Shhh!!! Don’t Talk About That!

People do a lot of talking these days.

They talk about politics, religion, sports, the weather, what they’re binge-watching.   People are more than happy to gab your ear off about their opinions and how they think things should be.  They’ll tell you all about their lives but never once ask you about yours.  They will drone on and on about topics they can’t control and generally don’t matter.

People like to talk, but it’s often what they DON’T talk about that needs to be talked about most.  

One thing we don’t talk about enough that must be talked about more is Porn.

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you may think all I do is talk about porn.  And you may be right. But that’s only because the rest of the world refuses to touch the subject.

Porn is often seen as taboo; as something you don’t bring up in normal discourse.  But when 79% of 18-30 year olds regularly watch porn, it’s a topic that needs to be discussed.

The question becomes, why aren’t we talking about Porn?

I believe there are two factors for why porn is not discussed more. 

One side doesn’t want to admit porn is a problem.  

The other side doesn’t want to admit they have the problem.  

The pro-porn crowd doesn’t want you to believe that watching porn is bad.  They make billions off the industry, and they want to keep you hooked.  They push the lies that porn is normal, healthy, victimless, educational, and that everyone does it. 

The sex crazed, decadent culture that we live in wants to sexualize everything.  They want all sexual behavior to be normalized.  They’re trying to sexualize children younger and younger.  Almost every article in every popular magazines has something to do with sex.  Musicians and actors are discussing their sexuality far more than they’re discussing their talent and art.

These people don’t want you to think porn is bad because it destroy’s their hypersexualized agenda.  And sex sells. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have people who don’t talk about porn because they don’t want to admit they struggle with it.

Many communities, especially the church, don’t talk about it enough because they don’t want to admit it’s a problem with them.  They believe they’ll be seen as perverts and broken, weak sinners if they admit they struggle with it.   

These people are ashamed that they struggle with porn and don’t talk about it because they’re scared to admit it.  People will admit to many grave sins long before they’ll admit to being addicted to porn.  It’s too taboo a topic to be discussed.

Both parties are being destroyed by porn and sex addiction but both refuse to talk about it.

Not talking about porn won’t make the problem go away.

There are three major areas where we must begin discussing porn or it will continue to wreak havoc on men.

  1. Parents and Children.

Parents, and especially fathers, must start talking to their kids about porn.  They need to explain the dangers of it, why it’s so addictive, and what they can do to avoid it and quit it if they’re already watching it.  

Father’s aren’t talking to their sons about porn, and their sons are getting addicted at alarming numbers. Maybe it’s because many of the fathers are addicted to porn themselves?

If a father has dealt with it himself, he should be honest and say so.  It’s ok to show vulnerability here.  Say, “Listen son, I’ve been there.  I know what you’re dealing with.  Let me help you.”

It’s not just fathers and sons that need to talk about porn, it’s mothers and daughters too.  Girls are becoming addicted to porn in alarming numbers.  Parent’s need to warn girls of the dangers of watching porn and especially the dangers of sending nudes and sexual images.  Girls today are seeing the dollar signs made on OnlyFans and Instagram and are exposing themselves to the world. 

I’m often asked, “When should I start talking to my kids about porn?”  

I tell people, whatever age you think is appropriate to talk to your kids about porn, start two years before that.

Chances are, your kids have already been exposed.  The conversation cannot begin too soon.  And even if your kids are little, the battle against porn starts long before they even know what sex is.

Talk to your kids about porn.  Like many things, the best time was yesterday, the next best time is today.

  1. The Church

The modern church has done a great disservice to men by not talking more about porn and sex.  

Like many young Christians, all we were taught about sex was “wait until marriage.”  While that’s what should be taught, it can’t end there!  Churches must teach what Biblical sex looks like.   

We must teach that sex is not a bad thing!  God created sex. He meant it to be pleasurable.  Too often, in an effort to encourage abstinence, the church has created the idea that sex is sinful and shameful, when the opposite is true.  

In many churches today, sex is off limits.  It has become the untouchable sin.  Men who struggle with alcoholism have a disease, drug addicts need help, but men who are addicted to porn and sex are just broken perverts.  

The amount of shame surrounding sexual sin in the church has caused immense damage.  Yes, sexual immorality should be condemned, but it is not unforgivable.  

People fear having their sexual sins exposed for fear of being ostracized and shunned.  I believe this is why we hear about so many Christian leaders living double lives.  They would rather admit a million other sins before they admit they struggle with porn and sex.  

If only we’d talk about it, then maybe more men would seek help.  

Christ didn’t condemn the woman caught in adultery in John 8. He forgave her and told her to go and sin no more.  

We must start talking about porn and sex in the church, or it will destroy the church from within.

  1. Society

Some times it seems like the culture we live in only talks about sex.  But in a way, by always talking about it, we never talk about it.  

We’ve become so accustomed to seeing sex everywhere that we are desensitized to it.  In turn, we never actually have conversations about it.  

We must start talking about what a healthy sex life is.  We must start talking about porn and what it’s doing to our society.  We must start talking about the damage this hyper-sexualized culture is causing.  

No longer can we turn a blind eye to porn and just say, “Everyone does it. It must be ok.”

Porn and sexual addiction is destroying marriages, breaking up families, ruining careers, and even in some cases, ending lives. 

Porn is a cancer to society, and unless we start talking about it, it will continue to do damage.

Have the tough conversations.  Bring up the awkward but necessary topic.  Don’t be afraid to discuss porn and sex openly.

Make talking about porn normal.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

How To Use The Power of Visualization To See Your Goals

One of the best tools you can utilize to find success is to visualize your goals.  

Visualization allows you to see in your mind’s eye what you are working toward.  It allows you to see the end of the battle before you get there.  

