Is Masturbation Ok?

Hardly a day goes by when I do not receive a message or an email from someone asking something like this, “I have gone X days without watching porn, but I still masturbate regularly.  Is that ok?”

Is masturbation without porn ok?

Unfortunately, there isn’t really a simple yes or no answer to that question.  So let’s break it down a bit.

Watching porn and masturbation are two completely separate acts.  One involves visual stimulation.  The other involves physical stimulation.  However, they’re almost always performed in conjunction with one another. The whole point of watching porn is for sexual pleasure, so there is almost always masturbation to provide the sexual release.  

Very rarely do men watch porn without masturbating as well.   When men say, “I’m addicted to porn”, they’re not simply admitting to sitting in front of a screen watching porn for hours.  They’re addicted to watching porn and masturbating.  I know of very few men who only enjoyed watching porn and not also masturbating to it.

The same cannot be said of the opposite situation, however.  Men very often will masturbate without watching porn, especially in the shower.   It’s not usually that hard for a man to achieve erection and orgasm without visual aids.  Sometimes just touching themselves is enough stimulation to get off.  Most often, however, men will go into their mental bank of sexual images or replay sexual encounters in their minds eye to give them the stimulation they need.  Fantasizing is another activity men use to masturbate to.  Basically, they create their own porn with their thoughts.

Therein lies the problem with masturbation.  It usually still involves some type of sexual imagery and lust, even if it’s only in your mind.  The only difference between masturbating to fantasies and masturbating to porn is that there is no physical image to look at.  Besides that, you’re still lusting sexually after a woman.   

Lust is sin, whether physical or imagined.  

There is no difference between watching explicit porn, and undressing a woman with your eyes who you see walking down the street.  

Secondly, the major issue of porn and sex addiction isn’t porn itself, or even masturbation itself, it’s the result of both:  Orgasm.  

You watch porn so you can masturbate.  You masturbate so you can orgasm.  Ejaculating is the purpose of both.   Orgasm is when your brain is flooded with dopamine and serotonin.  This is what gives you the euphoric feeling when you orgasm.  It’s this good feeling that we run to to “escape” the emotions that are driving the addiction.   When you are triggered by whatever emotional wound is causing your addiction, you run to porn, masturbation, and orgasm to feel better.It’s the release of this “drug” at orgasm that we actually get addicted to. 

In this way, masturbation alone is no better than watching porn.  You’re still avoiding the pain in your life, you’re just not using sexual images online to do it.

So, no, Masturbation alone is not ok.  It’s not a healthy alternative to avoid watching porn because it doesn’t solve the core problem driving you to seek sexual release.  

But………………..

Masturbation can be a step in the right direction.  

Let me explain.

I often tell the men I coach that it is almost impossible to quit porn cold turkey.  Relapses are to be expected.  Where masturbation can be used in a good way is to wean yourself off the drug of porn addiction.  

While masturbation is certainly not an effective alternative to watching porn, it is marginally better.  It’s a step forward.  If a man is watching porn and masturbating five times a week and they can reduce that behavior to only masturbating five times a week, that is progress. 

Remember, two steps forward, one step back, is still moving forward.

While I will not encourage you to masturbate as an alternative to porn, it can be used as a way to gradually “detox” yourself from the addiction.  I would much rather see man gradually go from watching porn and masturbating, to only masturbating, than to see a man go with nothing for a week and then completely relapse time and time again.  One is making gradual progress, the other is stuck in a vicious cycle.

Another question that is often asked is, “Is masturbation a sin?”  The Bible does not specifically address masturbation like it does other sexual sin like adultery.   An often mentioned passage is Genesis 38 where Onan is described as “spilling his semen on the ground.” This story, however, is referring to birth control, not masturbation.  Onan was “pulling out.”

Since the vast majority of the time masturbation involves lustful sexual thoughts, I would consider it a sin.  

Bottom Line:

While masturbation can be effectively used to gradually reduce porn consumption, it is not a healthy alternative to porn or a long-term solution.  

If you want to truly live porn free, you also need to live masturbation free.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Join The PORN FREE 2021 Challenge

A new year is a time to reflect and a time to look ahead.  It’s a time when we set goals and try to make needed changes in our lives.

Unfortunately, many times those changes don’t even last until February.

So, this year, I’m not asking you to make a New Year’s resolution.  I’m asking you to take on a New Year’s CHALLENGE.

I don’t want you to simply try to create a new habit.  I’m asking you to push yourself.  I want you to take on a challenge that you think is impossible.  

I challenge you to join me in living completely Porn Free in 2021. 

