have inherent value, and your self worth doesn’t come from having to be “perfect.”

In order to process your inner pain you may need to actually forgive someone for a wrong they did to you.  You may also need to forgive yourself for a wrong you did to them.  

Learning how to process pain in a healthy way instead of escaping to porn will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it’s where true healing occurs.  This work will allow you to break free from not only porn, but your addiction to escaping.

I challenge you to ask yourself that question:

What am I really addicted to?

The sooner you can answer that question, the sooner you can break free from the bonds of addiction and become the man you’re capable of being.

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Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

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