Take a few minutes today and do this exercise:

I want you to write out two different word pictures.

First, I want you to write out what your life would be like in five years if you continue in your addiction.  Write down what your marriage or relationship would be like if you don’t solve this problem.  Write out where you’d be at emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  What negatives would happen if you continued down the path you’re on?

Second, write the complete opposite.  Write out a word picture of what your life would be like in five years if you defeated your addiction.  What would your marriage be like?  Where you be at spiritually and emotionally?  How much better off would you be financially?  What good things could happen if you decided to take the steps needed to overcome your addiction?

Which one would you rather see come true?

The second one obviously.   We all want to be free from the chains that bind us. We want to live the life we know we can live and the life God has called us to live.

Take these two paragraphs and keep them somewhere you’ll see them often.  Read through them regularly.  When you’re feeling down and think you’ll never overcome this addiction, read through them to remind yourself of what you’re working towards and what the consequences of losing the battle are.  

I was asked to do this exercise several years ago at the outset of my recovery.  I still look at it regularly.  It has kept me focused and diligent in my fight and helped me to recognize what would happen if I were to go back to my old habits.   

If I had kept on the path I was on, my marriage would have ended.  I would have been separated from my children.   My finances would have been in shambles.  I could have lost my career, my livelihood, and friendships.  I would have been miserable, depressed, sad, and still been addicted.  I would have been far away from God and without hope.

But instead, I fought hard for freedom.  My marriage is better than ever.  I’m a present and engaged father. I’m not wasting money on my addiction.  I’m thriving in my career and even growing several side incomes.  I’m physically healthier and stronger.  I’ve built and grown great friendships.  Most importantly, God is a daily part of my life.  He is leading my life, not my addiction.

I encourage you to take a few minutes to complete this exercise.  It puts this whole fight into perspective and allows you to visualize in your mind and on paper what you are battling for.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

What is the Price of Porn?

What is the Price of Porn?

In most cases today, it’s free.  Anyone with an internet connection can log on and find hardcore porn in seconds.  The days of paying for a magazine, renting a movie, or going to an adult theater are long over.  Porn is Free.

Or is it?

Porn has a much higher cost than simply the price to view it.  

Porn addiction, sex addiction, or any other addiction for that matter, will end up costing you much more than money.  

I hear it said all the time, “Watching porn doesn’t hurt anyone, so who cares if I watch it?”  Ask the girl who’s sex trafficked if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Ask the wife and kids of a porn addict if it doesn’t hurt anyone. Ask a man who’s lost everything he loves if it doesn’t hurt anyone.

Porn is not free.  There is a cost.  There is a price every man who falls prey to porn addiction must pay.

Let’s talk about what the true price of porn is.

The Financial Price

Stop and think for a minute.  How much money have you spent on your addiction to porn and sex?  Sure, PornHub may be free, but are you so hooked that you pay for premium or have other subscriptions?  Are you dropping tips on OnlyFans?  Are you on Sugar Daddy sites?  Have you paid for escorts, massage parlors, or strip clubs?  Dinners, hotels, gas, etc. all add up.  

I shudder to think about the amount of money I spent on my addiction.  To be completely honest, I have no idea, and I’m glad I don’t because the amount would be devastating. 

It’s not only the amount you spent on porn, it’s the amount you’ve lost.  What opportunities have you missed out on because you were engulfed in porn? 

I know many men who have lost their jobs because they got caught with porn at work.  Then what?  How are you going to provide for your family without a job?

Porn will destroy your wallet.  Don’t let it.

The Emotional Price

There is also an emotional price for porn.  I say all the time, “Porn addiction isn’t about pleasure. Porn addiction is about pain.” 

You’re using porn to escape from an emotional wound.  You’re not hornier, you don’t have a higher sex drive.  You’re using it as a bandaid to deal with some damage that you’re not able to face or cope with.  Somewhere along the line, usually in our adolescent years, we learned that we could use porn and sex to escape the problems in our lives.  Now we’ve learned to sexualize that pain.  

But porn doesn’t heal the pain.  It only makes it worse.  It promises pleasure, relief, and escape.  And sure, it feels good for a while, but eventually you cycle back to exactly where you were before.  Only now you’re full of shame, regret, and disgust, and the pain is still just as bad as it was before.  

You think porn reduces your stress.  In reality it makes it worse.  It leads to heightened anxiety and depression..  You feel angry that you’re stuck in this cycle.  You feel loneliness because you thought it would provide you the intimacy you’re really looking for, but it was actually just a complete lie.  Porn is a lie.  

The emotional price of porn is high.  It will hurt your heart more than anything else.

The Relationship Price

Porn is a destroyer of relationships. It breaks up marriages, it ends friendships, it isolates men.  

According to Covenant Eyes, a porn blocking software that I highly recommend, Porn use is cited in 56% of divorces.  

My porn addiction nearly ended my marriage, and I know it has ended many others.  It’s a betrayal of trust at best, and at worst, it is cheating on your spouse.  

How is your wife going to feel loved, appreciated, and desired when you’re spending all your nights watching other women online?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Sexless marriages don’t cause porn addiction.  Porn addiction causes sexless marriages.”

But porn doesn’t only destroy marriages, it destroys all types of relationships.  I lost two best friends because they tried to help me with my addiction and I didn’t listen.  I lied to them like I lied to my wife.  Eventually, they gave up on me.  

Porn destroys relationships.  Is that a price you’re willing to pay?

The Time Price

Porn costs time.  Every minute spent on porn is a minute wasted.  What did it get you?  What did that time spent accomplish?  A few seconds of euphoria and pleasure?  Was it worth it? 

Ask any man after they’ve finished watching porn if that time spent was worth it.  Every one will say no.  