This will not be easy, even for me.  It will require hard work, determination, and faith.  You will be pushed beyond what you believe you are capable of doing.  It will require strength beyond yourself.  

To you, this challenge may seem beyond your reach.  But with God, anything is possible.  He can provide you with the strength and courage required to do the impossible.  

This new year is a chance to wipe the slate clean, to start fresh, and to begin anew.  It’s an opportunity to change your life forever.

My life has done a total 180° since I overcame my porn addiction.  I not only quit porn, I lost 35 pounds, I started a blog, I began coaching, I restored my broken marriage, and I’ve created multiple income streams.

I could not have achieved any of those things had I not quit porn first.

You know you need to quit.  You know it’s worse than just a bad habit.  You know it’s destroying you from the inside out.  This is your opportunity to change your life!

I want as many men as possible to have the tools necessary to take on this challenge.

Now through New Year’s Day, I’m offering my video coaching course, LIVING PORN FREE: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal for only $21.00!

That’s $56 off the normal price!

I’ve never offered this program for less than this and probably never will.  This is your opportunity to learn the tools and methods I used to finally overcome 15+ years of porn and sex addiction and find healing and redemption  

You’ll learn:

  • How and why you got addicted in the first place
  • Proven methods for avoiding and overcoming triggers
  • Who you need on your team to help you win the battle
  • Biblical lessons on confession, redemption, and forgiveness
  • Tools, Routines, and Techniques to help you quit porn once and for all

And don’t just take it from me, listen to what this brother who found freedom through Living Porn Free has to say:

“When I first took Living Porn Free, I was REALLY struggling. But I followed the steps to get myself on track to finding freedom. Months later, I have beaten this addiction thanks to Timothy’s help and one-on-one coaching. Putting his plan and suggestions into practice helped me finally find freedom.”

Aaron M.

PORN FREE 2021 is more than a challenge. This is a ticket to freedom. 

Don’t waste this special opportunity to finally break free from the bonds of porn addiction.  

Porn has controlled your life for far too long.  The time is now for you to Live Porn Free.

Join me in the PORN FREE 2021 Challenge.

Click here to start LIVING PORN FREE


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Covid, Porn, and Human Sex Trafficking – A Vicious Combination

This week I’m happy to have a guest post from Melanie Trammell-Wenger. Melanie is an advocate raising awareness about human sex trafficking. She is also co-worker of mine at my church where I serve as Worship Director.

Covid never seems to disappoint in the ways it has wreaked havoc on our world this year.

Porn sites saw a HUGE increase in traffic worldwide during the corona virus shutdown. Many like Pornhub offered free subscriptions, premium content and corona themed videos to users who were stuck at home. And while the industry claims that it helps relieve anxiety, depression and loneliness – multiple studies will tell you that it actually preys on and then exacerbates these very things in its consumers to make its money. In addition, pornography is often saturated with violence (especially toward women) which can normalize and rationalize violent behavior. “Assault”, “rape”, and “abuse” are among some of the most popular porn searches, and physical aggression appeared in 88% of 304 porn scenes studied. In fact, pornography is such a problem in our society that that 16 US states have declared it a public health crisis. Basically a bad idea, don’t do it.

But what does this have to do with human trafficking? Well, many things.

First of all, a person on a webcam or in a pornographic video is as likely to be a trafficking victim as a person selling sex in any other environment. That means that there is plenty of pornographic content that our culture consumes that is non-consensual. And with the shutdowns – that number is likely to increase. Pretty much everything about human trafficking is all about supply and demand. As more people turn to porn during the shutdowns, the more likely it will be for traffickers to force their victims into performing it. Additionally, as more violent content becomes popular – the more likely it becomes for victims to suffer through that as well.

And it’s not just traffickers that already have victims that are peddling out non-consensual sexual services, but in fact a new disturbing trend is landlords pressuring cash stripped renters to perform sexual acts to avoid being evicted. Again we see here that vulnerability and opportunity because of chaos are two major factors in the fight to end human trafficking.

Even further, as street based and call in sex buying has slowed down (but not stopped), which sounds like a good thing but could actually force victims into more dangerous situations.

“Polaris’s own analysis of online communities of frequent sex buyers shows similarly that the most prolific buyers are still buying despite the health threat to themselves and others. Some have indicated that they see the lack of other buyers in the marketplace as an opportunity to negotiate for lower prices because people in the sex trade have even less bargaining power than ever. That “negotiating power” also raises concerns that people in trafficking situations will face additional pressure from their pimps/traffickers to engage in risky in-person sexual activity, such as more aggressive sex acts or “dates” with buyers they suspect are violent.”

