It was a long road that lead me to becoming the man I am today.
I’ve been through darkness, despair, and depression.
I’ve faced trials, tests, and troubles.
Yet, I came out on top of it all.
This is the story of how I got unbelievably deep in to a devastating Porn and Sex Addiction and how I finally broke free from it after over 15 years, renewed my faith in God, restored my marriage, and became a better man.
Buckle up kids. This gets messy.
My journey with porn started as a curious teenager. I grew up in a healthy, loving Christian home. In fact, my dad was a pastor and I grew up literally next door to the church. But the only thing I learned about sex was “DONT DO IT. WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE” So, like many hormonal 12 year old boys, I got curious and learned about sex and explored by watching porn.
I was coming at age at the height of the tech bubble and the early stages of internet porn. I never had to steal someone’s Playboy or rent movies from the video store. I was able to go online late at night or when nobody was home. I got immediately hooked.
What was always portrayed to me as an evil sin felt amazing. It felt exhilarating, exciting, and dangerous. I started watching porn and masturbating almost daily. As I got older in high school I got into sexual relationships with girlfriends. I played in bands for years and dove fully into the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. It seemed like everything I did was for the purpose of having sex or watching porn.
My craving for more porn escalated. Regular, “vanilla” porn wasn’t enough anymore, and I started watching dirtier, kinkier, and fetish porn. Eventually porn itself wasn’t enough and I got into webcams and chat rooms. The addiction spiraled out of control.
I got married young. I had kids young. I naively thought that would stop my insatiable appetite for porn and sex. It didn’t. In fact, it got worse.
My addiction continued to escalate. I started meeting up with girls online; Craigslist, Tinder, etc. I had countless hookups and encounters. I engaged with escorts, had sex with prositutes and went to sex clubs. I did party drugs and drank to excess. I had threesomes, went to swinger parties, and took part in orgies.
To this day, I have no idea how many people I’ve actually had sex with. Many I had sex with only after a few minutes of meeting. Most I never even knew their names. I was completely out of control.
My wife caught me a few times. So did a few friends. But like any good liar, I talked my way out of it, promised to quit, then went right back to it. I simply got better at not getting caught. I was good at hiding it. There would be times I was out til 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and would be in church by 9:00 pretending to be a good husband and father.
Hardly anyone knew about this secret life. Those who did had no idea of the extent of it. This continued for years and years. I might quit for a little while, but I would inevitably relapse. This vicious cycle had me ensnared.
My wife and I separated for almost a year. At this point I was almost glad my marriage was over. I could do what I wanted without having to hide it and I didn’t feel the guilt of cheating. My wife was dealing with some health issues and I used that as an excuse for our failing marriage. I blamed her for all the problems to deflect the blame from my addiction.
For a year, I had my two kids by myself. I worked a full time job, a part time job, and went to college full time. You’d think I wouldn’t have time for porn or sex. But porn and sex was my stress reliever. I used it to deal with the overwhelming pressure I was dealing with. Part of me didn’t want my wife to come back. I actually filed for divorce. But I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. My wife and I had a deep conversation and decided we would get back together.
But that didn’t stop my addiction. It continued even after we got back together. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Every time was the “last” time. But it never was. I hated myself for it. There were times I contemplated suicide. I considered intentionally destroying my marriage so I wouldn’t have the guilt of watching porn or cheating on my wife.
I tried to quit; to do the right thing. I read books, went to counseling. attended seminars. All that. They might work for a while, but I always went back. I thought I was hopeless, stuck, too damaged, too broken and unforgivable.
But then, I hit my turning point. I got caught (again). But this time, when my friends found out, they disowned me. These were my closest brothers, my accountability partners, my only true friends. But I’d lied to them as much as my wife and they were done with it.
That hurt. But it woke me up. It was the gut punch I needed. But at the same time I’m ashamed that it wasn’t all the pain I caused my wife that woke me up, and all the damage I’d caused my family. It was losing my buddies that got me to change.
I had to look myself in the mirror, and I hated what I saw. I’d been a liar, a cheat, and an adulterer. I was fat, lazy, and pathetic. I was a terrible husband, a miserable father, and a horrible example of a Christian.
I cried out to God in desperation. I knew I had to change or I was going to lose EVERYTHING; my marriage, my kids, my career, my friends, all of it.
God told me, “Tim, I love you. I forgive you. I’m going to use you. Now, go and sin no more.”
I’d love to say I’ve been 100% perfect since that moment, but I haven’t. I had relapses and setbacks. It was a battle, to be sure. There were good days and bad, ups and downs, victories and failures.
I started working with a dear Pastor friend of mine who encouraged me, supported me, and held me accountable. He didn’t condemn me and tell me what a piece of shit I was. He showed me love, tough love if I needed it, and guided me to freedom.
He checked in on me regularly to make sure I was on track. He helped me develop new and better habits to avoid temptation and recognize triggers. Most importantly, he helped me do the deep work of healing my heart.
I realized I wasn’t desiring sex. I wasn’t just a pervert or hornier than everyone else. I was desiring intimacy, connection, and acceptance. But instead of seeking intimacy with God, my wife, and friends, I sought cheap intimacy through porn and sex.
I realized I was using porn and sex to cover up emotional wounds of rejection, feeling inadequate, loneliness, and having to live up to an unattainable standard. It was discovering these truths about myself that led to healing.
Through hard work and refusing to give up, I found Recovery. Through the grace and forgiveness of Christ, I found Redemption. Through the love of my wife and family, I found Renewal.
I made a full confession to my wife. Through hard work and forgiveness, we stayed together. We even renewed our wedding vows on our 10th anniversary. Our marriage is now stronger than ever. I’m the husband, father, and man I was supposed to be.
I’m now completely sober and stronger than ever. I have years of sobriety under my belt and there’s no turning back. I no longer need porn. My faith in God guides me through my life. My wife satisfies all my needs. My mission is no longer to find pleasure, but to live out God’s purpose for my life.
After finding sobriety, I began sharing my story with other men and showing them how I found freedom. Men everywhere heard my story and reached out for help. I wrote a book, LIVING PORN FREE: 10 Steps To Recovery, Redemption, and Renewal. I started 1-on-1 coaching to help men find freedom.
Now, hundreds of men have broken free from Porn & Sex Addiction using my system. God used my story to help other men find the same freedom I have.
No man is beyond hope. No man is beyond help. No man is too broken
If my story has resonated with you, reach out to me for help. I believe God has given me the mission to help other men overcome the darkness that He brought me through.
You CAN defeat this addiction. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but freedom is there. You just have to fight for it.
But you’ll never win this battle alone. It’s not a one on one fight. It’s a war, and you need brothers beside you. That’s where one-on-one coaching comes in.
I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn. I’ll show you the steps to living porn free. I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom. Don’t try to do it alone like I did for so many years. You see where that got me. Let me help you. Let me show you the path to freedom. Let me help you Live Porn Free.
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from porn addiction once and for all.
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Why try to find your own path through the darkness? I’ve been through it. Let me guide you through.
I’ll provide the accountability you need to finally quit porn. I’ll show you the steps to living porn free. I’ll encourage and support you every day to keep fighting for freedom.