Many men spend hours a day watching porn or communicating with women online, or chasing the next hookup or escort.  I’m sure I’ve wasted years of my life on my addiction.  I lost sleep.  I lost time I could have used doing something productive.  I’ve lost time that I will never get back.

The price isn’t just the time spent, it’s the time lost.  I wasted years on my addiction that I could have spent with my family and children.  I lost hours and hours of time I should have spent with them that I spent watching porn or chasing sex.  Their youth is gone and I missed much of it.  You have no idea how much money I would spend to have that time back again.  It breaks my heart to think of the damage I caused by not being a present father and husband.

Porn costs time. A Lot of it.  And you’ll never get it back.  

The Ultimate Price

Porn addiction can get so bad that it ultimately ends up costing you everything.  No, you can’t overdose on porn, but that doesn’t mean it can’t destroy your life.  

Addiction kills.  I recently lost a family member to alcohol addiction.  I can’t begin to tell you how many drug overdoses I have dealt with at my day job as a funeral director.  Addiction, left untreated, will kill you one way or the other.

Sadly, men have felt so trapped by their addiction, that it cost them the ultimate price, their lives.  Suicides related to porn addiction have been on the rise among men.  Suicide rates among former porn actors, male and female, are staggering.  

Many of the men I coach have expressed suicidal thoughts to me.  They feel so trapped and like they’ll never escape, that sometimes the only option seems to end it all.  Others have lost their marriages, families, and careers to their addiction and don’t see the point in going on.

You may think porn is just a bad habit.  I can assure it’s not.  I can cost you everything.

There is a price you pay for porn.  How much are you willing to spend?

Will you let porn cost you thousands of dollars? Will you wreck your emotional and mental state for it?  Will you waste hours and hours of time watching it? Will you demolish every relationship you have?  Will you let porn destroy everything?

Porn is not free.  Porn is not cheap.  The price is high. The cost could be everything that you hold dear.

It is not worth it.  Don’t pay it.  Break free now before it does cost you everything.  

If you’re fighting this battle and need help, I’m here for you.  I work one on one with men every day to help them break free from the chains of porn addiction.  I will help you dig deep to discover the true cause of the addiction and create a plan to fight back and finally find freedom.  Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

You can do this brother.  You don’t have to pay the price.  You can Live Porn Free.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Training Your Toddler To Battle Porn

Today we have a guest post from my friend Michael Foster. Michael is a pastor and Managing Director of It’s Good To Be A Man, a ministry to extend God’s house & father-rule, by helping men to establish their own houses in strength, workmanship & wisdomHe is also the father of seven children.  
Follow him on Twitter @thisisfoster or on Facebook at facebook.com/mscottfoster.

The battle against porn starts while your son is still in diapers…

My oldest boy, Hudson, has developed a habit of requesting his dessert before he finishes his meal. This request always meets with a firm denial from me. And so my sweet little boy decides he will not eat at all.

I am careful to inform him that this decision is okay, but that he will not be eating his dessert either until he clears his plate. Often, he will then attempt to persuade me to reconsider my position with an oh-so-polite, “Please, daddy!”

But his manipulation only results in a much sterner reiteration of my earlier declaration. I do add a few qualifiers this time around. I tell him that I want him to enjoy his dessert. Desserts are gifts from God meant for our enjoyment—but they only come after meals, and not before them.

Sometimes my son listens to reason; sometimes he goes to bed with an empty stomach.

But this post is only kind of about desserts. It’s really about something much weightier than a popsicle. My dinner rules are actually a preemptive strike at the ominous threat of pornography, that shackles and pacifies the majority of our young men.

My son’s desire to have a popsicle before finishing his meal shares many similarities with the man lusting for fornication-on-demand—and it’s important to see what these are:

They both share a good gift from God that’s been perverted. There’s nothing wrong with dessert if it’s enjoyed properly. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with sex—it’s an amazing gift from God. He has designed men to long to behold and enjoy the beauty of a woman. But sex outside of a marriage covenant is a perversion of God’s intention. We are not to enjoy dessert before our meal; in the same way, we are not to enjoy sexual activity outside of a marriage covenant. There is an order to life that extends from the dinner table to the marriage bed.

Lust and dessert before a meal share the same trigger or source—an undisciplined appetite. My son lacks the self-discipline to eat rightly. He must learn to control his desires and not let them enslave him. It’s the same with the consumer of pornography. He lacks the self-discipline to wait until he wins a bride—or, if he’s married, until his bride is able to have sex (sometimes a wife and mother needs a night off from being touched). His appetite controls him. He’s a slave to his strong urges. He’s like a toddler demanding his dessert right now.

Both these disorders dilute and ultimately undermine the pleasure that comes from God’s gifts of grace. Dessert loses its sweetness if it’s taken out of the context of a meal. Likewise, pornography reduces “sex” to merely an impersonal orgasm instead of a rapturous celebration of a covenant.

The battle against pornography begins long before high school. 

It begins with not giving in to demands of pre-dinner popsicles, bedtime protests, and ignored curfews. It starts with the loving discipline of your child while he’s still in diapers. There’s a reason Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” Discipline will help spare your son from being enslaved to all sorts of evil—including gluttony, fornication, and mountains of credit card debt. The permissive parent does not love his children. He allows his progeny to drink the slow poison of immediate gratification simply because he’s too busy, or just wants to be a cool parent. Do not be this parent. Spare your children.

Take to heart the exhortation of Hebrews 12:11, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Stop Believing These 10 Lies About Porn

Lies and deception are everywhere in today’s world.  

We believe many lies about health, politics, religion, love, and more.  Lies are spread to advance an agenda.  Lies are told to keep the truth from being known.  Lies are spread to justify bad behavior.