And the kicker? Trafficked persons have fewer ways to escape than ever before.

“The Trafficking Hotline remains fully operational and is still connecting people in need to support and services around the country. Those services, however – particularly emergency shelter – have become even more difficult to find than they have been in the past. While there have virtually never been enough beds for those who need them in safe environments, now those resources have shrunk further. Few shelters are taking new clients as they try to maintain healthy environments for those already there. Even transportation, to get away from abusers to minimally available shelters, is more difficult because of the shutdown of countless airline routes, bus and train lines. Intake services, case management, and drop-in services have shut down or, as possible, moved online. That means people who live with their abusers and are not yet ready or able to physically escape have no way to communicate with outside help other than electronically – a dangerous proposition if they share a home with their traffickers. That gives people in active trafficking situations virtually no safe place to receive support as they try to come up with a plan.”

But you can help! Groups like Exodus Cry are committed to ending sexual exploitation and porn culture in our world. You can learn more about them by checking out their website here, or sign their petition to hold Pornhub accountable for their involvement in sex trafficking here.

You can fact check all the claims above by reading these articles:
https://www.dressember.org/blog/pornographyandpandemic
https://polarisproject.org/blog/2020/04/sex-trafficking-is-still-happening-and-may-be-more-violent-than-ever/

About the Author: Melanie Trammell-Wenger is an ambassador from ASPIRE – a nonprofit that works to end human trafficking in the Lehigh Valley, and part of the Dressember Network – another organization that seeks to end human trafficking through awareness and fundraising campaigns during the month of December. But during the day she works as a part time Communications Director at Calvary Bible Fellowship Church in Coopersburg PA, and a UX Designer helping social entrepreneurs redesign their websites into strategic cause vehicles. If you’d ever like to talk about human trafficking, faith or website stuff – shoot her a message 🙂 melanietrammellwenger@gmail.com


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

How Your Company Affects Your Character

Have you ever noticed how your mood or motivation changes depending upon who you’re around at that moment?

In one sense, you could feel down and sorry about yourself, and if you come into contact with the right person, they can quickly have you feel like you can take on the whole world.

In another sense, you could feel motivated and confident in yourself and when a particular person comes along, they somehow manage to bring out the worst in you.

The Apostle Paul, in writing to the Corinthians is 1 Corinthians 15:33 writes, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

He was specifically warning the people of the church not to listen to people who were saying that Jesus didn’t actually rise from the dead, but the broader theme has implications for us as men as well.

We must make sure that the company we keep is company worth having.  Do the people around us push us to better ourselves? Or do they try to bring you down?

Many people try to keep their friends down in an effort to feel better about themselves.  They don’t want you to get better because you’ll make them feel inferior.

We must heed Paul’s advice and rid these people from our lives.  Like a bad apple, they will surely poison the whole bunch.

It may seem like subtle “ball-busting”, but these men mean to bring you down.  These are the type of people who will question your manhood for not wanting to go out drinking with them.  They’ll think something is wrong with you because you don’t want to watch porn everyday anymore like they do.

I’ve been in this situation and I’m sure you have too.  You set goals for yourself, strive to improve areas of your life, but once you connect with certain people, it all goes out the window.

If we are to thrive as men and throw off the hindrances that hold us down, we must seek out men who will enrich our lives and push us to be the best versions of ourselves.

These types of men won’t let you make excuses, they’ll call you out when you try to believe your own BS.  They will keep you accountable and make sure you’re walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  They will support you and encourage you to continually be improving.

These men are true brothers.

Find men who will build your character, not corrupt your character.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

We must surround ourselves with men who will sharpen us, not dull us.  Our company should build us up, not bring us down to their level.

Where can you find men like this?

You must look for places where men are still men.  Hopefully, your church has strong, male leadership and hasn’t become feminized like so many modern churches have become.  For me, there’s great men in my church that push me, pray for me, and support me.  We keep each other accountable and make sure we’re accountable to God as well.

Another place to find men of good character is in a fraternity. I have found lifelong brothers in my Masonic Lodge.  We come together to “take good men and make them better.”  

I recently joined a fraternity of exceptional men called the Fraternity of Excellence.  It is a brotherhood of men who learn together, provide accountability, tough love, and don’t let a man fall behind.  We push each other to better fathers, husbands, and men.  We push one another to get fit and strong, both physically and emotionally.  We provide a place for men to build and practice the virtues that make us men.  If you aren’t yet a member, I highly recommend you join.  

If we surround ourselves with negative, manipulative, and mediocre men, we ourselves will become average.  We will sink to the lowest common denominator.