I can think of few places where more lies are spread than through porn.  

Porn itself is a lie.  The whole goal is to make you, the viewer, imagine that YOU are having sex with that hot girl.  They want you to put yourself in the male models place.  This is why “point of view” porn has become so popular.   But that girl doesn’t even know who you are, let alone want to have sex with you.  Chances are, she doesn’t even want to have sex with the person she is having sex with in the video. 

It’s all a lie.

Not only does porn itself lie to us.  Lies are spread about it.  Over the past 20 years, there has been a major destigmatization of porn in western culture.  Even if people were watching it, it was taboo to admit it or to talk about it.  Now, you’re often looked at funny if you don’t watch it.

Too many men have fallen for the lies of porn.

They’ve got you hook, line, and sinker and they know it.  You’re in so deep now, you don’t even know how to stop.   If more men are going to break free from porn and help the next generation avoid it altogether, we have to stop believing the lies.

Here are 10 lies about porn:

1. Porn Is Normal

Porn is NOT normal.  It’s not natural to watch other people have sex and pleasure yourself to it.  You’re supposed to be actually having sex yourself.  Porn tricks you into thinking you’re having sex.  But you’re just sitting there alone with your dick in your hand.  The dopamine rush you get from it makes you think you’ve sought after, romanced, seduced, and bedded a woman, when all you’ve actually done is click on a screen.  

Porn rewires your brain so much that you can end up preferring to watch porn versus actually having real sex with a woman!  That is NOT normal.  

2. You Need Porn

No one needs porn. It’s not necessary for you to masturbate.  It’s not needed to “spice up” a relationship. You’ve just gotten hooked on the dopamine so much that you’re addicted to it.  You can actually go through withdrawals from not watching porn.  Your brian will literally rewire itself by creating new neural pathways so that when something triggers you, your mind craves porn instantly and isn’t satisfied until it gets it.  This is why quitting porn is so hard.  

But it’s a lie.  You don’t need it.  You’re just addicted to it.  You can break free from it and will be much happier for it

3. Porn Is Healthy

This is one of the most laughable lies about porn.  There is nothing healthy about porn.  There are no health benefits to watching pixels on a screen.  In fact, it’s incredibly unhealthy.  First, from a mental and emotional standpoint, it leads to increased anxiety, depression, feelings of shame and regret.  

It also causes physical problems.  We’re just starting to learn more about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction.  Men are experiencing problems achieving and maintaining an erection when they go to engage in real sex.  And this isn’t just the old dudes in Viagra commercials of yesteryear.  These are YOUNG men.  Men in their teens and twenties.  Look at the ED advertisements these days. They’re marketed towards younger and younger men; men who should be in the prime of their virility.  Yet, they’ve desensitized themselves so much by watching porn, that their brain doens’t even get excited with the prospect of real sex.  

4. Porn Is Victimless

To think that there are no victims of porn is a joke.  We are finally starting to the see the truth come out about the horrors of the porn industry and it’s ties to sex trafficking.  Even many amateur porn videos are posted without the consent of the people depicted, causing women’s lives and reputations to be destroyed.  

The other victims of porn are the people affected by the man who watches it; his wife and family.  I’ve seen this damage firsthand.  Porn addiction destroys marriages, breaks up families, and has even ended careers.  The pain caused by the lies, the deceit, and the betrayal of trust is unmeasurable.

Lastly, the man himself is victimized by porn.  It can lead to incredible emotional damage as well as the physical effects we’ve already discussed.  Men feel trapped, stuck in an endless cycle that they try so hard to get out of, only to fall back into it’s grasp time and time again.  Porn is not victimless.

5. You Deserve It

You are not entitled to watch porn.  You have not “earned” it because you had a rough week.  It’s not a reward. You may think of it as a “treat” to indulge in.  But like many treats, it is terrible for you in the long run.  

Many men think they deserve porn because their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them as much as they want it.  It’s the old, “not tonight, dear” problem.  This is a topic that could be discussed for hours on its own.  But I’ll summarize it in this.  Would you want to have sex with you?  Are you in shape? Are you leading your family?  Are you taking on the masculine role you’re designed for so your wife can embrace her femininity?  Trust me, if you’re in shape, driven, able to still excite your wife, and are leading her and your family the way you should be, you won’t have to worry about a sexless marriage.  

6. Everyone Watches Porn

Porn has become so commonplace among men today everyone just assumes that everyone does it.  And it IS rampant among men.  Studies vary, but show anywhere from 65-85% of men watch porn regularly. Some might say the other percentage are lying.  

While it may seem like everyone does it, that’s no reason to justify it.  In fact, more and more men are realizing the dangers of porn and fighting back to break free.  The #nofap movement has gained huge traction the last couple of years.  You’re even hearing celebrities like Terry Crews, Russell Brand, and even Joe Rogan talk about the dangers of porn.  Men are realizing the damage it has done to their lives, their marriages, their physical and mental health, and they are deciding enough is enough.  

7. Porn Helps You Relax

Many men say they need porn to relax or to go to sleep.  It’s true, many hormones are released upon orgasm which make you feel tired, but porn is not a natural way to get them.  It’s not the porn that’s relaxing you, it’s the flood of those hormones and endorphins.  You get so hooked on them that you feel like you need it to go to sleep.  You’ve tricked your brain into thinking it has to have it to sleep well.   It’s a lie.  There are many ways to naturally activate those endorphins in your brain and many more ways to relax and decompress before bedtime.  