But, if you associate with men of good character, upright morals, and Biblical values, you will be forced to rise to occasion and become the man you’re capable of becoming and the type of man God wants you to be.

So I challenge you, brothers, to examine the company you keep.  Are they corrupting your character? Or are they building your character?

Small Victories in a Larger War

The anti-porn movement won two major victories in the last few days.

First, last Thursday, Mastercard and Visa announced they will stop allowing their cards to be used on Pornhub due to the website hosting videos of child abuse and rape.  Discover quickly followed suit.

www.nytimes.com/visa-mastercard-block-pornhub

This could potentially cause some financial problems for Pornhub as it basically prevents anyone from purchasing their premium and webcam services. How else is someone going to buy something online if they can’t use a debit/credit card?

While this is great news, unfortunately the vast majority of content on Pornhub is offered for free and paid for through advertisements, much like YouTube and the main social media platforms.  

So this won’t stop most people from being able to access porn on Pornhub.  BUT, it is a chink in the armor.  Pornhub was once considered untouchable, a behemoth that no one could take down.  This move by the major credit card companies at least shows a line has been drawn in the sand for illegal content.

The second win came on Monday when Pornhub removed all “unverified” videos on it’s platform.  

news.yahoo.com/pornhub-removes-unverified-videos

This action deleted all videos not uploaded by a verified user, which means that anyone can no longer simply upload a video.  This will help them ensure that video content does not include illegal activity or child abuse.

This is certainly good news as it removed a lot of horrific content, however, it doesn’t change much moving forward.  To be verified, all one has to do is upload a picture of them holding a piece of paper with their handle on it to prove it’s them.  There is still no age verification or content review process.  It can stop some videos from being uploaded, but if someone still wants to add illegal content, all they have to do is “verify” themselves first.

Again, this is just a small win in a larger war, but it at least shows that society is not willing to accept blatant depictions of rape and abuse.  

Make no mistake, this IS a war we are in.  We are at war for the purity of men.  We are at war against the objectification of women.  We are at war to uphold Biblical values in our society.  

Yet this battle goes far beyond just trying to take down the major producers and distributors of pornography.  Just because something becomes harder to acquire, doesn’t mean that men won’t continue to search for it.

Look at the smoking industry.  They’ve been under attack for 50 years now.  There are more warning labels and education than ever against smoking, but millions and millions are still addicted.

Even if Pornhub was shut down tomorrow, there would still be millions of men addicted to porn.  Ending websites won’t solve the problem.

Why? 

Porn addiction is a heart problem, not a habit problem. 

Porn addiction is a problem that can only be solved by addressing the issues in each individual’s life, not by banning or outlawing the vice.  

Men found a way to access porn long before the internet existed and will continue to find ways to indulge in sexual imagery regardless of difficulty or legality.

We must continue to fight for purity in our lives.  I will continue my mission of helping men break free from porn addiction and find the healing and redemption that I’ve found. 

Men must learn WHY they’re addicted and treat the inner wounds causing them to act out instead of simply treating symptoms by only trying to remove access to porn.

Removing access to porn will not cure an addiction.

Addiction is defeated by healing the wounds that we use porn to self medicate.  Addiction is defeated when we fight back with determination to make changes in our lives.  And addiction is defeated when we allow Jesus Christ to forgive us of our sin and make us pure in His sight.

THAT is how we win this larger war.

If you need help fighting this battle, you can reach out to me for help.  I have multiple resources to help you win the battle with porn addiction.

If you think one-on-one coaching can help you, email me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter.

We will win this war one man at a time fighting one battle at a time.

Keep fighting brothers.

Never give up.

Will I Be Remembered When I’m Gone?

Over half of my life has been spent working in funeral homes.  I started at age 16 as an after school job in high school and I’m still doing it now.  In over 18 years in this business, I’ve seen a lot of things.  

I’ve seen tragedies too many to count.  I’ve seen heartbreak you can’t begin to imagine.  I’ve cried with families and had to remain strong for them.

I’ve also seen greatness.  I’ve seen people leave behind a legacy that will be remembered for generations. I’ve seen celebrations of love, memories, and a life well lived.

People often ask me, what have I learned about death in all those years of funerals?

My answer is this:

I’ve learned nothing about death, but I’ve learned a whole lot about life.

So I’m going to impart some wisdom to you that I’ve learned over the years.

Everyone Dies

This may seem blatantly obvious, and it is.  But believe me, people don’t live this way.   They go through life avoiding any discussion of death in the belief that maybe if they don’t talk about it, it won’t ever happen.  Then they’re blindsided when death inevitably comes knocking at their door.