8. Porn Isn’t Really Cheating

This is a conversation I have discussed at length here.  The argument is that porn is not really cheating because you’re not actually having sex with someone else.  While true, it certainly is a betrayal of trust, deceitful behavior, and breaks the bonds of marriage.  It can certainly have the same damaging effect on a marriage than a physical affair can.  I do not, however, feel that porn is equal to the physical act of adultery, but it can be equally as devastating.  If you have to hide it from your wife, if she would be hurt if she found out you do it, if you’re lying to cover your tracks, it’s cheating. 

9. You Need Porn To “Get It Up”

Many men feel like they need porn to get an erection.  We’ve already talked about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction and the damage it can cause.  The problem is that our brain reacts to the dopamine released when we watch porn.  That’s the euphoric feeling you get from it.  Eventually, like any other drug, your brain needs more of it to get the same “high”.  But unlike other drugs, you don’t just take more of it, you need different porn.  Men generally don’t just watch the same video over and over again. They’re always looking for something new, something exciting.  This is how porn addiction can escalate into darker, kinkier, and fetish porn and even escalate into other compulsive sexual behavior.  I’ve written about how porn is a gateway drug. You don’t need it porn to get it up, you’ve just desensitized yourself so much that your brain constantly requires new and exciting images to get the same stimulation.

10. Porn Is How You Learn About Sex

To me, this is one of the most dangerous lies about porn.  Men think that they will learn about sex through porn.  They believe by watching what the men do in porn videos, they’ll learn what women really want and they’ll become a great lover.  “The women in porn seem to LOVE it, of course my partner will.”  

First of all, porn actors are exactly that, Actors.  They’re putting on a show.  Second, this lie has led many young men to believe that what they see in porn is what women want.  They see what actors do and think that all women are begging to be used in that way.  This has led many men to pressure their wives and partners into sex acts that are degrading and humliating.    

We must do a better job of teaching our young men about sex.  If the only thing we teach them about sex is “dont have it,” we’re failing them.  

It’s time we dispelled these lies about porn.  Too many men are falling victim to the lies and become ensnared by porn addiction.  Men, especially young men, must hear the truth about porn.  They must know the facts about the dangers involved and the consequences that can be a result.  

Let’s stop the lies.  

What Are You REALLY Addicted To?

We use the term “Addiction” a lot these days.  In fact, we probably over-use the term.  

In many ways, we’ve degraded the seriousness of addiction by using it to describe things that aren’t really an addiction.  “I’m addicted to chocolate.” I’m addicted to this TV show.”  There’s even the classic, yet cringy, song “Addicted To Love” by Robert Palmer.

This can make real addiction, people who are physically, chemically, or emotionally dependent on a substance or behavior, seem like it’s not all that bad.  It can lessen the seriousness of true addiction.  

True addiction is devastating.  Addiction will destroy everything you love.  Not CAN.   Given time, it WILL.  

Addiction destroys marriages, families, relationships, careers, and far too often, takes someone’s life.

My ministry is helping men who battle Porn and Sex Addiction. I battled through the darkness for over 15 years before finding freedom.  My mission is to help other men fighting the same battle break free from it’s chains.

When I start coaching a man who’s struggling with porn addiction, I always try to the find the answer to this question:

What are you REALLY addicted to?

That may seem obvious.  He’s addicted to porn.  Well, here’s some hard truth for you.

You are not addicted to porn.  You’re addicted to escaping your problems.

You are not chemically addicted to porn.   There is nothing in porn itself that you become dependent on.  Unlike alcohol or drugs, there is nothing that you can ingest to give you a dependency.

Instead, you are addicted to using porn to escape negative emotions in life that you are unable or unwilling to deal with.  

What you actually become chemically addicted to is dopamine.  At orgasm you experience a flood of hormones, primarily dopamine but also a cocktail of other neurotransmitters and endorphins.  That’s the “rush” you’re seeking when you watch porn.  It makes you feel euphoric.  It makes all the problems go away for a time.  It feels good. 

When you feel overwhelmed, stressed, depressed, anxious, or whatever emotion it may be, you can run to porn to escape it.

Porn addiction isn’t dependency.  It’s escapism. Instead of dealing with whatever is the underlying issue in your life, you use porn to cover it up. 

Using porn to deal with pain is like slapping a band-aid over a bullethole. It only covers up the problem and does nothing to heal the wound.

This is why so many men try and try but can never quit watching porn.  They’re not treating the “bullet hole.”  

Porn is not just a bad habit.  It’s not a behavior that you can just train yourself out of.  It stems from years of using the dopamine rush as self-medication to treat the problems in your life instead of dealing with them.

So, you might ask, “If I’m not addicted to porn, but to escapism, how do I break free?”

  1. Dig deep into your heart to discover what it is that you are trying to escape from.

You’re using porn to treat something.  You’re not just hornier than everyone else or have a higher sex drive.  It’s not just because your wife doesn’t want sex as much as you do. 

As I often say, “Porn Addiction is not about sex.  Porn addiction is about PAIN.”

Maybe there was trauma in your life: abuse, divorce, abandonment, rejection, etc.  Maybe you never felt loved.  Maybe you never feel like you’re good enough.  Maybe you’re so scared of rejection that you can’t face anything where there’s a chance you might be turned down.

It can be difficult to discover what that pain, what that wound, is.  That’s why having a coach, pastor, or counselor is so important in fighting addiction.  You might need professional help to do the tough self-reflection in order to find it.

Often, men hide from their weaknesses for so long and use so many “band-aids” to cover them up, it takes a lot of deep work to open up.

I work with many men who don’t think they have any trauma in their life, but after a few weeks of coaching, we discover there certainly is, and they’re using porn to escape it.

Finding the “wound’ you’re using porn to escape from is the first step towards true healing.

  1. Face whatever is you’re escaping from and learn how to process it in a healthy way.

This is honestly the hardest part of addiction recovery.  Figuring out what you’re running away from is one thing, actually learning how to deal with it is another whole battle in itself.