Don’t be that guy.  I’ve seen far too many people leave their families with nothing.  They never planned ahead and when something happens unexpectedly, they’re families are left holding the bag.  

Unless Jesus comes back soon, you WILL die.  Be ready.  Be prepared.  Make sure there is a way to provide for your family.  

Not Everyone Lives

There’s a well known quote often attributed to the Dalai Lama which says, “Man lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Let me tell you, this is true.  So many people worry about not dying that they never actually live their life.  Too many men become so engrossed in their careers that they never actually enjoy the benefits of their labors.  

I’ve seen far too many men slave away for 40+ years at a job they hate, then drop dead two years into retirement.  

Trust me, No one will care about your career at your funeral.

Build your life so that you can enjoy the time God blesses you with.  Be healthy so you can be there for your family.  Invest your time in things that will last, not in empty pleasures.  

Live your life.  Don’t just pass the time.

Make Sure You Leave A Worthy Legacy

I care for almost 700 funerals a year.  You know what I never hear people talk about?

  • How much tv they watched
  • Long hours spent at a career
  • How much money they had

This is what they DO talk about:

  • Memories of time spent together
  • How much love was shared
  • Lessons the person taught them

Leave behind a legacy that will be remembered long after you’re gone.  Instill the values you hold dear into your loved ones.  Teach them the lessons you’ve learned in life.  Spend time WITH them, not money ON them. 

Don’t be the guy who all his family can say about him at his funeral was how much he loved golf.

Leave a legacy that will be passed down to generations yet unborn.  Make sure people remember how you made them feel special, not how you were never around for them.  The busyness of life won’t last, but love and memories never die.

Take a few moments to assess your life.  If everything ended tomorrow, would you be happy with the life you’ve lived?  Are there changes you need to make to ensure you leave a strong legacy?  What can you do now to create a life and legacy to be proud of?

You never know when God might call you home.  Be ready. Prepare for your family. Have difficult conversations.  

The greatest lesson I’ve learned about life through working with the dead is this:

The things that matter the most in life, aren’t things at all. 


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Don’t Be A Frog In Water

There’s a lab experiment often told, where a frog is placed in water heating at the rate of .0036 of a degree Fahrenheit per second and, although it never moves, at the end of two and a half hours, the frog is found to be dead.  The explanation is that the water is heated so gradually that the frog never becomes aware of the rising temperature and is boiled to death without a struggle.  If you were to drop him suddenly into hot water, he would splash it all over the place and probably be able to jump out.  

Do you ever feel like this when considering your porn addiction?

Do you ever look back and think, “How did I get here?”

You started out thinking you were ok.  That “just a little won’t hurt.”  Then before you know it, you’re in so deep you don’t even recognize yourself.

I know exactly how that feels.

What started as a teenage boy being curious, turned into a grown man with a full blown sex addiction.  If you had told me at 15 what I’d be doing at 29, I’d have jumped out of that hot water real quick!

But that’s not how porn addiction works.  The temperature is slowly turned up until it destroys you and everything you love.  But instead of increasing heat, you escalate your behavior.  One degree Fahernheit might be one more video.  Ten degrees might be subscribing to an OnlyFans instead of just watching PornHub.  Then it escalates into hookups, prostitutes, and fetishes which you would have originally found abhorrent.  

This is exactly what happened in my life.  Over 15 years the temperature kept increasing until I no longer even recognized myself.  When I looked in the mirror, I hated myself.  How did I let it get this far?

I believed that lie of “a little more won’t hurt.”  I believed I would just go one more step and that would be “enough”.  

Guess what brother, 

“Enough” is never enough. 

I kept constantly trying to satisfy myself through more and more.  One more video would be “enough.” One more hookup would be “enough”.  If only I could try that, it would be “enough.”  It never was.

I kept turning up that thermometer hoping the increased warmth would soothe me, but it only kept getting hotter and hotter until it burned me.  

Defeating my addiction required being able to recognize when the temperature was increasing.  I had to break apart my addiction, learn my triggers and temptations, then have the strength to course correct before it was too late.

This is not an easy thing to do.  It’s so easy to give in like we always have.  

This is one of the things I teach in my coaching program.  We retrace your steps to discover what truly leads to acting out.  You may think a hot photo on instagram triggered you, but that was really only the straw that broke the camel’s back.  The true cause lays farther back in time.  Discovering what that deeper cause is, and learning to deal with it in a healthy way, is how you defeat porn addiction.

If you think one-on-one coaching can help you, email me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter.

Secondly, you have to learn that you will never find satisfaction in physical pleasures.  No amount of porn, sex, drugs, booze, food, or anything else will ever be “enough.”  They’re a mirage of fulfillment and happiness, but leave you empty and alone.

Only God can fulfill the desires of your heart.  Only forgiveness can heal the damage that’s been done.  Only through redemption can you fill the hole in your life.  

Don’t wait until the water boils you alive.  Jump out while you still can.


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Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Let’s Talk About SEX

Where did you first learn about sex?

Did you get the birds and the bees talk from your parents?  Did you learn about it in health class at school?  Maybe an older sibling told you what it was?

Or, like many men, including myself, you weren’t taught about sex at all and you learned about sex from watching porn.  No wonder you ended up addicted to it and have a distorted view of what sex should be.

We cannot fail to teach our children and other young men about sex.  

Let’s face it, they’re going to learn about sex whether you like it or not.  Chances are, they’re going to learn about it before you’re ready to talk to talk to them about it.  Kids today are bombarded with sexual innuendo and imagery everywhere they look.  It’s discussed openly in school, they see it on social media, and it’s all over movies and tv.  

If your kids are going to learn about sex, shouldn’t it be from you?

Yet, generation after generation we have failed to adequately educate our children about sex.  The results have been disastrous.   

Instead of parents teaching their own children about sex and what a healthy sex life is, they’ve left that chore up to the schools and the entertainment industry.  

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want some “gender fluid” YouTuber teaching my kids about sex.  

Most parents don’t want to talk about it because it’s awkward.  I get it.  It is awkward.  But it’s going to be even more awkward if your kid ends up with a warped view of sex, is addicted to porn, or is hooking up with people right and left.

There has been no place that has failed more in the education of what sex is and should be than the church.

The church has always taught, rightfully so, that sex is reserved for the covenant of marriage.  They have encouraged abstinence and preached the virtues of remaining pure until marriage. 

The problem is, that’s all they’ve taught.

There is nothing wrong with preaching abstinence, but it cannot stop there.

This failure of both parents and the church to talk about sex has led to many of the problems modern men deal with in regards to porn and sexual relationships.  

They were led to believe that sex is a “shameful” thing when it is a beautiful thing.  Then they discover sex through porn and hookups and feel like they’ve been lied to.

Until we as Christians decide to actually start talking about sex in ways other than “Don’t Do It”, men will continue to be addicted to porn and sex.

We must be unafraid to talk about sex.  We must teach what a healthy sex life looks like.  We must teach that there is more to intimacy than sexual intimacy.  Sex is a part of intimacy, but it is not intimacy alone.

We have to teach our youth God’s design for sex and marriage.  Right now, all they hear is “Wait until marriage” and “pre-marital sex is sin”.  While true, it makes sex seem dirty or wrong.  It makes it appear that Christians are nothing but a bunch of prudes.

The truth is God wants us to have healthy sex lives.  He wants us to “be fruitful and multiply.”  The Bible also doesn’t just reserve sex for procreation. Sex is supposed to be pleasureable.  

Read the book of Song of Songs.  The back and forth between the husband and wife could make a sailor blush.  But that’s what a healthy sexual relationship is supposed to look like.  It’s an intimate, loving, beautiful experience to be shared by a man and wife.

Yet, in the well-intentioned interest of teaching about abstinence, too often we have thrown the baby out with bath water and failed to teach our youth anything else about sex.

I firmly believe this is why many young men have become addicted to porn.  We must do a better job teaching our children about sex, or this devastating trend will continue.

My mission is to help men fight and overcome porn and sex addiction.  But it would be better for them never to become addicted in the first place!

We do this by talking to our children and young men about sex and teach them what a healthy sex life looks like.

Don’t be afraid to talk about sex.

Does Porn Make Me A Bad Man?

Porn makes you feel a lot of things.

It makes you feel good.  It gets you excited.  It allows you to escape from the stresses of life. 

These “good” things only last a short time.

Porn also makes you feel shame, regret, and disgust.  It leads to depression, increased (not decreased) stress, and overwhelming guilt.

Porn can destroy your happiness, your marriage, your family, and your career.  It causes you to avoid your duties as a husband and it takes time away from your children.

Many men might ask themselves, “Does porn make me a bad man?”

This is an understandable question.  Men feel guilt and shame after using porn.  They know they need to stop but can’t.  They know it could ruin everything, but they keep going back.

Is it just because they’re bad men?

No.

Porn doesn’t make you a bad man, it makes you bad at being a man.

Being addicted to porn doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.  It doesn’t mean you’re just a creepy pervert or that you have this crazy sex drive. But it does make you bad at being a man.  It causes you to fall short in your God-given role as man.  

Let’s look at a few ways porn makes you bad at being a man.