Facing the pain in your life is a double edged sword.  On one side, facing that pain is the only way to find true healing.  But on the other side, facing that pain is what you’ve been so scared to do all this time.  

You’ve used porn to cope for so long, that once you start facing the pain, your first instinct is to run back to the porn to make yourself feel better.  This is why relapse is almost inevitable during recovery.  It takes time to build up the strength and courage to face our inner demons.  Sometimes you’re going to go to battle and lose.  But with time, and a never give up attitude, you’ll eventually win that battle more often than not.  That is where progress is made.

Once you have the courage to face the pain, then the true healing can take place.  You can learn how to process that wound, the “bullet hole” in a healthy way.   You might need to grieve.  You might have to grieve a tangible loss like the death of a loved one.  Or maybe you need to grieve an intangible loss such as the loss of your childhood or innocence due to some type of abuse or neglect.  

You might need to learn to love yourself; to understand that you are worthy of love.  Maybe you need to understand that you have inherent value, and your self worth doesn’t come from having to be “perfect.”

In order to process your inner pain you may need to actually forgive someone for a wrong they did to you.  You may also need to forgive yourself for a wrong you did to them.  

Learning how to process pain in a healthy way instead of escaping to porn will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but it’s where true healing occurs.  This work will allow you to break free from not only porn, but your addiction to escaping.

I challenge you to ask yourself that question:

What am I really addicted to?

The sooner you can answer that question, the sooner you can break free from the bonds of addiction and become the man you’re capable of being.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Who Is Your Nathan?

Who Is Your Nathan?

Many of us are familiar with the story of King David and Bathsheba.  

In the account described in the Bible, King David saw Bathsheba bathing on a roof and was immediately filled with intense lust for her.  He committed adultery with her knowing that she was married.  When she became pregnant, he tried to get her husband to come home to cover it up. When that scheme failed, he murdered her husband so he could have her to himself.

It’s a story of lust gone wrong in so many ways. It’s a familiar process for many men who have been shackled with sexual addiction.  It starts with simple lust, then we act on the lust, then we have to cover our tracks, then we commit worse sins in the process until we’re in way over our heads.  

Once that happens, we can’t make it out alone.  We need guidance, we need a brother to come and speak some hard truth to us and encourage us to break free.

That’s where Nathan comes in.

Many people aren’t as familiar with what happened after David’s adultery.  In 2nd Samuel chapter 12, the prophet Nathan came to David and using a story about a poor man’s lamb, manages to get the King to realize how badly he has messed up.  Rebuking the king in that way was of great risk, but David needed a friend to show him his errors. His ego wouldn’t allow him to see it himself. 

We all need a Nathan.

I would never have recovered from my sinful past if I didn’t have friends who came and slapped some sense into me. They took me to task for my mistakes and made sure I realized where I had gone wrong. As men, if we don’t have someone looking out for us, our own selfish desires and arrogance can take us down some very dark paths.

If you’re going to overcome pornography or sexual addiction, you must have a support system in place.  You cannot fight this battle alone.  You need other men who will come alongside you, support you, encourage you, and keep you accountable.

Having a brother like Nathan as a support system provides intimacy.  Most men today don’t have the slightest clue what true intimacy is. We only know the false intimacy of porn and sex. You must have someone you can trust completely and be 100% open and honest with.  He should know every deep, dark secret in your life, and there should be nothing to lose by opening up to him.  You need to be able to confide in him.  Every man needs a close friend, a brother, he can open up to, cry with, laugh with, mourn with, and celebrate with.  You need intimacy.

Second, your Nathan will provide you encouragement.  He should push you to be better and pick you up when you’re feeling down.  When you get knocked down, or you fail in your battle with addiction, he’ll come over and help you up, tell you to rub the dirt off your pants and get back in the game. He shouldn’t allow you to become complacent.  He’ll constantly be pushing you to get to the next level.  If you can make it a week without porn, he’ll push you to make two. Alone, men can get discouraged.  You need a Nathan to be your cheerleader, pushing you to be better.

Lastly, your Nathan will provide accountability.  A good brother can see through the B.S. you tell yourself and try to tell others.  You need someone who will tell us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear.  You need someone with the courage to call you out if you are going down the wrong path.  David thought he was completely justified in his sexual desire for Bathsheba.  It took Nathan’s rebuke to get him to understand the error of his ways.  Your Nathan will check up on you. He’ll make sure you’re not lying to yourself and others.  If he sees you starting to stray away, he’ll pull you back into line.  You need a Nathan to be your accountability partner.

Who can be your Nathan?

Any close friend who has your best interests at heart can be your support system.  But, it must be a man. Under no circumstances whatsoever should your support system be a female. First for the obvious reasons. Second, we’re dealing with a male issue. You need another man who can understand what you’re going through and the obstacles you face.  

Second, it helps greatly if your Nathan has been through the battle and knows what it’s like to fight and overcome addiction.  They know what you’re going through because they’ve been there themselves.

What you’re not looking for is someone who doesn’t think what you’re doing is wrong. You may have a good buddy, but they think there’s no problem with porn, they will not be of any help to you and will probably cause you to fall even further into addiction.  Second, it should not be a close family member, especially your wife.  Your family should be aware of your battle and be a part of your recovery, but there are too many ups and downs in this fight and they are too closely affected by your addiction.

One of the best options for finding your Nathan is through a coach.  There are many men who have overcome sexual addiction and are willing to help other men in their own fight.  A coach can provide one-on-one guidance to help you finally break free. He will assist you, encourage you, and keep you accountable.  He can create a personalized plan to fight your addiction and continued support to keep you on track. While not a substance for clinical counseling or therapy, coaching can provide the support system you need.

I offer one-on-one coaching to men battling porn and sex addiction. If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on course.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who once thought they were helpless.  If you feel like coaching can help you break the chains of your addiction, feel free to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com.

A coach can certainly be your Nathan.  He can be the friend and brother that you need to fight this battle alongside you.  He can be your intimate confidant, your encouraging mentor, and your accountability partner.

Just like David, we all need a Nathan by our side.

Who is your Nathan?


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Do You Have Perseverance?

Do you have perseverance?

Do you have what it takes to keep going no matter how hard, how far, or how painful?

The sad news is that many men today are mentally weak. 

Far too often, men give up at the first sign of difficulty.  Instead of fighting through the hardship, they surrender and admit defeat.  If they get knocked backwards, they decide to simply throw in the towel instead of fighting back.  

It’s time you hardened yourself against the struggles in your life and showed some perseverance.  Fight through the failures.  Continue on the path even when it gets bumpy.  

There’s an old Navy proverb, “Calm seas never made a good sailor.”

Life is much the same way.  If you only take on battles you know you can win, you’ll never truly know what you’re capable of.

You need perseverance to push through those stormy seas; to fight on when you feel like giving up.

What is perseverance?

Perseverance is continuing to move forward despite how difficult it gets or how long it takes to see success.

The problem is, too many people can’t see beyond today.  They can’t look past the temporary pain they’re experiencing now to see the rewards of what will come later.  Men would rather find quick easy comfort NOW, rather that push on to experience the true satisfaction of accomplishment.

This is one reason porn addiction is so difficult to overcome.  It’s so much easier to run to the quick escape and easy pleasure of porn than it is to persevere through the hardships of life.  Instead of facing your problems head on and dealing with them, you use porn to avoid them.  Then you wonder why you feel shame, depression, and anxiety.  

The same can be said of fitness. It’s much easier to sit back on the couch with a beer than is to persevere through a tough workout.  

Instead of choosing the pleasures of the present, choose the payoff of perseverance.

No one ever regretted fighting through hardship to achieve victory.  you may have thought you were going through hell in the moment, but once you reach the other side, you’re always glad you kept going. 

Think about this:

Have you ever regretted a good workout once you’re done?  

Have you ever regretted pushing through and finishing that project instead of seeing it sit there half completed?

Have you ever regretted having sex with your wife instead of jerking off to porn?

Have you ever regretted reading your Bible instead of scrolling social media?

NO.

Because the rewards of perseverance are worth fighting for.

You won’t find perseverance by standing still.  Just like you need the stormy seas to make you a good sailor, you need to face trials in life in order to develop perseverance.  

You may think you’re tough as nails, but if you’re never hit with a hammer, how will you know how strong you truly are?

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is Romans 5:3-4.

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Romans 5:3-4

Fighting through trials will help you develop perseverance.  Developing perseverance will build your character, and being of strong character will give you hope.   You will have hope that you can overcome any obstacle.  You will have confidence that you can face any foe.  You will have the courage to fight through battles when it feels like the odds are against you.

Modern men must develop perseverance.  The world is trying to keep you weak by enticing you with quick easy pleasures.  But strong men put on blinders against all the distractions. They can focus on the future rewards of their labors and press on through the difficulty.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Winston Churchill

Don’t let temptation distract you.  Don’t let difficulty defeat you.  Don’t let pain stop you.

Find your inner grit.  Find your strength.  Find Perseverance.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
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One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

Cleaning Up My Own Mess

Throughout my addiction, I always tried to deflect blame for my actions. 

I would blame my acting out on stress and anxiety.  I would blame my wife for the slightest errors and use them as justification for my actions.  I would blame God for making me this way.  I would blame society for being so sexualized.

But it took a major life event for me to realize the truth.

The mess I’m in is MY fault. 

While there are certain things that could explain my behavior, only I was responsible for my behavior.  


I had to take a good long look in the mirror and admit to myself who I was and what I was doing.  That was hard to do.  I’m a proud, confident guy.  Admitting weakness is tough.  Admitting failure was difficult.

So many others had tried to tell me I was on a self destructive path, but I didn’t listen.

The hardest person to convince to change is yourself.

But once I realized that I was responsible for my addiction, I also realized that I was responsible for my recovery.  If I got myself into this mess, then I also possessed the power to get out of it.

I had to stop wishing I would be free from addiction and start making the changes to get free.  I had to stop hoping I would get better and start planning how to do it.

Once I put my mind to change and put the pieces in place, I started finding success in my battle.  I stopped blaming everyone else for actions and took responsibility myself.  Instead of trying to paint the picture of the perfect life, I opened up about my struggles and got the help I needed.  

In order to find freedom, you have to realize this:

The mess you’re in is YOUR fault. The solution is also YOUR responsibility.

So take that long look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you, and only you, are responsible for where you’re at in life.  It may be cliche’, but the first step is always to admit that you have a problem.  The second step is to realize that you also have the power to overcome the problem within you.  

You may not think you’re strong enough.  You may not think you can do it.  And you do definitely need help.  You cannot win this battle alone.  You need support, encouragement, accountability and the love of forgiveness of God.  But you have it in you to change.  It may take some digging, but deep down that strength is in there.

Take responsibility for your actions and take responsibility for making the changes you need to make to find freedom.


It’s your mess.  It’s time you cleaned it up.


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

One-on-one coaching can help you finally break free
from porn addiction once and for all.

  • One-On-One Video Calls
  • Free Book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal
  • A custom plan to overcome your addiction
  • Personal access to Timothy for guidance and support
  • Continued accountability and guidance

Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

Are you next???

How To Restore Trust After Porn Addiction

One of the most damaging effects of porn addiction is the destruction of trust it causes in relationships.