Porn makes you bad at being a husband.

It goes without saying that porn destroys marriages.  You’re giving yourself sexually to strangers online instead of giving your love to your wife.  This leads her to feeling betrayed, cheated on, and makes her think she’s not pretty enough for you.  Instead of supporting her and making her feel safe like a man is supposed to do, she now has to keep her guard up to protect herself from being hurt by you.  

I often say, “Sexless marriages don’t cause porn addiction, porn addiction causes sexless marriages.”  Many men get to the point in their addiction that they don’t even want to have sex with their wife.  They would rather watch porn and masturbate than have the real thing with their spouse.  Eventually, some men can’t even get an erection without porn and are unable to perform when they do go to have sex.  

Your role as a husband is to love, cherish and protect your wife.  Your job is to fill her needs as hers is to fill yours.  If you’re constantly watching porn, there’s no way you can fulfill that role.

Porn makes you bad at being a father.

Adam Lane Smith @TheBrometheus has a saying, “You can’t be a good father to your daughter if you spend your nights masturbating to other men’s exploited daughters.”

Every moment you spend watching porn is time that you’ll never get back.  It’s time that you could have spent with your kids.  At some point, you’ll realize those years flew by and now your kids are older and you lost all that time with them.

I wasted so many years chasing porn and sex that I missed out on so much of children’s early lives. I was there.  It wasn’t like I abandoned them.  But I wasn’t engaged in their lives.  I spent all my time alone on my phone instead of playing with them and teaching them.  Porn was more important than parenting.

In addition to all the wasted time, you are also setting a terrible example for your children.  They see how you treat their mother, they see how you waste your time, and how you run away from all your problems by seeking porn.  Porn addiction has a subliminal effect on children.  You may think it doesn’t really affect them, but they unfortunately see the secondary effects of porn addiction.

A father should be present, engaged, and an example to follow.  You can’t do that if you’re addicted to porn.

Porn makes you bad at being a man

A man takes responsibility for the mistakes in his life and works towards fixing them.  Whereas a man addicted to porn uses sex to escape from the problems in his life.  There’s an old saying, “Everything is about sex, except sex.”  Porn and sex addictions have nothing to do with porn and sex.  They have to do with escaping pain and a failure to properly cope with pain.  In order to be a good man, you have to face your failures, and overcome them.

A true man is a leader. If you’re addicted to porn, you’re not leading your family.  You’re not setting the example of what a good husband and father should be.  Porn addiction causes you to fail in your masculine role as provider, protector, and pastor.

Porn is sin.  A Godly man realizes the scourge of sin in his life, confesses it, and seeks redemption through Christ.  

Porn addiction doesn’t make you bad.  It doesn’t mean you’re evil or beyond help or hope.  

It simply keeps you from fulfilling your role as a man.  It tears you down instead of building you up.  It weakens you instead of being a pillar of strength for your family.  It destroys the trust and intimacy of your marriage and it takes much needed time away from your children.

If you’re struggling with porn addiction, don’t wait any longer.  You can’t afford to continue on this path.  Your family needs you to step up into the role of a man.  You cannot complete this role if you continue in your addiction.

I know it’s easier said than done.  I’ve been there.  But if you truly want to be good at being a man, you must break free from porn.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

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Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.

Embrace, Not Escape, Your Weakness

There’s an old saying, “You’re only as strong as your greatest weakness.”  

But what if you could turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength?

What if you could use the things you struggle with the most to actually better your life?

What if, to paraphrase Joseph in Genesis 50, you could take what was meant for evil and use it for good? 

That would be great right?  

But here’s the problem.  Instead of embracing our weaknesses and turning them into strengths, we often try to escape from them.   We use a multitude of distractions in order to avoid dealing with the parts of our lives that we struggle with.   

Sometimes, we pretend they don’t exist at all and avoid any situation where they might be exposed.  

Other times, we try to escape from them by using something as a distraction so we don’t have to think about or deal with them.

This makes up the basis of the vast majority of addictions to porn and sex.  We use porn and sex as a distraction, an escape, from dealing with the problems in our lives.  We are so scared of facing our weaknesses, or even admitting that they exist, that we run to porn to make us forget about them and make ourselves feel better… temporarily.

But true progress, and true healing, comes from Embracing our weaknesses, not Escaping them.  

To embrace instead of escape, we must do four things.

1. Turn Around

Stop running away from your problems!  They’re not going to go away just because you ignore them.   

Look what happened to Jonah when he ran away from what he was afraid to face. He ended up getting thrown overboard and spent three days in the belly of a fish.   I don’t think you or I will ever have that happen to us, but we do face consequences for trying to outrun our fears.  Often those problems end up being worse than the problems we’re trying to escape!