While I do not believe that Porn Addiction itself rises to the level of Adultery or Cheating, it does break the trust established and leads to feelings of betrayal.   Wives are often left feeling broken, hurt, and used.  They often feel like they did something wrong or they are not good enough.  Many wonder how they could ever trust their husband or partner again.  

It’s often said that once trust is broken, it can never be restored.  I disagree.

I believe that trust, especially within the confines of a marriage affected by porn addiction, can be restored.    But it takes hard work.  It takes time.  It takes both a determination to change, and a willingness to forgive.  

Porn and sex addiction will change a marriage forever.  It will never be the same again.  Yet, trust can be restored and the relationship can survive and even thrive.  

I destroyed just about every shred of trust my wife had in me over my years of addiction.  I lied time and time again.  Just when she thought she could start trusting me again, I would throw it all away by relapsing and we’d be back at square one.  

What allowed my marriage to survive was the determination to never give up; from both of us.  I never gave up trying to get better and find sobriety.  My wife determined to never give up on me.  We both had to put in the hard work.  I had to dig deep to fix the issues causing my addiction and she had to work through the heartache and work toward forgiveness.

But we made it.  We fought through the roller coaster ride and made it out on the other side better than ever.  Trust has been restored, we are more intimate than ever, and our marriage has grown closer and stronger having been through the darkness together.

So if your marriage has been damaged by porn and sex addiciton, don’t give up hope.  Fight for it.  Put in the work necessary to put the broken pieces back together.

Here are five things you must do to restore trust in your relationship.

  1. Honesty

You must be 100% honest with your wife.  No more lies!  The damage has already been done.  The wound is already there.  You’re not sparing her any pain by holding back additional information.  This is something I did quite a bit.  I would be about 90% honest, but withhold something each time.  I convinced myself I was trying not to hurt her further, but in reality it was me still trying to cover my own ass and not make my actions seem as bad.  

In my book, Living Porn Free: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal, I have a disclosure exercise where you will list out everything you have done in your addiction.  All of it.  Lay it out in black and white.  Confession starts the process of healing.  Do this for yourself first, to get a full grasp of the magnitude of your addiction.  Once you have done this, have a full disclosure with your spouse.  DO NOT do this alone!  Disclosure with your wife should take place in a safe and healthy environment under the direction of a professional counselor, pastor, or coach.

Trust requires absolute honesty, even if it hurts.  There is no chance of recovery if you hold information back.  

  1. Transparency

If you want to restore trust, you must be an open book.  No more secrets.  You lost your right to that when you made poor decisions.  

The Ronald Reagan quote, “Trust, but verify” fits perfectly here.  You cannot just expect your wife to start trusting you again without proof that you are doing what you say you are doing.  You may need to give her the password to your phone.  You may have to install blocking software on your devices.  You may need to give up your right to have your office door closed.  

Yes, it may be a breach of privacy.  Yes it sucks.  But you know what sucks worse? Losing your marriage.  Suck it up and do what you have to do to restore trust.

  1. Accountability

In recovery from Porn Addiction, accountability is everything.  In Living Porn Free, I discuss the importance of having a “Nathan.”  Nathan was the prophet who called King David out for his sin of adultery with Bathsheba.   David needed a friend with the courage to keep him accountable.  He needed a brother to help him realize his errors and seek redemption.

I wouldn’t have made the progress I’ve made in my own recovery from porn addiction if I hadn’t had friends who supported me and held me accountable.   Left to ourselves, we will take the easy route every time.  We need someone to check up on us, tell it to us straight, and push us forward.

However, your accountability partner must NOT be your wife. There are too many ups and downs for her to be your accountability partner.  You need a man, a brother, to be your friend and accountability partner in that battle.  You will be accountable to him, so that you can restore trust with her. 

  1. No Self Pity

When you finally make the decision to break free from porn, you feel a huge weight taken off your shoulders. When you confess, that burden of keeping secrets is removed.  You feel relieved.  You’re finally doing the right thing.  Sometimes, men feel like that should be acknowledged, like they deserve recognition for doing the right thing.  While you should be commended for taking action to quit, you’re just doing what you should have been doing from the beginning.

While you feel great for finally changing your life, you just wrecked her world!  

Don’t be selfish and expect a pat on the back for not doing something wrong.  Don’t get upset because you lost your right to privacy or have to constantly check in with your wife.  These aren’t annoyances, they’re the steps to rebuilding the trust that you damaged.  

  1. Move Forward

In order to truly restore trust and rebuild a marriage, you have to move on.  Deal with the problems, make changes that need to be made, then go forward in a new life.  Instead of living in the past, start building the future.  The fairy tale “happily ever after” marriage is over.  The facade of the perfect marriage is gone. 

This can be a good thing.  You now realize that you’re just two broken people who are determined to stick together no matter what. So start living for the future, improving your relationship day by day, and grow closer together.

I see too many marriages where they seem to want to hang on to the pain.  They want vengeance or retribution.  If you’re looking to get even, you’ll never survive.  

Forgiveness is the key to restoring a broken marriage.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean what the person did was ok.  It means giving up the right to seek retribution for the wrong committed. 

The past is the past.  You can’t change it. Learn from it, fix the problems, and move forward.I’m not going to sit here and pretend that it will be easy to restore trust that has been broken.  There are marriages that cannot survive the damage done by porn addiction.  But if you are willing to put in the hard work, follow the steps I’ve shown, and commit to fighting for your marriage, that trust can be restored. 


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Why try to find your own path through the darkness?  I’ve been through it.  Let me guide you through.

I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn.  I’ll show you the steps to living porn free.  I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. 

I’ve helped hundreds of men quit porn for good.  

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