I ran from my weakness for many years. I acted as if I was the perfect husband, father, and Christian.  I didn’t want anyone to know what my weaknesses were so I pretended they didn’t exist and that I didn’t have any problems.  All this did was cause me to descend into darker and darker places.

But every one of us will hit a place where we realize we have to stop running away.  We have to stop and turn around.  Running away and escaping has gotten us nowhere.  

If we truly want to live the life we’re capable of, we have to turn around.   

2. Face Your Weakness

In order to turn your weakness into a strength, you must face it head on.  No more beating around the bush or trying to find the easy way out.  The only way is through.  

When I finally decided that I had to break free from porn addiction, I had to face myself.  I had to take a good long look in the mirror and admit what I truly was.  

What looked back at me scared me.  It’s not easy to admit the truth.  It’s much easier to escape it.  But you must face the weakness in your life if you’re going to defeat it.  I had to confess that I was addicted to porn and sex.  I was a liar, a cheat, and a terrible husband and father.  The word that haunted me the most was fraud.  But that’s what I was.  I didn’t live up to any of the standards I supposedly adhered to.  I was a phony and a fake.  

By facing my weakness, I was able to actually identify what my weakness was.  I realized I wasn’t desiring porn and sex, I was running away from feelings of inadequacy, not feeling good enough, fear of rejection, and depression.  My weakness was the insecurity of those issues and not being able to handle them.  So I used porn and sex to escape from them.  

Facing your fears and weaknesses is the only way to defeat them.  

3. Conquer

Now that you’ve stopped running, turned around, and faced your weaknesses, you must conquer them.  

For me, my weakness was porn and sex addiction.  I had to find a way to defeat it.  So, I got the help I so desperately needed.  I opened up and confessed who I truly was to myself, my family, and to God.  I was able to identify the triggers that were causing me to act out and uncovered the wounds and pain I was using porn to escape from.  I put boundaries in place to protect me if I was tempted and found accountability partners to keep me grounded and on track.  After months and even years of hard work, I can say I have conquered my weakness.

For you, do whatever you have to do to win the battle.  Fight hard.  Make the changes you know you need to make but have been avoiding. Never give up when it seems too hard or like you’re going nowhere.  Maybe you need to take drastic measures.  Most likely, you need help.  So stop trying to do it all on your own, humble yourself, and get the help you need.  

There are many other men out there willing to fight alongside you.  I’m one of them.  Through my one-on-one coaching and Living Porn Free resources, I can be the brother next to you on the battlefield. 

Whatever it takes, fight hard until you conquer your weakness.

4. Turn Your Weakness Into Strength

It’s not enough just to defeat your weakness, you need to turn into a strength.  

What was once my weakness, porn and sex addiction, is now a strength in my life.  Once I turned around, faced it, and conquered it, I was able to use my experience for good.  

I stopped hiding from my past and instead embraced it.  I took ownership of my failures and used them to help others.  Now I coach other men who are battling the same addiction I did.  I have written a book and filmed a video course on how I overcame my weakness.  

What was once shameful and hidden, I now declare openly in order to raise awareness and help more men find freedom.

Find a way to use the things that used to bring you down, to now build you and others up.

How can you turn your weakness into a strength?  What can you do to use your weakness for good? 

Can you use your experience in overcoming weakness to help other men overcome theirs?  Is there something that you were ashamed of in the past that now can be a badge of honor?  Where you unskilled at something and now you’ve turned it into something you’re great at?

We as men, must not be afraid of our weaknesses.  Instead, we must embrace our weaknesses, turn around, face them, conquer them, then turn them into strengths.  


Subscribe to my Email List for my free eBook!

Sign up for my email list and receive a free copy of my eBook, Power Over Porn: 7 Habits To Crush Temptation.  Implementing these daily habits into my life gave me the strength, courage, and determination to fight back and finally defeat my 15+ year Porn Addiction, and they can do the same for you!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

I Offer One-On-One Coaching

If at any point you feel like you need a brother to come alongside you and support you, I’ll be there.  I’d be happy to get on a call with you to provide personal guidance to create a plan to fight your addiction and accountability to keep you on track.  I’ve already helped dozens of men overcome their addictions; all who thought they were helpless.  I’ve discovered that every battle with porn shares the same few threads that, once unraveled, release you from the chains of addiction.  I’d love for you to be the next success story!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me at timothy@intothewildernessblog.com or Direct Message me on Twitter if one-on-one coaching could help in your battle to live Porn Free.